[jacun]

break down

I had a complete break down yesterday. I couldn't get out of bed and just talked to my friends and fam. on the phone. I don't know what triggered it but the panic attacks came back so I took a shower so the girls wouldn't hear me. I just hate what is going on so much. My body is not handeling it. So as soon as I get out the phone rings and its him. He asked what was wrong and I told him. He seemed irritated but by the time he came to visit us he held me and talked to me. I don't bring up the past anymore so I just concentrated on the present and told him what exactly was hurting so much. I miss him, it's like my best friend is gone my husband is gone and my lover is gone (or at least he leaves nightly). I told him how hard it is because everything reminds me of him. And a lot of people just tell me to move on. And its difficult. How do you move on from 14 yrs in a few weeks. Anyway he tells me not to worry that everything will work out and he just needs some space for a while. He finally admitted that he was hurting a lot to and thats why he has been doing some of the things that he is. He keeps saying that he was just suffacating here and doesn't want to go back to that. All throughout his visit he kept saying don't worry. Trust me. And I do.
He even started to talk about the baby. I think this is the first time I have heard him say anything about her personally. He said it will be nice to have a baby around again. If I didn't know he had come straight from work I would have wondered how much he had been smoking.
I feel so retarded but I do. In the morning he calls and tells me over again that he loves me. I am still trying to stay out of his way and not overwhelm him with my presence. I want to talk to him all day but the truth is we have nothing to say now. There is just this pain between us and it's the last thing that either one of us wants to talk about.
So today was an ok day. When he called to say goodnight he sounded awful he was very cranky and ****ed off but he didnt take it out on me. He just told me that the same old "stuff" was going on at his mom's house and that it is always so loud. He said that he was feeling sick again. Almost everyday he has some physical problem going on with him. I think all of the emotions that he is retaining are coming out a different way.
Part of me feels like I am chasing crumbs and holding onto hope when he talks like that. The other part of me knows that he is seeing how his unhappiness has followed him. He was telling me that his fighting wasn't working out and the gym that was supposed to be open now is going to take another 3 weeks. Which is what they said three weeks ago.
The fall that I knew was going to happen is becoming more evident and I can see him becoming reckless with his restlessness.
On a good note I have started to concentrate a little more on me and the girls. I can see a light. I don't know how long it will take to reach it but I know it is there. I went out and bought some things for the baby.

[talk time]

i agree with CW If you stepped back a bit and was less available to help him, although it will be very painful and hard for you, he may start to see things more clearly and have to rely on his family who aren't really helping and his own resources that aren't that clear right now.

this may mean he has to hit total rock bottom but may make his way back and maybe eventually back to you or not.

It doesn't sound like he is being a great influence around your children at the moment and they are finding this confusing as well.

You sound like a really strong person, although you may not feel it right now, and the one that has held it all together, give him the opportunity to try and find his inner resources to hold some of it together himself. He may not be able to but it sounds like it has gotten to a point where you can't hold it together for him either.

You deserve to be happy and so do your children and eventually you can be, this may not be with your husband though. He deserves to be happy too, we all do, but you can't make this happen for him although god knows it sounds like you have tried and tried.

Step back and let him walk his path even if it is one of destruction or it may pull all of you along with him.

Just get through every day one at a time, every journey starts with a single step. My thoughts are with you.
tt

[talk time]

Sorry about the double post but I didn't realise you had posted again and so hadn't read your last post.

I am really glad today was a better day for you and that you are finding it easier to focus more on yourself and the girls, buying things for the baby etc, all steps of moving forward. It is up to him if he is able to follow.

Good luck and one day at a time. Take care. tt

[jacun]

up and down again

So yesterday things were great I was feeling hopeful about the future and some of my choices. I followed his bread crumbs and ended up with nothing again. I found more numbers in his phone and I watched him lie right in front of me. He even gave me the phone to prove a point but he didn't think I would look. Anyway he is talking to some new girl and to make me feel "better" he was like don't worry she is fat and gross. I just sat there and start laughing because at that moment I just felt so pathetic. Here I am trying to bargain with my husband about his contact with other females. He ended up telling me that he would tell me anything but it doesn't necessarily mean its true. Then he asked are we going to **** or what. and after I said no he was like suck my **** then. I can't believe that he would reduce me to some street person like that. I am still his wife and to think that he is talking to me like I don't know. And that didn't even push me away. What did it was when we were kissing he pulled his pants down just enough. That's when I noticed that things are far worse than I thought. He really is treating me like .
I just hate that we are both pregnant and about to have a baby but I am the only one showing. He gets to go out and party like its nothing. like I am nothing. How could someone that has loved you and that you have loved try to reduce you so low. I have spent so much time and energy trying to understand and make things work and he gets to ride off into the single sunset. When did this become my reality???
I just need someone to take my hand and walk me through this because I keep getting stuck in my feelings and understanding of him and for him.
When did I become this person?
I am tired of my own story.
When I said make a choice of what you are going to do. First he said he didn't know. Then he said he was leaning towards not coming back. But he wouldn't be decisive. I know this decision is up to me and only me. but I just don't want to start the process. Even though I know I need to.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

jacun
Then he asked are we going to **** or what. and after I said no he was like suck my **** then. I can't believe that he would reduce me to some street person like that.

This is where i stopped. Dead still to be precise... I have not read the rest.. I don't need to. WT?

You are hanging on to a dream.. You and your kids, are being treated like .

Please, please, let him go on his journey of what ever at least for the time being.

Time out.

Your destroying yourself.

He's acting like a pick up guy, can't get it from those on the net, they're probably too far away, so give woman, yet passifying you the next day, crawling back into your space and invading your trust.

"If you love someone let them free if they come back to you they're yours if they don't they never were"....

