[atskitty2]

I agree with Jen, and was about to post something to that effect. I think you'll know what to do once clear communication is made. Clear and complete disclosure.

[Patti-here]

Chaya, I honestly agree with Jen on this also, perhaps the the three of you all need to sit down together and discuss this and come to some sort of conclusion.

[chaya]

We had a BBQ in the backyard today. My aunt, uncle and 2 cousins came over. Kiyomi did most of the cooking and cleanup. She didn't want me to do anything. My aunt asked me how much I paid her to be a nanny and maid. I didn't try to correct her because I didn't know how to explain the real situation.

Everyone here on WH says I need to have a sit down talk with hubby and Kiyomi to clarify our arrangement. I really don't know how to do that, what will we discuss? Will it be how they are going to share me, who gets me on which night or what. What I'm saying is that I don't know how to start it or what to say. I'm afraid I would just make things worse. Maybe it would be better to just give it some time and let things work themselves out. I do intend to explain to hubby how I feel about Kiyomi.

Hubby went to bed, early work in the morning. I'm faced with a choice, go to bed with hubby and listen to him snore or go to bed with Kiyomi. I'll probably just sit up most of the night and play with the computer.

[Patti-here]

I really don't know how to answer this Hon, I'm far from an expert on matters like this, but if your husband is already sawing logs and dead to the world sleeping, then go cuddle up with Kiyomi, you do need to get some sleep.

[jen1447]

Companionship too. And she probably needs it as much as you do.

I can give you a few ideas on how to broach the subject tomorrow if you're still uncertain hon. Try to have a restful night.

[Baboy]

I read your above post as soon as it went up. I am feeling for you. Sounds kind of melancholy to have to spend the night on the computer because you feel you are in an awkward situation and the best you can do is to seek to avoid it by sitting at your computer.

I almost signed off for the night and almost refrained from posting a response. I was tempted to pretend I did not see your post. Why? Because I can feel your sadness and I have no magic bullet. So why come on and comment? I wish so much that I could pen a paragraph here that you would read and say "aha, that's it; that's exactly what I'll do because it will make everything perfect". I regret I have no such thing to offer, but I could not feel good about signing off and ignoring your post. If nothing else, I can offer perhaps a bit of comfort that you have a lot of support here. But you know that already.

A good measure of my feeling of impotence in the matter is that I really know none of the players. That goes for you too. I know "chaya" of the WH forum, in a limited sense, drawn from reading perhaps a couple of hundred or so of more than 1,100 posts you have contributed here. I get an abiding sense of a sweet, caring, loving person, who has endured some difficulties, showed some guts and some class, and who appears to have garnered wide-based admiration from a group here, but most (if not all) of whom are hampered by never having met you in person. You come across as the kind of person many of us would wish to know better.

Moreover, I think no one here has had any forum dialogue, never mind face-to-face dialogue, with your husband or Kiyomi. So apart from what you have related here, we know almost nothing of the other dramatis personae. That hobbles us rather much in being able to read the dynamics of the situation and offer sage advice.

Some have spoken here, wisely indeed, but whether that wisdom is wholly congruent with the situation at hand is difficult - nay impossible - to divine. That is not to suggest that it should be cast aside as worthless. Given your key position in the matter at hand, it is you who must sift through all that has been offered and determine what best suits. No doubt some of what has been suggested will serve to ameliorate the situation. What is likely to prove workable will depend much on the personalities, idiosyncrasies, needs and wants of the other two. You have considerable knowledge of those matters. We do not. It would be hubris for anyone here to tell you that they know best how certain tactics, words, utterances, will be received. In large measure, we are working in a vacuum; a landscape bereft of guideposts. You can see and feel a texture which eludes our senses, so you must be the final arbiter of how to proceed.

