[LilahX]

I wouldn't take the slightest bit of notice about what he says about the great sex he had with his ex. from what you've said I'd hazzard a guess that she was as unimpressed as you but she just didn't say anything.

I don't know how emotionally invested you are in this relationship but as others have said, this guy is sexually selfish. Whatever the reason for that (whether he's embarrased, or feels inadequate or just doesn't care) he doesn't seem prepared to address it or change anything. Can you live like that? Sex isn't the 'be all and end all' of a r/shp but , it's extremely important and resentment like you're feeling will only rub off on the rest of your r/ship. It won't go away. His attitude won't go away unless he wants it to.

Do what's best for you.

[stressed]

He has to have his nipple constantly stimulated in order to orgasm, he worries about losing his erection in positions you want to try, you have sex in an uncomfortable fashion to accomadate his needs, you give him foreplay he gives you none, when you inniciate... he shuts you down and you feel bad... waiting for him to inniciate can take weeks...you have had the problem in the past (don't know if you still do) with his porn usage...

I read all that... and I see a man that is very sexually selfish... its all about what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants. No thought or consideration is given to you about what feels good for you.

How can he possibly expect you to be sexually satisfied like that? He can't. So either he's too self-centered to realize he's not the only human in your marriage that has sexual desires... or he just doesn't care. One of the two... but he has to know that he is not doing the bare minimum to make you happy in bed.

Now the time thing, I don't think is as signficant. EXPLOSIVE.. dynamic and awesome intercourse can be had in less than 5 minutes... when there is passion and heat and plenty of foreplay involved. If he's just poking it in you while you exhaustively stimulate a nipple that 20 minutes you say is too short would feel like hours to me.

If he thinks he had good sex with his ex 10 years ago maybe its because she didn't like sex and so was fine with whatever bone he through, or perhaps she faked that she didn't need or want foreplay, and thoroughly enjoyed doing things his way or no way and same way always.

I do NOT think you can come out and just tell him you'd rather masturbate, thing is ... with what you have described here... it shouldn't come as a shock to him, but still it won't help bring you closer which is what you really want afterall.

Communication is going to have to happen though... tapping into his fantasies while gosh it seems like you shouldn't have to do a thing more for him before he starts doing them for you... however... you want the ball rolling, I know so , perhaps getting him to communicate some fantasies might allow you to spark some more interest from him... and when you do start sharing some of your own desires and see how he feels about that.

Have you ever guided his hand toward you and told him you want to feel him touch you etc? Do you let it be known in physical ways as well as verbal what he can do bring the heat? I am in no way holding you to be the one that should have to give him a map... he really should have figured you out so long ago...

Was the sex ever good between you guys? Has it always been this way?

Thank you for this long reply, I appreciate your words

He's stopped with porn, but since this year started I just don't care whether he watches or not to be honest, I don't search his computer anymore because porn should be the last thing to bother me, it's how he is with me that does. Of course if I'd look and find any I'd start a fight (because of how sex is) so I just choose to trust him and focus on the serious issue. I think I've changed a lot mentally, in a good way.

He knows I'm not satisfied, I can see that in irrelative discussions or jokes and insecurities he has. My worry is that he doesn't improve a lot while he knows this. He keeps asking without giving and if I don't give him anything spontaneously, without him asking, he says "you haven't done that in a while" (i.e. a few days - when I don't remember him ever doing the same thing to me without me having to ask days beforehand).

He could be self-centered, as he's told me many times that he's the one needing stimulation before sex as he's the one who has to perform. To this I've always said that it should not be about performance, it shouldn't be something planned 'that has to work', but something enjoyable for both. He always agrees and always brings the same excuse up the next time.

Once I mentioned the nipple issue and he said "it seems to be the way it works now", but I know he doesn't need it to orgasm, his hand always works for him.

You are correct about the time span, it just feels it takes longer than it is and actually 20 mins can be good enough time. It's just been 10 min foreplay for him and 10 min sex for so long that I add them together since it's always predictable.

And it's true about his 10-year ago ex. He was her first and since him she's had a few boyfriends. It's just that it's a bit annoying to know that they had sex many times a day at different places or that once he gave her such a huge orgasm she couldn't talk, or that he loved it when she was on top (which he doesn't with me). I mean, how can there be such a huge change in a person? He's not even 40 yet, he can't use age as an excuse. And why tell me that for, I don't need to know any details. In response I told him about something I did with my ex and he brings it up often because he hasn't tried it with me. He minds what I've done but thought it was ok for me to know what he's done...

Last week he told me "it's ok to masturbate, just think of me", right after the discussion we had about how often he thinks about sex. He expects me to be patient, not force things and that he will 'get there' slowly. I don't see why it takes SO much effort to give pleasure to the one you're in love with, it's supposed to come naturally.

A few days after that talk he talked to me about some fantasies he had and wanted to try, I said of course he can, it's great to know that he even has any. Yet, none of them actually include me in receiving any pleasure. All of them were about him 'being in control' and me just being there, doing something or sleeping. In a way it's good that he opens up, in another I'm disappointed because I was hoping his fantasies included me more or were more interactive.

