[rcoreyus]

Sadly there are other people in this situation - it is absolutely miserable. Maybe best for you both if you leave. You have my sympathy.

[WildChild]

R has a point, perhaps best to leave and free you both to find more compatable partners?

[cookie36]

Wow..by reading this post has brough back alot of memories..bad ones none the less. I was too into a 8 year realationship with a man who had no more desire to have sex than I have to climb mount everest. I , like you had thought something was wrong with me. I went to see my OB/Gyn and spoke to him and wanted to know from a mans point of view. He told me men are visually stimulated...hey tried that with lingerie, I figured it was because I had weight on...lost that. Tried doing what he wanted..which was oral sex for him...this left me feeling worthless, unattractive, and no self confidence as a woman. There was no emtion from him when I approached the situation..all I heard was he was tired and stressed...good thing he wasn't a brain surgeon...I would have been deemed a nun years ago. After years of feeling like that...I walked....I left alot of material things..big house..nice car..boat..motorcycle..cabin..etc...but at least now I have my self esteem back and feel more of a woman than I have in years....I have found someone who tends to my needs...its not all about sex..but we have intamacy all day long....I feel wonderful and sexy....you will know when enough is enough...good luck and take care of you.....no one else will

[CatEyes]

I feel for you

Hi,

I'm in the same situation. I read your post and thought I was reading about myself! My lover is also a boyfriend from many years ago.

I think the answer is to leave the marriage, but I am very much struggling with that, too. I can't leave my lover, it's too wonderful.

I just got a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." It is supposed to help people like us who are having a hard time making the decision. Maybe it would help you.

Keep in touch, let me know how things progress.

[skat1968]

In your shoes

We're both 45, been married 11 years. I love my husband, he is a good father and provider. We get along pretty good, go places movies, out to dinner, etc.. Here is my problem. The last time he really kissed me was on our wedding day. Once we said I do and got into our home he had me then and romance went out the window. He was never a sex everyday kind of guy but as the years went by the days between sex turned into weeks then months. I have to ask him for sex and then he's tired, he's busy, this or that, and when he does it lasts 15 or 20 minutes. He will rarely ask me and when he does its just come on get on, there is no foreplay no nothing. I have shown him, I have talked to him, I have written letters to him, I brought toys, movies, I have prayed and every once in a while he will do a little better but then after a couple of times we're right back to nothing. I had it in my mind that there was something wrong with me as a woman and that this was all my fault. I thought maybe I just wasn't attractive enough or just had forgot how to please a man. He doesn't even enjoy getting a BJ. After sex he goes back to watching tv or to sleep. I can't lay on him my body is too hot, I have to get out of his spot before I get it wet, I can't lay my head on him because its to heavy, he doesn't like to be touched and all kinds of stupid mess. All I get at night is a hug and goodnite. I just got to the point after years of tears and a hurting heart to try to ignore my sexual needs. A year ago I got in touch with an old BF from 20 yrs ago and the chemistry was still the same. I was terribly shocked by my body's actions. I mean it was as though I became alive again. We touch, we kiss, we make love and its awesome. I don't have to use any creams or oils for lubrication and I can lay on, touch, caress, and love on him with no complaints. I feel bad about the cheating but I need this physical and mental affection. We talk almost everyday, sometimes even have phone sex. My husband and I are more like roommates with a son. I've even talked about leaving but he doesn't want me to leave yet he doesn't want me either. I'm getting ready to end this affair only because its wrong. I dread going back to the way things were with my husband. I guess I don't leave him honestly because of the fear of starting over. I just wanted to know if there are other women who really do love their husbands but the husband shows no physical/sexual interest in her and what do you do after you've tried everything possible?

Wow - I can sympathize with you. My husband & I have been married for ten years, we have two children. Before we were married our sex life was amazing. I would probably say I was a bit shier than he, but none the less, very satisfying. Our first child was born 5 days before our first wedding ann. and I will be honest, I couldn't stand to have sex while I was pregnant. It just felt weird. Long story short, we have had many interferences in our sex life over the years. The daily affection has never been all that great. I have tried to explain to him what I need, but he never seemed to care, or it would change for awhile, and then go back to the same old S>>>. He has a lot of self confidence issues, didn't see these coming before we got married. He's losing his hair, gaining weight, etc. None of which bothered me. Not sure if I have just stopped caring or what. We used to fight like cats & dogs and in the past, he has asked for a divorce, told me he loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. I think I'm kinda done.
I have known a married man for a couple of years, yes the attraction was there. But he is married, 3 kids; I'm married, 2 kids. Things took a turn this last spring. We were just joking around and I asked him if he ever considered having an affair with a married woman. No strings, No hearts, just fun. We and I mean we have fallen head over heels for one another. It's absolutely insane.
I feel as though I have just rambled on, but maybe that's what I needed to do. I sure hope you don't mind. Never done this before. Thank you for listening.

[CatEyes]

Some advice

Dear Wonderful Women Who Are in this Awful Situation,

I have been dealing with this for years, and you can see in my earlier post, I have been in another relationship and lying all the time to my husband -- and worse -- my son, to spend time with this man.