Famous saying.

Do you really want to be treated like trash?

As a wife?

Don't let him in.......... let him see the woman he married..... she's not there for that rubbish......

CW

[jacun]

I know this is so awful. I just don't know how to begin the process. I see him everyday. I feel so defeated as a person because I don't know how to let go. ANY Advice would be so great. I don't know how to get out of this circle of . I get the feeling that no one else is going to want me if my own husband doesn't. I am 9 months preg. and lonely and gross and I don't have the strength to even fight this battle. Which is why I think I have been going with what ever. I hold on to this pathetic hope that he will stop and say sorry. Not that he has ever done that before.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know this is so awful. I just don't know how to begin the process. I see him everyday. I feel so defeated as a person because I don't know how to let go. ANY Advice would be so great. I don't know how to get out of this circle of . I get the feeling that no one else is going to want me if my own husband doesn't. I am 9 months preg. and lonely and gross and I don't have the strength to even fight this battle. Which is why I think I have been going with what ever. I hold on to this pathetic hope that he will stop and say sorry. Not that he has ever done that before.

Firstly, the process is not possible. Your about to drop... Your emotions are havic. Wrecked...

No man, no man, has the right drugs aside, to ask for sex, okay, give be a bj?

Your feeling more emotions... Your husband was the ultimate disrespectful male species.. Anyone disagree? Disrespectful..

Any hope must only come by you showing respect me.

Ignore him... for a while, concentrate on the birth of your child with full knowledge that from ignorance, always comes confusion, if not what? and usually followed by I've lost control, then comes the pattern again, love you, it will be alright.

Do not allow him to hurt you anymore...

Simply state... I'm worth more... ask those of whom you are communicating with, not me...

And stick by it.

The only way to make him see reason is if he feels he's lost you.....

Fact.

Try the hard approach...

What do you have to lose?

CW

[jacun]

??

I am scratching my head today. After everything that has happened. He showed up to see the girls yesterday. We were at the store when he called, so I said he could meet us at the park. I didn't want him in the house. So after being at the park waiting for him, the thought crossed my mind. He should be here by now. He's at the house. So I race home and there is his car. I left the girls in the car and went inside to find him laying across the bed. My bed sleeping. I was asking him are you ready. Lets go. And he had this sad look on his face and was saying how he missed his house. He said it a few times. I just said well the girls are waiting so we should go. At the park we pretty muched ignored each other. I asked some random questions he answered. Afterwards I tried to give him clues that he could leave now but he came back to the house. He was playing a board game with the girls and I sat at the counter getting dinner ready and on my laptop. I fed the girls and he looked up to see where his was at. I was still making a plate for him even though he had left. He looked shocked but didn't say anything. While playing the game I heard small conflicts between him and my oldest, something that never happened before. And he fell asleep in between his turns.
When the girls went to get ready for bed he gave them this huge hug saying how much he loved them... and fell back asleep. When I came downstairs he was passed out on the floor. I woke him up and told him it was time for him to go. He jumped up and with anger in his voice was like "Ya, im leaving now. I'll call tomorrow."
I guess I am mad because I am wondering what he has to be upset about. He finally got his wish. He is out of the house, I am putting up boundaries and sticking to them. And I am not questioning him about his friends. Oh ya he did mention that he spent $600 on the new playstation. I just said ok thanks for telling me I'll watch out for the charge. I still do the bills.
Anyway today no phone call and I haven't been anticipating it either. I am really proud of myself for finally standing up.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Me too.....good for you...

I would be getting a new pin number for the Credit Card, straight away.

If conflict has started between your children and their father, you need to distance that space from them and him, especially if he is falling asleep, assumably from drugs.

He seems to be in a bad way and can not be near them at this point in time.. It's too confusing for them to see him in this state.

He sounds messed up somewhat..

But, just as importantly.... What he did/said to you, and then coming to the house laying on the bed, falling asleep, at a game with his children, then on the floor????

Stick to your guns...

CW

[EmotionsRvalid]

Classic victim syndrome

I'm going to try to lay this down respectfully. I feel your pain. I've delt with a similar situation but with the genders reversed. (I'm male) What I've found is that (and this is ONLY my take and oppinion) a spouse like yours is very strong in many respects, but terribly weak emotionally. You can call it emotional intelligence absence. Instead of talking things through in a humble constructive way (like you'd probably like to do with him, but can't get anywhere with it so you do online w. others to find your answers) people like him turn to the alcohol, drugs, glory from others (fighting), and ridiculous pitty parties, etc etc. The only thing I've found that discourages this is to turn around 180 degrees or at least appear to. It's like playing games w. an animal that has no emotional or other intelligence like a puppy dog or snake etc. You chase, they run. You run, they chase. IT'S LAME! I hate it, but sometimes it gets them to come to the party enough temporarily to have a chance to work things out. Okay, pay attention. The other thing about this type of behavior- they want whatever it is they can't have. Maybe change the locks? Pretend that other men are after your booty (infidelity is never okay) but if he thinks you don't need him and he can't have you..... He's going to want you! However pay attention again, those with this type of behavior/personality they are also very romantic/dramatic. They will do really things based on emotions they don't know how to deal with. They can over react like up and move out w. their mom etc because they are feeling alone, disconnected w. their spouse, over burdened w. responsibility (which has nothing whatsoever to do w. the amount their responsibilities- just how they view and deal w. them). So don't over do it or take yourself too seriously that you believe what you're doing. (Weird, but true) You're awesome you obviously have patience, commitment, and many other admirable qualities! Hang in there. And remember to treat him like he's the man. If you're condescending in all this it will backfire on you. Remember that he has good qualities that's why you married him. He just happens to be emotionally immature and is acting like a baby for now.