[pretzel]

I'm sorry to hear your situation. It may be the best for both of you though. If she decides that intimacy isn't important in your relationship, then it won't get better. You have every right to find someone who shares your idea of a happy marriage. Maybe she will find someone who shares hers.

I think that you have done all that can be asked of you to try to make this work.

Irony in it's best.

My wife (and many of my own posts) hold similar themes to Greydog's which is why it's hard for me to offer any kind of opinions as to what to do and how to cope.

The irony for me is that the other nite my wife and her friend were discussing plans for her husband's 50th birthday party this weekend. In the course of the conversation, my wife's friend mentioned that her brother in law and his wife separated and that my wife and him would make a great couple. I think based on all that's has transpired over the last couple of years, if the subject is brought up at the party, I may just say "go ahead, she's yours."

Sorry greydog for butting in like this.

[stressed]

This is so sad to read. And to say that you're the one with the depression... that is cruel. She finds it difficult to admit she has a problem, maybe because she doesn't need sex as much as you do. Maybe she can't understand your need to be intimate even if she doesn't have the same need. When sex goes downhill the whole relationship goes downhill. You don't see your partner in the same way anymore, you know something is missing.

You did the right thing by telling her, at least she knows. Counseling would be a very good idea, but even if she doesn't want to go then at least she is considering her options. As long as she is honest about her decision and not say "I will try" just to keep you, while she makes no effort, then there is a chance to fix this. But if sex and intimacy mean nothing to her then there isn't much you can do. You deserve to be with someone who is on the same level as you. Someone with whom you don't have to calculate the stars' position, the temperature and the wind before you have the same position for the X'th time to get it out of the way.

I've made little progress in my case, but it is a heck of a lot of work to fix, if it can be fixed.

[stressed]

The irony for me is that the other nite my wife and her friend were discussing plans for her husband's 50th birthday party this weekend. In the course of the conversation, my wife's friend mentioned that her brother in law and his wife separated and that my wife and him would make a great couple. I think based on all that's has transpired over the last couple of years, if the subject is brought up at the party, I may just say "go ahead, she's yours."

What kind of a friend is this? I'd be shocked to hear that and I'm shocked to have read it. It's not funny at all. You could have told her the classic "well, you don't know her as well as I do".

[Greydog72]

Sorry greydog for butting in like this.

No Problem...

And yes it's ironic....I think her best friend at one time was kind of saying things about her brother and my wife.

I'm kind of in the same boat as you....If the situation ever came up, I don't think I wouldn't hesistate in telling her, Hope for the best for you...if he can give you something I can't, I would happily say good bye.
I don't want her to be miserable, but I'm tired of trying to make her happy. I need to make US happy and if she can't find away for us to be happy. Maybe we both need to find a new us.

Butt anytime...

[WildChild]

Irony in it's best.

My wife (and many of my own posts) hold similar themes to Greydog's which is why it's hard for me to offer any kind of opinions as to what to do and how to cope.

The irony for me is that the other nite my wife and her friend were discussing plans for her husband's 50th birthday party this weekend. In the course of the conversation, my wife's friend mentioned that her brother in law and his wife separated and that my wife and him would make a great couple. I think based on all that's has transpired over the last couple of years, if the subject is brought up at the party, I may just say "go ahead, she's yours."

Sorry greydog for butting in like this.

WOW that sounds like she and friend have discussed things and the friend at least thinks it's time to move on.

[pretzel]

WOW that sounds like she and friend have discussed things and the friend at least thinks it's time to move on.

I wouldn't put it past them.

[pretzel]

No Problem...

And yes it's ironic....I think her best friend at one time was kind of saying things about her brother and my wife.

I'm kind of in the same boat as you....If the situation ever came up, I don't think I wouldn't hesistate in telling her, Hope for the best for you...if he can give you something I can't, I would happily say good bye.
I don't want her to be miserable, but I'm tired of trying to make her happy. I need to make US happy and if she can't find away for us to be happy. Maybe we both need to find a new us.

Butt anytime...

That's how my first marriage ended after 17 years. She's happier and for a time so was I.

I know some of the issues that I've talked about here concern both physical and emotional. The main reason I first came here was that I had convinced myself that at 46 whether or not the problems we were having could be a result of perimenopause. Taking a gander at some of the Menopause threads and possibly having your wife talk to her OB/GYN about some of the early symptoms cannot hurt either of you in the least.

Another aspect I looked into was emotional. My wife's been on Paxil for a number of years and doing research on it found that there is a connection between SSRI's (which includes Paxil) and decreased libido. That's just another avenue I went down. Couple the Paxil and alcohol and you can see that my weekends are just a barrell of laughs.

WC made a point in a thread a few months back that has stuck with me since. It basically stated that the person with the low libido controls the relationship. That is as true a statement as I've read. I know it's true in my case and more than likely true in yours also. If I can add to that, the one with more issues takes up all the time in the relationship. It's real hard to want to be intimate when all your time is taken up with other people's problems.

I know how hard it is to pressure someone to face something they don't want to. There's a couple of posters here who have used this and have gotten a positive start. I don't know how your wife will react to this type of ultimatum. I know how mine would and it makes for tough going knowing that anything suggested would be met with resistance but that's my reality and I have to deal with it. Your wife may take this postively as a wake up call.

[Greydog72]

pretzel,

It's weird how I have been looking at things lately....After this weekend, It WAS like a new day...A big weight was lefted off my shoulders...unwanted pressure released. Do I want my wife in my life...yes. We have children together, she will always be a part of my life. But I need a Lover too and she knows that now. The part that makes us husband and wife is not only the family but what brought us together to make this family. Will she always be called my wife...only time will tell.
My date of rekoning was in the first week of Februray...it is know the end of March....it took me that long to finally sit down and explain to her. It's not easy. But I needed to do it for myself and my family. She knows what I need and want. I'm not explecting to get everything I dream for, but we need to find a comfortable middle ground. I need that. I will always love her, she is the mother of my children. But I need my soul too. It's what gives me strenght and hope. If I'm giving my soul to you...I don't want to demand it too...I would love to be given it.
I don't want money, I don't want fame....I just want 1 person to love me til the day I die...I have dream, that the last person I touch and see is my soulmate. Right now she is faceless.

[pretzel]

pretzel,

It's weird how I have been looking at things lately....After this weekend, It WAS like a new day...A big weight was lefted off my shoulders...unwanted pressure released. Do I want my wife in my life...yes. We have children together, she will always be a part of my life. But I need a Lover too and she knows that now. The part that makes us husband and wife is not only the family but what brought us together to make this family. Will she always be called my wife...only time will tell.
My date of rekoning was in the first week of Februray...it is know the end of March....it took me that long to finally sit down and explain to her. It's not easy. But I needed to do it for myself and my family. She knows what I need and want. I'm not explecting to get everything I dream for, but we need to find a comfortable middle ground. I need that. I will always love her, she is the mother of my children. But I need my soul too. It's what gives me strenght and hope. If I'm giving my soul to you...I don't want to demand it too...I would love to be given it.
I don't want money, I don't want fame....I just want 1 person to love me til the day I die...I have dream, that the last person I touch and see is my soulmate. Right now she is faceless.

It sounds like you said the right things just as I have. You also got pretty much the same reaction. She "knows" your needs. She's faceless.

I'm getting ready to leave for the day. Tommorrow I'd like to expand my response.

[WildChild]

Men aren't the only ones who deal with this. People can be tough but we are here to learn and grow and sometimes it's Hard and frustrating.