I showed him what feels good for me a few times during the first year, those were the best for me. Yet all those times he complained about cramps in the finger or his hand getting tired or this angle not being convenient. I honestly don't remember the last time he used his hand on me, even if I've told him many times "you are tired, we don't have to have sex, but you can use your hand". The answer is always "of course, I can do that tomorrow" and of course he doesn't because of another excuse.

Like now, I'm still waiting for a backrub he promised last Saturday, which we agreed to (I made the coffee - he'd give me a half hour backrub). Since Saturday I hear "I haven't forgotten, I will do it tomorrow". Other times he's like "holding and kissing can be nice too, it doesn't always have to lead to sex", even if I don't pressure him about it anymore.

But I'll start showing him, again, what to do. Maybe I can tell him too, even though he doesn't seem to be interested in knowing, if he was he would have asked. It all seems to be about 'him'.

But I'll try...

[stressed]

I wouldn't take the slightest bit of notice about what he says about the great sex he had with his ex. from what you've said I'd hazzard a guess that she was as unimpressed as you but she just didn't say anything.

I don't know how emotionally invested you are in this relationship but as others have said, this guy is sexually selfish. Whatever the reason for that (whether he's embarrased, or feels inadequate or just doesn't care) he doesn't seem prepared to address it or change anything. Can you live like that? Sex isn't the 'be all and end all' of a r/shp but , it's extremely important and resentment like you're feeling will only rub off on the rest of your r/ship. It won't go away. His attitude won't go away unless he wants it to.

Do what's best for you.

It's not that his past bothers me anymore, if nothing else it probably proves that he explained things out of perspective and that he just remembered it being good when it probably wasn't. Plus, he might have wanted to show me that he's 'so good at it' that I shouldn't worry about his current performance and that it's only a 'phase'.

I don't think I can live like that, it would lead to other serious problems. I'm just glad we're not married.

[stressed]

Also, I find it ironic that every time he asks if I've had an orgasm, when he knows I haven't had an orgasm during sex before. I don't know why I told him that, I regret telling him so for some reason. This is where the ex's past reappears as he's told me she didn't always have one, but when she did it was great, and that the clitorical orgasms I manage to reach are nothing compared to vaginal orgasms etc. Great help, all talk and no action. Maybe he feels inadequate because of this (and he is). It's the same as if I'd tell him that none of my ex'es lost an erection, unlike him, but he wouldn't like to know that, now, would he.

[rcoreyus]

His loosing his erection or needing his nipples stimulated is I think a different issue - some men have trouble orgasming just as women do. Compared to the other issues, I wouldn't worry about this (yet).

His talking about wonderful sex with his ex may be trying to compensate for feeling inadequate now - he has trouble pleasing you, has trouble maintaining an erection - maybe he is somewhat avoiding sex for fear of failure.

Maybe he would be willing to please you if he wasn't feeling so inadequate? Have you tried asking him for things that aren't physically challenging (like giving you oral). (You may have, I don't remember all your posts).

On the other hand, if he really doesn't care about pleasing you, then you have a real problem. To me, the desire to please one's partner is the most important requirement to be a good lover.

This is depressingly similar to the situation with my wife. She rarely wants sex (though more often in the last few weeks - I'm eternally hopeful ), and just doesn't seem to want (or maybe know) what to do. I don't want to pressure her about technique for fear of turning her completely off of sex again.

[Hopeless Dork]

I'm glad you took to focus off the porn stressed, its too easy to blame a bad sex life on it and look no further for whats wrong .... but now that you are looking at whats really the matter... my gosh there is a lot thats the matter !

I agree with Rcoreyus, that he might turn to bragging about his ex to compensate, overcompensate. If he's feeling insecure sexually maybe his goal is to make you feel that way as well. In a loving relationship there is just no need for that type of insecurity. He doesn't have to worry, shouldn't have to worry about "performing" for you... it should be about making you feel good... and him letting you make him feel good.

You guys aren't being graded and he needs to understand that. Theres a million ways he can make you feel good that don't involve his erection, his nipple , none of that.

But even though from all you have said here, conclusions can be drawn that he is sexually selfish... you obviously love this man and want this to work or else you would have walked out a long time ago.

So building up resentment isn't going to make things better, placing blame (even though ack... it sure seems where it should be layed :P) won't better your relationship, neither will making him feel worse than he likely already does about his abilities to satisfy you.

Instead, you might want to just start from day 1. Although you feel you've told him your wants and needs before... what feels good to you, etc... it might be time to offer that refresher course, in the most loving way possible.

When he does something that makes you feel good, let him know, clearly. I can't imagine what person doesn't want to feel like they gave someone pleasure, its a real good feeling to have. Once he starts seeing he is capable of giving you pleasure, perhaps it will raise his feelings of adequacy and he will start , all on his own, seeking out giving you pleasure, to make himself feel good too.

[stressed]

Thank you for your answers, they have helped me a lot. I've done just this, started a 'refresher course', talk to him more about what he wants to do and so on. I've asked about the backrub he owes me since Saturday and he said he delays it because he's tired and it's only because he wants it to be good for me and not just a boring one, as I've been very nice to him. Right now he doesn't seem to be afraid to ask for more, even if he still doesn't do much, but at least it's a start.