Bottom line is the marriage is dead and if you can manage it (financially, etc.), you need to end it.

I have gotten much strength from my women friends, 2 therapists, and books. I highly recommend TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY by Mira Kirschenbaum (sp?). It takes you through a series of questions to help you determine what to do. It helped me immensely. But you should also go to therapy and figure out why you allow yourself to be in this situation.

I went through much soul searching, self blame, self pity, and turbulence, but I finally erupted and told my husband that I wanted to split up. Oddly he is OK with this. Not happy, but accepting.

I needed to live an AUTHENTIC life. It may or may not be happier, but it will be honest. I am not leaving FOR the other man, though we love each other and will continue our relationship. I am leaving for my sanity and health.

I hope you will find out what is best for YOU. As women, we always want to take care of other people and feel selfish taking care of ourselves. We are afraid to hurt other people (husband, kids, friends), but actually, we need to understand that they are capable of handling their own emotions and we don't need to take responsibility for them in this way.

I have so much more to say on this, but I will stop for now!

Keep writing and reaching out to other people -- it helps. You will find the answer that is right for you.

CatEyes

[Unshaw]

I feel for you I know where you are coming from (genders reversed). I have some idea's on what might be happening. As this is how I'm starting to feel toward my wife after being in a sexless relationship for the last 5 years.
1. You could start by stimulating him mentally like you both did before you got married. Try and find some fun things that you can both do together or try and beat him at something game of strip poker or on holiday with race on the beach only some examples.

2. It could be revenge as you may have rejected his advances in the past and he has gotten to the point if she didn't want this from me years ago why should I do it know.

3. Have you ever asked what he would like or his expectations from sex.

Just some idea that may help.

[starjoy08]

I can't imagine what you are going thru. All I can say is lying will make it worse. If you are unhappy then leave. We only have one life to live, so live it well.

[sweetly]

husband is clueless despite counseling, pleading, and a failed swap

i am so sad, demoralized, angry, frustrated in a similar marriage w/no affection. luckily i have no kids, so getting out isn't so complicated, altho we do own property and businesses together. i am sick and tired of being responsible for all the intimacy in our m. we became friends w/a local couple and not long afterwards the guy started to pursue me and the gal started to pursue my husband. we both fell for it, i much harder b/c the guy turned out to be a narcissist and dumped me cruelly. have been in marriage counseling but he still pines for the other woman (they never had sex, but there is a strong connection b/t them and they still text and communicate). we can never heal until that relationship is over.

sorry to go on and on about my situation, but it is horrible being in a marriage w/someone who has intimacy problems (my h has same issues after sex - head to heavy, doesn't like wet spot, etc.). these guys need help. they are CLUELESS about how their selfish hangups affect us.

i am on my way out. he has asked for one more chance, yet cannot say even the slightest thing sexy, hot, or alluring. he avoids all this and pretends all is fine. if it weren't for me verbalizing my unhappiness, we would never be dealing w/anything. but it has been so hard.

you have a right to do whatever you want to get your needs met. i suggest that for your own dignity and security, that you find a way to be honest. nobody should hold your sexuality hostage. there is really no reason to sneak around.

i wish you luck. and would love to hear more from others. i am so exhausted and am trying to write my dissertation and keep my business going, i take anti-anxiety meds just to get through this period and know it will end soon.

thanks for letting me vent!

[Texasred]

I sympathize with several of these posts, since my situation is just the reverse: my wife has told me, in so many words, that she doesn't need intimacy, hugging, cuddling, and she kisses friends hello more enthusiastically than she'll kiss me. And on those very rare occasions when we do have sex, she doesn't even want me to touch her after she has her "O."
And since she has an orgasm very quickly, my needs are even more rarely met.

Over the past six months or so, I've talked to her several times, as non-confrontationally as I can, about how I feel and what I need. The only result is that once every two or three weeks, with no warning, she'll "visit" my bedroom (she insists she can't get a good night's sleep with me in "her" bed), and on those occasions, she makes no pretense of enjoying the sex, and doesn't want to do the things that I know she likes. She's just there to keep me in line, and she gets me off as quickly as she can.
Which, depending on how long it's been, and with how well she knows me, can be pretty quick indeed.
Once, when I'd commented (in a VERY understated way) that it had been "nice," she replied, "Well, this is better than getting a divorce."
As a result, I get to feeling like I've just used a prostitute - which I would *NEVER* do!
Next time she visits, I'm tempted to give her money when she leaves...

So... I've met a woman who is the polar opposite of my wife: she LOVES kissing, cuddling, hugging and touching as much as I do, before, after, and during sex.
I'm not taking anything from my wife that she has any need for or will even miss. She may or may not notice, though, on her next nocturnal visit, that I haven't saved up hardly anything for her.
My guess is she'll just be relieved.

Why don't I just leave? Because I can't take being financially ruined, and because she's said if we break up I'll never see my son again. Which I know she'd do; she'd move away where I'd only get to see him every few months, and I couldn't take that.

Bottom line?
Men aren't the only ones who practice emotional abuse...