Early on in this thread I suggested you needed time to reflect, to assess where you are, where you truly want to be, what will make you happy. I think you deserve happiness. It's the job of no one else to make you happy. Equally, it does not fall on your shoulders to live your life to assure someone else's happiness while sacrificing your own. You said in your recent post that it might be best to just give it some time to work through. That was the essence of my initial advice. You are plainly uncomfortable with trying to force any particular result right now and so, to the extent that you are able, try to relax and allow nature to take its course. That sounds trite, I know, but it just might be the best that can be managed for now.

I apologize for not being able to offer more. I am sure others will come along and make some worthy suggestions. They can be only that. You have to tailor any advice to the situation and the practical reality that there are two others involved who have not had their voices heard here.

The best reassurance I can muster is this: As I see it, the crisis has passed. As you so appropriately put it, your husband was coming home and it was time to "face the music". You faced it. The world did not come to an end. Indeed, from the relatively little I know, the music you had to face turned out to be rather lilting. Your husband did not recoil in abject horror, au contraire, he was accepting. Where it once appeared that Kiyomi was going to disappear back to Japan, now she is amenable to remaining. The worst lies astern. There is no urgent need to chart any particular course ahead.

You are the common denominator in all of this. To the extent the weight of advice here is to sit down and talk with the other two, my tentative view is to drift for a bit. Certainly before any kind of a formal sit-down discussion, I would take some time to get a reading on the others. What, if any, are the issues preying on their minds? My guess is that there is nothing grave lurking in the weeds. From some not-too-pointed discussions with each separately, you may come to see that the issues are few and not irreconcilable. What has been building up in your mind as a seemingly insurmountable difficulty might just turn out to be a paper tiger.

I said above that I have read but a couple hundred or so of your posts, and none written by your husband or Kiyomi. Some here have probably read all of your posts and have a better perspective than I from which to offer advice. So far as I am aware, no one here has had the benefit of discourse with your husband or Kiyomi, but that might be wrong. If any here have, then they have a more solid footing from which to provide advice.

Chaya, you'll be fine, come what may. I stand by what I said. You faced the worst and all was not lost, not by any standard. Allow yourself to enter the next chapter of your life free of the shackles of the last chapter.

It's midnight here on the west coast. I am off to bed to do some serious snoring.

I just tried to post and the site had logged me off, for taking too long drafting the above. By the time I copied this into a word file, signed back in and pasted it, sneaky little patti and jen snuck in posts ahead of me. There's merit to the economy of language demonstrated by those two.

Considering how sleepy I am getting, I don't like the thought of you sitting at your computer all night in self-imposed exile. They are probably right that you should go pile in with Kiyomi.

[effy2014]

Everyone here on WH says I need to have a sit down talk with hubby and Kiyomi to clarify our arrangement. I really don't know how to do that, what will we discuss? Will it be how they are going to share me, who gets me on which night or what. What I'm saying is that I don't know how to start it or what to say. I'm afraid I would just make things worse. Maybe it would be better to just give it some time and let things work themselves out. I do intend to explain to hubby how I feel about Kiyomi.

Without sounding like I am against full disclosure and somehow dishonest, my perspective is different. You have disclosed the relationship. Rather than sit down with everyone and schedule your time like a Ping Pong Ball, talk to each of them separately, including yourself. What does Kiyomi need and want out of the relationship? What is best for her to "share" you? Does she get jealous when you are with your husband?

When you talk to your husband about the depth of your feelings for Kiyomi, he most certainly will tell you or give you clear signals what he can accommodate. If not, ask. With this information, you can decide if you can be shared or must commit to one or the other.

I suspect that all three of you in one conversation will be far beyond Kiyomi's comfort level and it may be difficult for you to be honest not wanting to hurt one or the other.

[jen1447]

So how did the night go chay?

[chaya]

So how did the night go chay?

Hubby is gone to work, Kiyomi and Misako are still sleeping and I have a stiff neck from sleeping in my computer chair all night.

[jen1447]

Okay, are you up for some Q and A? Kind of like a chaya interview to hopefully help you process and prioritize.