[chaya]

It could be that he doesn't not consider sex with a woman to be cheating. I think many men would not consider it "sex" in the traditional sense and he probably does not think that he is competing Kiyomi for your affections, true or not.

My suspicion is that he will be very accepting so long as you continue to have frequent sex and orgasms with him. This is a more misogynistic view -- you have become the lesbian sex scene in his personal porn. You are now a more sexual being. What this does to your overall relationship is anyone's guess.

I don't think he believes Kiyomi is competing for my affections. It won't matter much now that Kiyomi has decided to drop the summer school session and go back to Japan. She had planned to attend the summer session and sign up for the fall session but now I don't think she will come back at all. I've messed up her life as well as mine and possibly my husbands. I do love Kiyoma as much as I love my husband and losing her will hurt as much as if I had lost him.

I will continue to have sex with him whenever he wants it; but I have no control over whether I have orgasms or not.

[jen1447]

It brings up an interesting question about polyamory (I've been considering this myself with a special GF). Are you the sort who could have two romantic relationships at once, chaya? What about Kiyomi, and how would your hubs feel about it going to that level and not just sex?

I'll be really blunt here - from what you've said recently, it sounds like you're in love with Kiyomi. It doesn't sound like you are with your hubs, altho you feel you have a duty to him. If you have to pick one, gotta go with your heart hon.

I'm glad it worked out peacefully, at least in the short term. I'm also proud of you (don't mean to be patronizing, sorry) ....you had the integrity to not let the secrets go on, and the courage to bravely face down the reality of what you had to do. Much love.

[edit - posted prior to reading chaya's above.]

[Stillness]

I believe that one of the things that sets us apart from the other creatures we share this world with is our supreme mental control. As a woman in tune with your spiritual side, I know that you have to recognize this to some extent. We can control our feelings. We're not subject to the whims of instinct, reflex, and emotion. We can channel those things and bend them to our will.

With time and effort, you can heal. If you could get your husband on board, you all could grow together. Sex could be more orgasmic for you too. He has to be willing, though.

My question is why did you orgasm with him this time and not others? Did he do something different or were you different? If you're different, then you do control it.

[rcoreyus]

I think polyamory can work, but that in reality it often doesn't for people who think it will. I know a couple who is poly, but I have lots of evidence that the wife has become very unhappy with the situation but doesn't feel like she can tell her husband to stop since she agreed originally. I know another couple who's marriage fell apart as a result of (mutually agreed-upon) polyamory.

This is not a moral judgement, and I do believe that there are some people for whom it will work, but I think that most people have a very difficult time maintaining a romantic relationship with more than one other person. It is too easy for it to turn in to a competition. Too easy to compare. To easy to run to the arms of one person when you have difficulty with the other. Difficult to avoid situations where you have to choose between two people you love.

For most people the "priority" when you need to choose is clear: Children, spouse, family. People rarely object to that order. Sure there are always compromises, but sometimes something comes up where there is no compromise.

[Baboy]

Chaya,

Sounds like a bittersweet, mixed result. A positive response from your husband, but now you face the loss of your relationship with Kiyomi.

Yesterday, when you were about to broach things with your husband, I said I had not much to offer in the way of input or advice and, in any event, I refrained from expressing any, because I took it you were not looking for such. Today, I find myself somewhat in the same position. Not much to say, but happy to hear that you did not end up with a complete disaster on your hands.

Like Corey, and perhaps one or two others, I too am one who would be much less offended to learn that my wife was involved with another woman as opposed to a man. I could live with the former, not the latter.

I think you now need time to gather your thoughts and, perhaps, do as Jen suggests and decide what you really want. A relationship with your husband? With Kiyomi (if still possible)? With both? With another woman someday if Kiyomi is gone? With your husband and another woman?

I also agree that polyamorous relationships can work. I rarely mention it, but I lived in one for some length of time, some years ago. Me and two women, all in the same house. Often all in the same bed. It was in another country in another time. It worked OK there. Here, not sure what the neighbors might say.

[effy2014]

I don't think he believes Kiyomi is competing for my affections. It won't matter much now that Kiyomi has decided to drop the summer school session and go back to Japan. She had planned to attend the summer session and sign up for the fall session but now I don't think she will come back at all. I've messed up her life as well as mine and possibly my husbands. I do love Kiyoma as much as I love my husband and losing her will hurt as much as if I had lost him.

You have not messed up Kiyomi's life -- you have enriched it. Her short term plans may have changed, but it is clear that she loved you as well. Love is a powerful emotion and to have experienced it, even for a short time, is well worth the short term costs. You have learned a lot about yourself as well. My guess is that the orgasms flowed out of the emotional floodgate, the relief you felt from unburdening your conscience and the compassion from your husband.

As Jen wrote, happiness comes from following your heart. This will be a tough several weeks.

[Euphoric]

My question is why did you orgasm with him this time and not others? Did he do something different or were you different?

I'm not sure how Chaya feels, but from an outsider's perspective hubby came home and found her upset. It sounds like he immediately showed true, heartfelt concern. He held and consoled her, which is out of character from what I've read. Then, even after learning of her activities, he showed concern, forgiveness, and acceptance. That goes a long way psychologically, which I'm sure aided Chaya being able to orgasm with him. For a while now, it seems like there has been a psychological disconnect between them. She considered having relations with her husband as a "duty", rather than making love. Kiyomi sparked that magic back to life and when hubby showed affection, it probably carried over in the bedroom.

I'll be the first to admit sometimes I just want raw, passionate sex, while other times I prefer making love. For me, they're two different um…classifications?? Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but it works well for the hubby and me

[Patti-here]

I believe that one of the things that sets us apart from the other creatures we share this world with is our supreme mental control. As a woman in tune with your spiritual side, I know that you have to recognize this to some extent. We can control our feelings. We're not subject to the whims of instinct, reflex, and emotion. We can channel those things and bend them to our will.

With time and effort, you can heal. If you could get your husband on board, you all could grow together. Sex could be more orgasmic for you too. He has to be willing, though.

My question is why did you orgasm with him this time and not others? Did he do something different or were you different? If you're different, then you do control it.

I agree with everything you said except for us being able to control our feelings Still, sometimes that's imposable, the heart is color and gender blind.

[Stillness]

I agree with everything you said except for us being able to control our feelings Still, sometimes that's imposable, the heart is color and gender blind.

I agree to an extent. We can't reprogram our minds like machines. We can shape them somewhat. We don't have to be slaves to every single impulse and thought we experience. We can reason and plan. That was what I meant.

For example, a person that has to make a choice between multiple paths doesn't necessarily want the easy or more immediately pleasurable one. They can weigh the consequences and potential long-term outcomes. Then they can train themselves to base their feelings off of those things. "This heroin feels good now, but what will happen if I keep using it?"

[Euphoric]

We don't have to be slaves to every single impulse and thought we experience.

This is true, otherwise, I'd probably be in jail. Ignorant drivers get on my nerves so bad, that I've said, "It's a good thing I don't have a brush guard on this vehicle". And, I've considered hitting the brakes when someone is riding my bumper and I'm already going over the speed limit. I get where you're coming from