[Messymiss]

My Mess

I just love that saying "Just Friends". Like I say, they are just friends untill the very second they become more than that and lets face it, there is nothing more atractive to a man than a female that is giving him a heap of attention and visa versa. Lizzy is right, you should listen to your gut. When my husband had a two year affair 20 years ago I knew even before it started that it would aventuate but I was made to feel like a insecure jealous wife. I calmly asked him several times what was going on and he calmly replied "nothing". I did not want to over dramatise the situation and look stupid. This time when I found him emailing another old female girl friend it was more of an emotional outpooring from me and very dramatic but loving. (Not really a tantrum). He had kept their emailing a secret from me for two years and he said he did not tell me as he did not want to hurt me.?????????????????? (He knew it was wrong). I emailed the woman and just briefly said it was not apropriate because of his past and she was very appologetic and said it was just a catch up with him, but also that he had never mentioned me in the two years they had been in contact and she thought we must have split. HMMMMMMMMMMMM.... Inocent ?????

[lifeisajourney]

I just love that saying "Just Friends". Like I say, they are just friends untill the very second they become more than that and lets face it, there is nothing more atractive to a man than a female that is giving him a heap of attention and visa versa. Lizzy is right, you should listen to your gut. When my husband had a two year affair 20 years ago I knew even before it started that it would aventuate but I was made to feel like a insecure jealous wife. I calmly asked him several times what was going on and he calmly replied "nothing". I did not want to over dramatise the situation and look stupid. This time when I found him emailing another old female girl friend it was more of an emotional outpooring from me and very dramatic but loving. (Not really a tantrum). He had kept their emailing a secret from me for two years and he said he did not tell me as he did not want to hurt me.?????????????????? (He knew it was wrong). I emailed the woman and just briefly said it was not apropriate because of his past and she was very appologetic and said it was just a catch up with him, but also that he had never mentioned me in the two years they had been in contact and she thought we must have split. HMMMMMMMMMMMM.... Inocent ?????

totally agree with you...
if it's done in your back or your spouse takes great measure for you to not know about it.
example... storing phone number under an initial versus a name..
it isnt "just friend"
if it had been hidden from you... it becomes something negative between you and your spouse...
when you have been with your spouse for a while, you know who thier friends are, and the "friends" he is keeping away from you and not sharing about but yet communicate with them in your back are not "just friends"

My husband's first defence into texting this woman for a year was we are just friends.
Friends dont send text they need to hide, friends dont send naked pictures..

Its a fling, an ego boosts, a way to escape reality.
its also one step closer to make this fantasy reality if not nip in the bud.

Time away from your spouse to pay attention to someone else in the spouse's back is cheating.

[pearlmz378]

I think if it's a good friend that he has known for a while and it's not involving interest of a more than just friends, I'm okay with. anything else is just harmful to the trust and the relationship. My ex bf from a long term relationship was texting me and my current bf expressed to me that he didn't like it. Even though, it's nothing more than just catching up on each other I can totally understand his side. If he felt he needed to hide it from you, then he knew already that you wouldn't be okay with it...

[Messymiss]

Its a fling, an ego boosts, a way to escape relity.
its also one step closer to make this fantasy reality if not nip in the bud.

Time away from your spouse to pay attention to someone else in the spouse's back is cheating.

I agree with you here. Men seem to need their ego boosted on a regular basis. I am trying to be the booster now, but even so I think they love to have it boosted from several women. You try to let go of past pain but it is always with you. I am sure my husband adores me but he has never made an effort to make me feel fully secure in the marriage.

Thanks for your thoughts Pearlmz but when you have been through the shocking ordeal I went through twenty years ago with everything that was hidden from me and the lies etc, no matter how much healing you have done and how much time has gone by, the only way trust can survive is if he continues to deserve it. There is no expirey date on when it is ok to hide something again. The thing that did worry me the most was the fact that he had not mentioned me to her and the fact that she was quite happy to tell me so! Any worman with a brain would know that would hurt.

