[Little]

A man that really wants to be with you will take you as you are, if he can. I was so often waiting by the telephone, wanting to spend more time with the men I was dating, wanting more of their love and attention. Wanting what they were not equipped to give and told by well-meaning friends that I was needy or high-maintenance or that men just didn't work that way, that if I called as often as I wanted I would scare them off. Hogwash. They were just not the men for me. We just wanted different things.

Granted, I don't know how many men like my husband there are out there. I only ever found one ... but really, one was all I needed. I am reminded of the plot of that movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. (I never watched it, so this is pure extrapolation.) The guy who wants to be with you doesn't care how badly you want him to commit because he's too busy WANTING to commit.

[DreamP346]

A man that really wants to be with you will take you as you are, if he can. I was so often waiting by the telephone, wanting to spend more time with the men I was dating, wanting more of their love and attention. Wanting what they were not equipped to give and told by well-meaning friends that I was needy or high-maintenance or that men just didn't work that way, that if I called as often as I wanted I would scare them off. Hogwash. They were just not the men for me. We just wanted different things.

Granted, I don't know how many men like my husband there are out there. I only ever found one ... but really, one was all I needed. I am reminded of the plot of that movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. (I never watched it, so this is pure extrapolation.) The guy who wants to be with you doesn't care how badly you want him to commit because he's too busy WANTING to commit.

See, I disagree with this notice. Each person is different and will react differently. I also don't believe in love at first sight (its more like lust at first sight). I need the time to be in the right frame of mind, know that the person is a good person, not likely to pressure me to commit, feel comfortable with them to open up, etc. If I met my husband and he wanting commitment and saying he was looking for a long term relationship and wanting to settle, I would have run the other way. Because that pressure was off, i felt comfortable opening up and letting love happen. I think he felt the say way so it was easy for us to slowly fall in love and become committed to each other.

The idea that the right person will want that committment is romantic and if that person has your same personality, then it works. But then you are elliminating a large pool of potential partners because what most people would label as "needy" will scare them off. Its like that movie "She's Just Not That Into You." There is a character that keeps throwing herself at guys but she has this way of coming on as too needy and turning men off. Of course, its a movie, so at the end, she ends up with somebody. But then you watch her misadventures, it is a very uncomfortable feeling as I have seen many people (men and women) behave like that and constantly get their heart broken.

[Magnetism]

I agree that throwing yourself at someone is needy, but why the heck don't indian parents get this? Don't they realize that encouraging their children to be obsessed with getting married is going to ruin their love lives? Dont they understand that many sexual predators on matrimonial sites love to prey on the single woman in her late 20's and 30's? I had an Indian woman on an Indian forum tell me to quit blaming my parents and get married before its too late. What Indian parents also don't realize is that today's Indian man, even those in india, also want to take their time. A man in mumbai told me that nobody does arranged marriages anymore in the big cities anymore. Come to think of it, some Indian parents act very needy themselves. So, maybe they don't get that neediness turns off a lot of people on the west.

[Little]

Sp has a point - I should disclose that hubs and I went through an extended friends, and then FWB stage. On top of commitment phobia, I had to make sure he wasn't one of those men who secretly hate sex (yes, dear menfolk, they're out there, and they're good at pretending for a few months.) I didn't just meet him, start foaming at the mouth about marriage, and swish zing boom commit and be done. But I also didn't get attached until I knew that we wanted the same things, a LOT of the same things. Enough of the same things at the same time to constitute a real connection above and beyond romantic love and the spark of sex. Because it doesn't seem to matter how big and bold those two things are, they can always be helped along, but base wants and desires and expectations can't always be changed.

I base a great deal of my partner-finding philosophy on a book called Actually, It Is Your Parents' Fault. Obviously I picked it up because of the title, but it talks much less about blaming the people who shaped you and much more about taking your dynamic with them at face value, recognizing how you reacted to your relationship with them (which may be different from how another person reacted to the exact same situation,) and realizing how that affects what you NEED out of a relationship and how it affects who you're attracted to AND who you're attracting. The dynamic that my parents set up - detached working father and ever-present panicked mother with the emotional stability of a wildfire - caused me to seek out emotional stability. Any emotional stability. Including emotional unavailability, which didn't finish the equation for me. I still needed something more, presence. I was not checking off enough of my boxes before settling down and attaching. In the months between my last serious relationship and meeting my husband, I prematurely ended a lot of budding relationships with perfectly fine men who didn't check off enough boxes. They were not geographically present, they were not at the same stage in their lives as I was, they weren't physically present enough despite geographic location, they weren't sexually active enough, their politics weren't at the right end of the spectrum. I expect that I could have committed my life with a few of them and been pretty happy, at least for a little while. But it's not about the many that I turned down or overlooked. When you're talking marriage, it's about the ONE you're ending up with.

[DreamP346]

I agree that throwing yourself at someone is needy, but why the heck don't indian parents get this? Don't they realize that encouraging their children to be obsessed with getting married is going to ruin their love lives? Dont they understand that many sexual predators on matrimonial sites love to prey on the single woman in her late 20's and 30's? I had an Indian woman on an Indian forum tell me to quit blaming my parents and get married before its too late. What Indian parents also don't realize is that today's Indian man, even those in india, also want to take their time. A man in mumbai told me that nobody does arranged marriages anymore in the big cities anymore. Come to think of it, some Indian parents act very needy themselves. So, maybe they don't get that neediness turns off a lot of people on the west.

I am sorry to hear about all your negative experiences. Like I mentioned to you before, my approach was to either date non-Asians or Asian men with western views. Trying to live in two different cultures can be very difficult. Its easier to just pick one. Be the independent woman that follows her own desires and not be defined by traditional boundaries of heteronormative and religious ideals of marriage and procreation and most likely hurts her family and alienates them.

