[danceintx]

Were you awake when he started or did he just kinda sneak up on you and start when you were still asleep?

He woke me up first, and no I don't make unconfortable noises, only silent winces usually, then an oww! or something to get him to stop. Thing is, I am ok with a little hair pulling, spanking, etc. But sometimes it gets out of hand, and this is the third time I have blatenly said, not so rough. Then when I thought today I got him to understand me, and I was over it, he makes the comment, "so should I just not be rough or completely stop?" I said stop what? "Fingering, spanking, hair pulling, etc" I was like well, if you can't do it without being to rough I guess so. Sheesh.

[newhere808]

He woke me up first, and no I don't make unconfortable noises, only silent winces usually, then an oww! or something to get him to stop. Thing is, I am ok with a little hair pulling, spanking, etc. But sometimes it gets out of hand, and this is the third time I have blatenly said, not so rough. Then when I thought today I got him to understand me, and I was over it, he makes the comment, "so should I just not be rough or completely stop?" I said stop what? "Fingering, spanking, hair pulling, etc" I was like well, if you can't do it without being to rough I guess so. Sheesh.

Hmmm, I say set some boundry's, if he cannot adhere to them, and respect them over some period of time, then re-evaluate the relationship. I can definately say that it may be difficult for a guy when his girl likes some roughness, but when she is physically reacting in a painful manner there is no excuse to continue going "too far".

[Texasred]

Dance, this just doesn't sound good.
Please go back and re-read for yourself all you've written, and imagine for a moment someone else had written this: What would you advise that woman?
That, for starters, it doesn't much sound like her "boyfriend" gives a hoot whether he hurts her or not?
Is that a good sign?
I think you can figure this out for yourself; stop this before you get hurt.

Best wishes to you,
TR

[rcoreyus]

Its not that simple. She likes slightly rough play (if I understand the posts correctly), just he doesn't seem to understand how rough. He may not be uncaring, just insensitive. She may need to be very clear on exactly what the limits are.

[danceintx]

Yes, I can see how this seems. I have in the past had a tendency toward abusive men. I certainly don't want to end up with anyone insensitive or uncaring. I will keep all this in mind and take it seriously. It's not been just this, the anal thing has continued to also be rough even when I tell him it makes be bleed when we do it still, he still goes at it without lube, just like I never said anything. I am really upset about all this today, and am avoiding talking to him much, so I can think. He just apoligizes profusley and says it will stop immediately. I don't know.

[newhere808]

Yes, I can see how this seems. I have in the past had a tendency toward abusive men. I certainly don't want to end up with anyone insensitive or uncaring. I will keep all this in mind and take it seriously. It's not been just this, the anal thing has continued to also be rough even when I tell him it makes be bleed when we do it still, he still goes at it without lube, just like I never said anything. I am really upset about all this today, and am avoiding talking to him much, so I can think. He just apoligizes profusley and says it will stop immediately. I don't know.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it sounds like you should really just put a stop to the whole thing. Bleeding after anal sex can be a huge health risk, as a)you may not know what exactly the source of blood is and b) that is a dangerous place to have an open wound due to the bacteria and the chance of going septic.

If your not willing to stop the relationship then at least stop the sex, it doesn't seem like he respects you enough to deserve it.

[rcoreyus]

OK, if he is doing things that you have specifically told him not to (anal with no lube), then he is just uncaring, and I take back what I suggested in my previous email.

Lots of people enjoy some amount of rough play - but that doesn't mean he as free rein to do anything he wants. In fact if you play a bit rough, trust is more important than in a completely vanilla relationship.

You need to find someone who will enjoy the sort of things you like.

Yes, I can see how this seems. I have in the past had a tendency toward abusive men. I certainly don't want to end up with anyone insensitive or uncaring. I will keep all this in mind and take it seriously. It's not been just this, the anal thing has continued to also be rough even when I tell him it makes be bleed when we do it still, he still goes at it without lube, just like I never said anything. I am really upset about all this today, and am avoiding talking to him much, so I can think. He just apoligizes profusley and says it will stop immediately. I don't know.

[LanaBear]

Oh dance. I know you care about him, but man, this just seems so one sided. He's ignoring your requests, it isn't healthy.

I agree with 808, if you aren't wanting to stop the relationship, stop the sex. Take a few steps back, he can't continue to do this, it isn't right.

Rough play is great, but as said above, you need trust. You need boundaries in place, lines that don't get crossed. Even if you wanted rough play right now, the trust isn't there. I'd be sitting back wondering how it is going to hurt next, I wouldn't even be able to relax enough for just vanilla sex now.

Take that break and think things through.

[danceintx]

I think the bleeding after anal is mostly because I have a small hemeroid, I am still new to it, and he isn't exactly gentle when we do it. I have told him several times after doing it that I was bleeding and needed to wait awhile before doing that again. He's like oh, yeah, I understand, sorry. But then when we do it again, he does get carried away and for whatever reason doesn't think about lube exept when I bring it up, and does it kinda rough sometimes. It's aggrevating that I'm not getting the point across somehow. I do have a tendency to not say much about something that bothers me until it really bothers me. And he has this thing in his head that he'll try things and it's ok as long as I don't say no. But thing is, I assume he's trying it because he likes that and I don't want to tell him no to something he likes. Now the rough thing I have even gotten upset about once before and told him. But here we are again. I also wonder a lot about porn, the fact that he has been married for 12 years and I'm his first since his ex, and mabye porn has shaped his thinking about sex. He has said he watches it, and we all know how porn goes. Not exactly the most sensitive and caring when it comes to the woman. There is alot I don't know about my bf since we have only known each other 5 months, but drilling him about porn is just something I feel weird about doing. And he keeps telling me he really doesn't like it rough, just gets that way with me sometimes. Makes me wonder if he just doesn't know better.

[newhere808]

I think the bleeding after anal is mostly because I have a small hemeroid, I am still new to it, and he isn't exactly gentle when we do it. I have told him several times after doing it that I was bleeding and needed to wait awhile before doing that again. He's like oh, yeah, I understand, sorry. But then when we do it again, he does get carried away and for whatever reason doesn't think about lube exept when I bring it up, and does it kinda rough sometimes. It's aggrevating that I'm not getting the point across somehow. I do have a tendency to not say much about something that bothers me until it really bothers me. And he has this thing in his head that he'll try things and it's ok as long as I don't say no. But thing is, I assume he's trying it because he likes that and I don't want to tell him no to something he likes. Now the rough thing I have even gotten upset about once before and told him. But here we are again. I also wonder a lot about porn, the fact that he has been married for 12 years and I'm his first since his ex, and mabye porn has shaped his thinking about sex. He has said he watches it, and we all know how porn goes. Not exactly the most sensitive and caring when it comes to the woman. There is alot I don't know about my bf since we have only known each other 5 months, but drilling him about porn is just something I feel weird about doing. And he keeps telling me he really doesn't like it rough, just gets that way with me sometimes. Makes me wonder if he just doesn't know better.

Not knowing any better is not a relevant areguement when your partner continuously says "ouch", "stop", "too rough" etc etc. I'm trying real hard not to sound overly harsh about this, but it seems that you guys are not a good fit. He's too rough, and apparently doesn't listen much, you don't know much about his past, and the worst thing is that you come off as if you defend him a little bit. If this is how things are after 5 months it's scary to think about what would happen after a year, 5, marriage, kids!

You've really gotta think about no.1 here, I don't know you from Eve and I feel your safety (emotional and physical) is more important than your boyfriend of 5 months doing what he enjoys. You should at least feel that much towards yourself.