[karenshiver]

My husband and I separated many years ago... he was an active alcoholic and I left him (in the hopes he would stop drinking)... also, I could not cope with his alcoholism... but, I never stopped loving my husband and I had always hoped God would cure his alcoholism and heal my marriage... never happened. My husband died of alcoholism and I never got to say goodbye or to tell him how much I loved him or to let him know I wanted our marriage back.

I have never lived with Brian. Brian has canceled several wedding dates (sometimes only days before the wedding) and will not live with me... each time we plan on marrying and living together, he comes up with some excuse why he cannot marry me or live with me (and usually it is my fault). I live alone because Brian wants me to live alone... his name is on the lease, but the landlady knows how abusive he is and said I can renew my lease in my name only.

My father knows all about the abuse... he has even seen pictures of the marks, bruises, and welts that Brian has left on my body... my father and I are actually very close to one another... he just does not want me living with him and he does not want to support me or take responsibility for me... he has a new wife and new stepdaughter and step-grandchildren living with him and that is his family and he has told me to stay with Brian... I am upset about it all, but that is just the way my father is. My daughter loves me, but, she is attending medical school and does not need her mother living with her, and my son has not offered to help me. My family are all police officers, yet, none of them have offered to help me, not because we are not close, but, because that is just the way they are.

And, yes, until recently, I blamed myself for the abuse... I still do, in a way... but, I am learning. And, yes, the more I defend myself, the worse Brian gets. It is because I am not putting up with Brian's abuse anymore that he is abusing me more. Brian lives 3 miles away from me.

Brian has not contacted me all weekend because I would not allow him to talk about Maria... his loss.

[karenshiver]

A month ago, I got out of his car while he was stopped at a red light because he was hitting me over my head and pulling my hair and screaming at me and hurting me and he actually got mad at me for getting out of the car and said that I was making a public spectacle of our personal problems and he punished me for that... he said if I ever make a public spectacle again, he will seriously hurt me and not give me money for food or rent... I am not even allowed to run away from him when he is hitting me... he wants me to stand still and let him hit me... he also said that I am not allowed to go out without him, that I am not allowed to smoke, that I am not allowed to drink (not even a glass of wine at dinner), and that I am not allowed to spend his money to even go see my family. He also wants me to account for every penny I spend.

[karenshiver]

I am not allowed to buy the phone I want but he bought the most expensive phone in the store and I have to ask his permission at a restaurant if I want dessert and he always complains about how much money my dinner costs (but he never says anything about how much his dinner costs)... he can order a $20.00 steak, but if I order lobster or a steak, he says the dinner was too expensive because of what I ordered, and, he told me, Friday, that he did not want me ordering wine at dinner anymore. He also used my social security (without my permission) on his tax form and will not share the tax refund with me.

[Ashlee T.]

Hi Karen. I highly recommend you go to a site called Courage Network. Definitely stay here too, but this site will give you lots of information regarding domestic violence. There are laws now in some states (very new laws) that protect people in relationships, not just people who are living together. There are 3 types of abuse: emotional/psychological, sexual, and economic/financial. You are a victim of all 3 forms of abuse. The chances that this man will hurt you very badly if you stay in this relationship are VERY high. Here are just a few things:

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner's Belittling Behavior
Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you are the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:

humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you are embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for his own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner's Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner's Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?


Does your partner:

act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?


Whatever you do....realize you are a victim here, but you have not lost control. Even though you are a victim of abuse, do not let yourself fall into "victim mode" where you defeat yourself by telling yourself there's nothing you can do. Yes you can. 1. Get a restraining order or EPO 2. Document everything he does, every time he calls, texts, keep every voicemail. 3. Change your normal patterns. This means if you leave your home at certain times of day, change that routine. If you frequent certain stores and places, change it up. Do not be predictable. 4. Carry mace or pepper spray 5. Put knives and other potential weapons in your home in a safe place that only you know about. There are lots of things you can do, but what is most important is cutting all ties with this person, DO NOT stay in this relationship. This man does NOT love you, it's very clear, you're in total denial if you think any otherwise. Using Courage Network you can find lots of local resources for yourself... get yourself some counseling. Victims of abuse are very often beaten down to the point they don't believe they deserve any better and they become so dependant upon their abuser, that they think they'd rather be dead than to be without their abuser. It's a very vicious cycle....and you CAN put a stop to it. And you must....

Never feel like you have noone. You have us. And if you go to Courage Network, you'll find lots of support from others who will share their stories with you as well, help you find resources to make your way out of this, etc. You always have someone.

[karenshiver]

He would not even give me money to fly to North Carolina to attend my husband's funeral lasy year and to be there for my grieving children.

[Ashlee T.]

And by all means....if your screen name is your real name....please PLEASE delete this account and start a new one and do NOT use your real name. Do not EVER use your real name on the internet especially not when you're in an abusive relationship.

[karenshiver]

He canceled our March 8, 2010 wedding, then claimed that we never had a wedding date and that he never proposed to me and that he never gave me an engagement ring and that we were never engaged and that I was delusional (I have his engagement ring in my house and everyone in his family and my family knows that we have been engaged for 10 years)... then, he left with his best friend on our wedding day to go on vacation to California to party and see his family... and, left me behind, crying. And, he had sex with me the day before he left on vacation with his friend (I know, I know, stupid me for having sex with him), then dumped me the next day and told everyone that he has not had sex with me for 4 years and that he has not seen me in a year (when he had been seeing me 3-4 times a week and we were engaged and having sex)!

[karenshiver]

Thank you for the name of the domestic violence website... I will go there too.

[karenshiver]

I cannot thank all of you enough for helping me... your comments, suggestions, support, and words of wisdom are a Godsend. And, thank all of you for reading my story... I feel less alone today.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

K...Is that your real name, because if it is, I will send you a PM and let you know the changed name, thanks BD, for mentioning that.

Listen to BD..This man is controlling every aspect of your life and abusing you to keep you there...

Please.

CW