I can understand that both men and women can find it difficult to orgasm, I definitely have a more serious problem than him as I just can't orgasm at all during sex, but I do understand that he's worried about not performing, even if we both think it's more of a mental than a physical issue for him. I just can't enjoy sex when I have to be on the nipple every time, it's not easy to breathe and he's twice as big as me. Since we're not trying to conceive a baby he can take it easy with it being all about him, as now it's just about him reaching an orgasm, whether it is to boost his confidence or not, and not about mutual enjoyment.

Maybe the fact that his ex cheated on him affected him in this way, she might have cheated on him because of sex so now this stayed with him.

I also get the same feeling as rcoreyus, that he doesn't know what to do or doesn't want to do anything. He tries oral once or twice a year but he gets short breath (smoking) and is disappointed that he can't do it for longer (he's said many times that what kind of a man is he if he can't do even that). I mean, I understand all his difficulties, either physical or confidence-related, but I have always supported him and always gave him time. It would just help me a little if he showed more interest in doing what he can instead of just asking me to do everything.

But now I work on this a little every day. You guys have helped me clear my thoughts and see all the perspectives of the matter. Thank you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Add to this that he's told me stories about how much and good sex he had with his ex over 10 years ago

Insecurity not true...

I've asked about the backrub he owes me since Saturday and he said he delays it because he's tired and it's only because he wants it to be good for me and not just a boring one, as I've been very nice to him

Insecurity, trying to avoid, and trying to acknowledge.

but I do understand that he's worried about not performing

That's his fear. Doesn't want to get caught out on lies. He's never been a good lover just states that he was.

Maybe the fact that his ex cheated on him affected him in this way, she might have cheated on him because of sex so now this stayed with him.

She ruined him to the point that he doesn't want to be intimate and give, and he may think of past and therefore, can't go through with it, giving.

also get the same feeling as rcoreyus, that he doesn't know what to do or doesn't want to do anything. He tries oral once or twice a year but he gets short breath (smoking) and is disappointed that he can't do it for longer (he's said many times that what kind of a man is he if he can't do even that).

I'm a smoker I can get on top, give bj's, love, be intimate and well not saying anymore, not true.

I mean, I understand all his difficulties, either physical or confidence-related, but I have always supported him and always gave him time. It would just help me a little if he showed more interest in doing what he can instead of just asking me to do everything

It's not confidence, it's hurt, it's his past, he probably gave his all, he has baggage and can't jump it, the best you can do is say , "I'M NOT HER".. He's taking all and giving nothing.

Fear.

[stressed]

Insecurity, trying to avoid, and trying to acknowledge.

I also think it's insecurity. I told him it doesn't have to be great, it's great whatever he does and it doesn't have to be perfect. Still, he turned to me seriously (almost annoyed even, as if I don't understand him) and said that he just wants to do it right (after this he asked for oral and somehow that felt like my needs come second - as I was very tired too but still did it for him).

It's like he delays it because if he doesn't do it 'right' I will be disappointed and think less of him (and we're talking about a backrub here). I just wish he understood that I don't grade him and just want him to touch me more. If he's anxious about a backrub and thinks about it every day while delaying it just think how much anxious he is about doing even more. But I can't help him any more, I've done everything, after this is a psychologist and he's not going to go to one.

That's his fear. Doesn't want to get caught out on lies. He's never been a good lover just states that he was.

If that's true, which his behaviour shows it is, then he must be panicking. If his only ex left him to get better sex and now his current girlfriend also complains about it then it must be a blow.

I'm a smoker I can get on top, give bj's, love, be intimate and well not saying anymore, not true.

Same as me. But he also has asthma and coughs daily now. But he had quit for 6 months and the cough was gone, still, he did much less without the cough than now, so even if I recognize that it can give him a short breath I still see a lack of will to act.

It's not confidence, it's hurt, it's his past, he probably gave his all, he has baggage and can't jump it, the best you can do is say , "I'M NOT HER".. He's taking all and giving nothing.

Fear.

I sense a lot of fear for sure. To think how it was in the beginning, he was totally avoiding sex and was trying to convince me that it is not very important in a relationship. His excuse was that he had forgotten how it is to be with someone as it had been years since his ex. Still, I thought that not being with someone for years only makes one do a lot more as soon as he's with someone.
Fear and hurt, like you said...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My ex played this card. His ex, wife cheated on him, but as I learnt, he turned her insecure, from size 8 to 16... She left for someone whom appreciated her, all women from then were............. fill in the blanks..

It's controlling though stressed, to ask for his works... when he's listening to you "asking" for your needs is it not?

He can't handle your sexuality... He doesn't believe in giving, sexually, he's bruised, hurt, and apart from not doing it or back rups, because he may fear he will do it wrong, he has a problem with women... Therefore, he'd probably prefer one that gave, didn't ask, and therefore showed love.

See where I'm coming from? He may need to feel total love, instead of sex, he may need to feel that everything about your touch IS NOT sex, it's with love, change his thought pattern.

That's about all I can offer you.

It didn't work for me, but it may work for you.

CW