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He doesn't want to put a ring on it. Here's why though...

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  • He doesn't want to put a ring on it. Here's why though...

    We've been together for almost three years now. We have a son together. Ever since we started dating we brought up the question of marriage. We both agreed we don't want to get married by church or law, for our own reasons. And we are fine with that. But, the thing is, I still want to be able to wear a ring and have him wear one too, but he doesn't want to. What's so hard about wearing a ring? It's a symbol of love, loyalty and union among both. I understand the fact he is a mechanic and it would interfere with his work/it can be "dangerous", but what about the rest of the time?! I just think he doesn't want to show off that he is "taken"... What do you guys think?

  • I think a wedding ring signifies just that - marriage. It's not been a traditional sign of "taken", it's been a traditional sign of love, commitment, and marriage.

    If you are so unconventional with your relationship status, then why do you want to be so conventional as far as having a ring goes?

    If you just went out and bought the rings, would you have a type of ceremony dedicating yourselves to each other? If so, why not marriage?

    Why do you need to show that he is "taken"?
    That which we forget may as well never really happened.

    Comment


    • I think you should ask him why he doesn't want to wear one.

      I've been married for 14 years and I don't wear mine most of the time lately because I've been losing weight and my ring has been sliding off. I haven't gotten it resized partly because I'm still in flux and partly because I don't need a ring to signify my dedication. We don't fully buy into Western marriage traditions ourselves. I didn't get her a ring until well into our marriage. Initially, she didn't get me one either.
      "Those sowing seed with tears
      Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

      Comment


      • I agree with Claret's point, and that was my first thought. I do think however, that if you want some sort of symbol of the commitment you have, that that's fine too. Why does it have to be a ring?

        I didn't allow my ex-husband to buy me a ring. I didn't want one, for various reasons.
        There are many ways to symbolize something. If he doesn't want to wear a ring, choose another symbolic item to share.

        Comment


        • I can give you a ton of reasons why he doesn't want to wear a ring. I also am one of those folks who didn't want to wear a ring: everything from the fact I feel uncomfortable in rings to the fact it was a social norm tied to a ceremony often linked with religion. But the fact it was a small act that would make my partner happy was enough for me to do it.

          Have you asked him why?
          Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

          Comment


          • Originally posted by vehementa View Post
            We've been together for almost three years now. We have a son together. Ever since we started dating we brought up the question of marriage. We both agreed we don't want to get married by church or law, for our own reasons. And we are fine with that. But, the thing is, I still want to be able to wear a ring and have him wear one too, but he doesn't want to. What's so hard about wearing a ring? It's a symbol of love, loyalty and union among both. I understand the fact he is a mechanic and it would interfere with his work/it can be "dangerous", but what about the rest of the time?! I just think he doesn't want to show off that he is "taken"... What do you guys think?
            I think you are insisting on your preferences of what you want for him. I think that is wrong and you do not have the right to do so.

            If he insisted that you do something every that you clearly did not want to do and that you stated you did not want to do, and you stated on here that he was pressuring you about it, you would get my sympathy and I would be telling you to tell him in no uncertain terms to back off and have respect for your opinion.

            I can not do that now because you are in those same hypothetical shoes.

            Comment


            • So you might think that a ring is a symbol of love, loyalty and union among both.. but what if he doesn't feel the same? Besides, to force someone to wear a ring when they don't want to as a symbol of your love for one another is kind of ironic... it defeats the purpose of the ring in the first place.

              Can't you compromise and find something you're BOTH happy with to symbolize your love and devotion to each other?

              Comment


              • I like the suggestions of both Kitty and KMonte -- find a symbol meaningful to the two of you that signifies commitment to your relationship.

                You seem torn between not wanting the traditional legal/religious trappings of a formal marriage but want the public to believe that you are married. No doubt it is "marking" your territory. I completely understand the need (I enjoy tradition, trappings and rings) but her clearly does not. He should understand -- if you communicate to him about it -- that some kind of public acknowledgment of the relationship is meaningful to you. I am sure that he will oblige it in some form.
                "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                Comment


                • Though too many marriages fail, marriage is a public pronouncement of one's intent to commit.

                  Refusal to marry is an intentional public pronouncement that one is NOT committed.

                  His refusal to wear the ring is another confirmation of what you already know--he's not committed.

                  And pushing him to wear it is your frightened backdoor attempt to have him, in some token way, demonstrate his commitment to you.

                  Comment


                  • I think there are people to which an official ceremony is not required and would not make any significant change in their relationship. To them it would just be a piece of paper, or words said in the presence of others, that perhaps they've already said to themselves. However, the ring is a symbol of marriage and if you don't need what the symbol of marriage is in your life then you don't need the ring.
                    That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                    Comment


                    • You don't need a ring to show off your love for each other it's only a symbol. My husband wears his ring ALL time he feels proud wearing his ring he wants to show the world he's taken. I wear a ring also but it was a mutual agrement between us that we would wear rings at the end of the day a piece of metal on your finger doesn't prove anything what matters is whether the two of you love each other and are willing to commit to a relationship or marriage.

                      although a ring is meant to tell people you're taken in my experience no one has taken this message. I still have guys hitting on me and my hubs still has women hitting on him. Do people get knocks off trying to hit on married people.
                      It's all fun and games until you mess with a Portuguese girl.

                      -

                      Comment


                      • After re-reading your other thread, it is hard to not feel your anxiety about this relationship.

                        Your age difference, your non-marital status, his refusal to wear a ring, his poor treatment when his age peers are around, and his disrespect would understandably make you feel vulnerable.

                        I think the ring issue is a symptom of the more basic insecurity about the relationship.

                        Have you DIRECTLY discussed his commitment to the relationship. Does he talk about a long-term future with you? In light of you two now being parents, would he reconsider the idea of marriage? Does he talk about more kids?

                        Do you know his thoughts and dreams about your future together?

                        Comment


                        • I want to wear something that symbolizes our love and commitment, and the ring seems right to me. I don't think we have to be married to wear them. We live together, love each other and are trying hard to fix our problems. Perhaps it;s just a ring and at the end of the day we take it off. But the fact that he is so against wearing it is what bothers me...
                          Originally posted by Claret View Post
                          I think a wedding ring signifies just that - marriage. It's not been a traditional sign of "taken", it's been a traditional sign of love, commitment, and marriage.

                          If you are so unconventional with your relationship status, then why do you want to be so conventional as far as having a ring goes?

                          If you just went out and bought the rings, would you have a type of ceremony dedicating yourselves to each other? If so, why not marriage?

                          Why do you need to show that he is "taken"?

                          Comment


                          • It doesn't have to be a ring. I want it to be a ring. But if he doesn't want nothing at all or gives me attitude over the whole topic then that's when we start arguing again. I'm going to ask him if there's anything else he rather have instead...
                            Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                            I agree with Claret's point, and that was my first thought. I do think however, that if you want some sort of symbol of the commitment you have, that that's fine too. Why does it have to be a ring?

                            I didn't allow my ex-husband to buy me a ring. I didn't want one, for various reasons.
                            There are many ways to symbolize something. If he doesn't want to wear a ring, choose another symbolic item to share.

                            Comment


                            • Yes, he said because of his job (he's a mechanic). I don't want to force him, but it would be nice if he decided too...
                              Originally posted by DreamP346 View Post
                              I can give you a ton of reasons why he doesn't want to wear a ring. I also am one of those folks who didn't want to wear a ring: everything from the fact I feel uncomfortable in rings to the fact it was a social norm tied to a ceremony often linked with religion. But the fact it was a small act that would make my partner happy was enough for me to do it.

                              Have you asked him why?

                              Comment

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