Or commit to a marriage that will not be based on love, but other elements of compatibility. You may be perfectly happy and please your parents. But your mother will still go through some sleepless nights (its just how parents are). You will also compromise on your privacy and other issues.

The decision is to make a choice. What type of life you want to live. There is nothing wrong with either option, but there are consequences involved with both. Trying to live in both worlds will drive you nuts.

Just know this, you may hurt your parents with your decision in the short run, but they will get over it and if they truly love you, will eventually be happy for you. That doesn't mean they will stop complaining, giving you unwanted advise or driving you nuts. That's every parent. Doesn't have to be Asian to make you want to jump out the window.

My father was not happy when I introduced him to my American boyfriend. He still makes comments that hurt, but he has come to like my husband a lot and considers him the best son-in-law compared to all my other cousins and sister. Keep that in mind.

[Magnetism]

I am sorry to hear about all your negative experiences. Like I mentioned to you before, my approach was to either date non-Asians or Asian men with western views. Trying to live in two different cultures can be very difficult. Its easier to just pick one. Be the independent woman that follows her own desires and not be defined by traditional boundaries of heteronormative and religious ideals of marriage and procreation and most likely hurts her family and alienates them.

Or commit to a marriage that will not be based on love, but other elements of compatibility. You may be perfectly happy and please your parents. But your mother will still go through some sleepless nights (its just how parents are). You will also compromise on your privacy and other issues.

The decision is to make a choice. What type of life you want to live. There is nothing wrong with either option, but there are consequences involved with both. Trying to live in both worlds will drive you nuts.

Just know this, you may hurt your parents with your decision in the short run, but they will get over it and if they truly love you, will eventually be happy for you. That doesn't mean they will stop complaining, giving you unwanted advise or driving you nuts. That's every parent. Doesn't have to be Asian to make you want to jump out the window.

My father was not happy when I introduced him to my American boyfriend. He still makes comments that hurt, but he has come to like my husband a lot and considers him the best son-in-law compared to all my other cousins and sister. Keep that in mind.

Thanks, Sp. I would rather just do my own thing, but I don't know how to stop giving in or feeling guilted by the pressure. The main reason why I told my mom that I am dating women was to hope that she would sto stop with the marriage thing, but it didn't work.

My mom lately has been more understanding that a woman can't propose to a man or expect him to marry her within the first 4 dates. She does feel that me being alone with Indian men on dates is what's causing them to try to push for casual sex. She feels that the parents must be involved to protect the Indian daughter from sexual predator types. If an Indian man is going to think you're an easy lay just because you go on a date alone with him, I find that very concerning. I've found it extremely challenging to find an Indian man with western views. They may say they're westernized, but then I come to find out that they think Indian women should be sexually modest, shouldn't drink, etc.

How old were you when you got married, if you don't mind me asking?

[DreamP346]

How old were you when you got married, if you don't mind me asking?

29, but to me that was early. I only got married because my husband is a lot older and his father was very sickly and it wouldn't have been fair to wait when we both knew that is what we wanted long term. Ideally, I would have liked to wait 2-3 more years. Luckily for me, marriage is the one area my father didn't pressure me about. The funny thing is I never saw myself as the marrying type. I never even thought I'd be in a forever situation. Life is unexpected that way.

[Stillness]

I don't know how to stop giving in or feeling guilted by the pressure.

If you don't figure it out, plan to be in guilt for the rest of their lives. If and when you get married it'll be "when are you buying a house." After you get a house it'll be "when are you having children." Then it'll be something else.

Some of my in-laws are Panamanian. They had this thing where my wife and I were selfish because we don't have children. One day we were at dinner and they were laying it on thick, so I told them, "If we have a baby for you and my parents when the baby is crying at night for food, or because his diaper is wet, or when it's time to set up an education fund, or during childbirth will you and my parents be the ones responsible or will it be your granddaughter and I? If we're ultimately responsible and we're going to be the ones most directly impacted then nobody else has any say."

And that was it. There was an awkward silence. She made some off the wall comment about me brainwashing my wife or something, but the conversation was over. I've never heard another peep out of anyone. I love them and we still hang out and visit, but I let them know that their opinion doesn't count in regards to our private decisions. It was hard because they're not my family by blood and they and I both culturally have a strong sense of respect for one's elders, especially parents. I was nervous, but I'm not going to be bullied and I'm not going to have people sticking their nose in my affairs.

I do understand that other cultures are different in the way they view family and parental involvement. I respect that. But if it's causing you distress I think you have the right to speak your mind and put your foot down - especially with the family history you've shared on other threads.

[Lady Syrinx]

Well, In my case discussion of marriage was almost a pre requisite. We were 17 when we met and dated for 8 years before we got engaged. Actually, hubby was the first to use the L-word as well as the first to mention marriage about 6 months into our relationship. We just celebrated our 9 year anniversary (20 years together in March).

[Magnetism]

Now, I just feel more discouraged after a good male friend told me "You won't be able to sustain a relationship without having intercourse. Blowjobs get old after awhile."

Do I explain to my mom that I just don't care about the basic heterosexual sex? I don't see what's so amazing about sticking a penis in a vagina. If that's what most men want, I can't give that to them. I don't know how I'm supposed to become like a normal woman that sees penis in vagina sex as the holy grail. With women, sex at least involves all of the sexual acts I enjoy (oral, kissing, rimming, touching, caressing). I feel that women will not pressure you to receive penetration. Hell, I would rather penetrate a woman with a strap on before letting someone else penetrate me.

I'm just angry and upset at how my mom doesn't understand. I'm thinking of just entering a loveless marriage with a man where we can sleep with other people. We can both get married to shut our parents up, but we then have the freedom to pursue other love interests.