[Joey]

This could just be me, but i dont think its acceptable in the slightest for anyone in a relationship to randomly flirt with another guy/woman just for the fun of it. the only person you should be flirting with his the person you are with. I cant believe how confident he was to actually tell you he was 'flirting for fun'. i would have been livid if my guy turned round to me and said that. Its completly disrespectful.

[purplelicious]

I have to agree, No one should think that flirting is harmless,
Sorry it's so long...........
I have been married 23 years, and Last week I just found out my husband has been texting and talking to this female for the last 6months. I was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery in Nov 2009. I just came back to work 3weeks ago and last week he sends me a text "whats up sexy" I thought that was so sweet so as I was going to reply, I was asked to all or sender, I stopped dead in my tracks and called him on it, I asked "Who else did you text that message too" we of course he starting acting funny, "I don't know, Let me check, I think I deleted the message," I simply said "Never mind I'm just going to call" he said "don't do that" I hung up and called anyways..sure enough it was 2 other females..I called him back and of course we argued over the phone, my heart was so broken, he kept telling me it was just flirting, by text or talk over the phone, I told him he betrayed me and that he was being unfaithful, he says its not cheating and insists it was just for fun. So I asked him, how long has this been going on? he stays quiet, so I went in to our usage detail on our phone bill, I advised him that he led me to do this, and OMG, so many messages and calls from this female, I was devastated. I told him I could see details on the texts and he believed me, LOL..I asked him why this female calls him babe, he says he doesn't know but sz some women just call everyone babe, then I asked him "why does she tell him she wants him?" and he responds "yea she does but if I could see the text, I should see that he responded "ARE YOU CRAZY OR SOMETHING?" I just kinda just said hmm! He has tolerated all my questions not that he has answered every one, but the thing that bugs me the most is that he doesn't want me to make contact with her. On Saturday I acted like I text her, and I told him "I'm just gonna wait n hear it from her, we'll see if she responds" He got so upset, and gave me the silent treatment. oh I had forgotten to mention, when I busted him, he called the 2phone #s really quick and warned them that I was going to call, so I found out they were females through their voicemail msge...thats why I told him I text her..Also I keep saying her, even though it was two females because just one he kept texting n talking every single day!!...please help me with some advise, I love this man, and I want to believe him --What should I do?
Should I text this female for real?

[lifeisajourney]

I was married this long too when I caught him.
So I sympathize.
I also was very confused between what he told me happened and the facts.
Thruth is you have to believe the facts.
He texted another woman in your back or perhaps more than one, you know for how long and you know the tone of the conversation.
Those are the facts and you need to figure out why he needed attention from other woman or order to have any chances of fixing him going to others in the future.

I always wanted to contact the other woman too but what always stopped me was the fact that she didn't owe me loyalty. He did, it was up to him not to betray me.
Part of me always wanted to know what was on those texts too but knowing that he did text another woman in my back was hurtful enough I really didn't need to torture me with the specifics.

[purplelicious]

WOW that sounds logical, at a time when I can't make logic out of anything. Unfortunetly I already called her, of course no response to call or text but for some reason I feel I diserve that much from her, she is married with children and she knew he is married. I just don't want to be the only one who hurts...

[lifeisajourney]

I have a suggestion for you....
In my case her husband tried and contacted my husband. When my husband refuse to get contacted from him, the husband got in contact with me.
Oh that hurts, but I thought that was nice that he contacted me to let me know something was going on....
You might want to contact her husband instead of her.
We communicated a lot after that call, help each other through some
rough time and it's amaZing what the outcome
was.... They both started blaming the others. Saying he was after me! Or she was after me!
Oh trust me getting in touch with the other spouse is the best thing to hold her accountable if
not towards what she did to you at least towards her husband and children.

[purplelicious]

Thanks for the great advise, I will defenitly look him up...hopefuly I can find him. That is a great Idea...Thanks a BUNCH