[caterpillar79]

Stillearnin,
Also as someone who has never gotten one card, love note, flower (he has bought me plants) or much along the lines of romance, any little thing given as a "just because I love you" can be HUGE. The OP need to learn how to touch his wife's heart not just her body.

101% true. Call it cheesy, but nothing is cheesy if it is aimed at saving a marriage/relationship, and is meant by the doer because he wants to do it out of love not out of duty.

Receiving flowers and a little love note with a loving hug and a passionate kiss when you least expect it... oh, so sweet.

Men in general need to learn how to touch their wife's heart not just her body.

[StillLearnin]

I also gave other examples other than housework. I guess I touched a nerve with you.

No, no nerve. Everybody is entitled to their opinion. And you did suggest more.

But as a man that has done all that, and it took me threatening to leave for changes to occur, I do get tired of hearing/reading those same suggestions that never worked for me. I could have filled her "love buckets" that way the rest of my life, to my grave, and no changes would have ever happened. You would think that with the occasional sexual frustration I showed and all the rejections that she would have got the hint sooner or later (I'm obviously asking her to make love because I WANT to make love to her more regularly, not just to bug her). But she didn't, and it took drastic measures for me to force some changes from her.

[PJhavinfunagain]

True. I guess my main point is communication now rather than later, and acts of love (housework, etc.) might not help the situation alone.

I also gave other examples other than housework. I guess I touched a nerve with you. I was in no way suggesting he take on all household duties and clean the house from top to bottom! Helping around the house was 1 of 3-4 examples.

[PJhavinfunagain]

Stillearnin,

I am sorry this is your experience. I would not give this advice to everyone. I was only giving suggestions as to how the OP could do some things differently.

I personally am grateful for all my Dh does. When he does some extras for me when I am not feeling well or super stressed it means so much. It makes up for the times when I am stretched thin and have asked him and the kids to help me catch up but nothing gets done. Stresses me out more and certainly does not put me in a romantic mood.

Also as someone who has never gotten one card, love note, flower (he has bought me plants) or much along the lines of romance, any little thing given as a "just because I love you" can be HUGE. The OP need to learn hot to touch his wife's heart not just her body.

[StillLearnin]

Still, did you make your wife feel guilty for her previous experience, inform her that going down on her was out of the question? Your experience and this have a different basis.

True. I guess my main point is communication now rather than later, and acts of love (housework, etc.) might not help the situation alone.

[WildChild]

Still, did you make your wife feel guilty for her previous experience, inform her that going down on her was out of the question? Your experience and this have a different basis.

[StillLearnin]

I agree time to stop talking about it and time to show her how you feel. Put all your love and passion into action. Little things that will take any kind of load or stress off her are great. Do the dishes without being asked. Plan a special night out. Write her a love note and leave it with a flower she likes somewhere she will find it. Make sure you are doing these things with NO expectation of sex! If you are expecting it she will sense it. I could always sense when DH wanted some while I was struggling with my libido.

I have to chime in here, based on my experience. I did exactly as you and others always suggest, for years and years. I did those things because I wanted to, for her and the family, and didn't hold them over her head to have sex. When she told me no (which was all the time) I just kept my mouth shut and grew more and more frustrated with my marriage.

I think in theory this should work, but reality (at least my reality) was that I was allowing her to control me and oppress my sexual needs. She knew I did all that stuff and didn't expect anything in return, so she never gave me anything in return. And she knew at times I would show sexual frustration, but she'd get mad at me and tell me to grow up. It was h*ll.

I think open, honest, communication, as well as all that other stuff, of course, is necessary. And the sooner the better so it doesn't build up resentment over years.

Sometimes when I think about it I feel like a real chump to allow the oppression for so long. I feel like she trained me to be exactly what she needed, and didn't care at all what my needs were. But the past is the past and I can't dwell on that. Things are a lot better now.

[caterpillar79]

I actually do a lot of that right now, and have throughout our relationship. As I said, I never bring up the past with her, except when I apologized for my judgmental behavior recently.

When I touch her lovingly, it's often met with a rebuff. She basically seems to equate any touching with sex, as she knows I get turned on easily, so the moment I touch her or even attempt to kiss her lovingly, it's often turned away, because she thinks that if that is allowed it means I want sex that minute, and unplanned spontaneous sex is basically a no no in her mind. Only on rare occasions is that sort of thing welcomed. We have a loving relationship though. There is no true hostility here. We don't really even fight. We disagree, but we never say truly hurtful things to one another. I've never once thrown out a genuine insult at her, and she's never done that to me. By all accounts we have one of the more peaceful relationships you'll ever find.

I emotionally closed myself off in my previous marriage. I didn't do it intentionally at all. I recall why it happened now that I have gone through therapy/counseling.

Here is to share my experience.

We married each other as virgins. So, no issue there. But as time went by, it has been a pattern, which my subconscious stored and started deflecting even before I realized: every time he gets lovy-dovy, all the times he touched me gently and lovingly, he wanted it to end up in sex. Or even the other way around: every time I am affectionate, and he gets turned on, he wanted it to end up in sex. I would love to do it, but not at all times. I felt the need, the pressure to do so as a dutiful wife even if my emotions say 'no'. Eventually, I started no repel any loving touch from him for I was conditioned that sex would soon follow. Until it lead me into numbness altogether, and him raping me.

Though is is not entirely your case, you still have time to reverse it. Be loving and touching her the same way, or even more, but make sure it's just that. Wait for her to really show you she wants you terribly - you'd be able to tell. Build her up into wanting you by touching her, then pull away...touch her, kiss her passionately, then pull away. Make her long for you. do that repeatedly and condition her that she will be safe. Now you have to promise that it won't lead to sex until she herself will say so/or indicate so.

This will be your challenge. If you do it right, you'll get her back. That is what my new husband did to me, hence I feel very safe and am able to open up again, and love with my all.

[PJhavinfunagain]

but I feel like all of you have sort of skirted past the fact that my wife and I did behave different before we even met, so it doesn't seem likely that I caused all of this with my words I spoke 7 years ago.

See this is the issue right here... You love this woman, you should not care about what happened before you came into her life. Now if she was an axe murder or something that would be different.

I have had wayyyyy more sexual encounters than my DH. Did he care? Heck no!

[PJhavinfunagain]

I agree time to stop talking about it and time to show her how you feel. Put all your love and passion into action. Little things that will take any kind of load or stress off her are great. Do the dishes without being asked. Plan a special night out. Write her a love note and leave it with a flower she likes somewhere she will find it. Make sure you are doing these things with NO expectation of sex! If you are expecting it she will sense it. I could always sense when DH wanted some while I was struggling with my libido.

To be honest in the beginning if DH had come out and told me at the beginning of our relationship not to count on him ever going down on me because he thought it was gross I would totally have backed off and shut down. I was never into giving my guy a BJ. Now that I am in a loving, passionate safe relationship I am exploring this more. We are both reaping the rewards. I would NEVER tell a guy straight off "Just so you know, I refuse to give you a BJ, it's gross". It never really came up and just did not happen... no big deal. If a guy I was with wanted it bad enough he would ask and maybe if I felt safe enough I would say OK I will try but let's take a shower first.

I am really upset that since all of a sudden you are wanting to change the dynamic of your relationship you are upset because she is not elated and immediately jumping you. Women do not work that way. We do not shift gears that fast.