[CHANDLERS WISH]

If I'm giving my soul to you...I don't want to demand it too...I would love to be given it.
I don't want money, I don't want fame....I just want 1 person to love me til the day I die...I have dream, that the last person I touch and see is my soulmate. Right now she is faceless.

It's not a dream.. The day people wake up and realise that we can't change people, we have given it everything we have to succeed but it hasn't, is the day people will see what you just wrote and that is real, very real and will happen, providing you strongly believe... Because with that belief you will allow yourself to find.

It's those who see the marriage/children and believe that they "have to stay" that destroys their souls to never be able to find...

We live this life once. We're here to learn from past mistakes.... why live lonely, un-happy, sad, frustrated, in pain for the rest of our lives?

Do your best and if that's not accepted, then I agree..... look deeper into your soul and find that soulmate.


CW

[rcoreyus]

Be careful about settling for a compromise that will gradually fade away. Maybe she agrees to have sex a few times a week - over a year it becomes once a week or less. You certainly don't want to be in a situation where you "keep score" - if you haven't had sex 8X in the last month you leave - that is certainly not healthy.

Since I'm in a similar situation I've thought about this. I eventually decided that what was important was that my wife WANT to have sex with me, not just do so to keep me happy. I think you are in the same spot. If your wife doesn't want sex, there is not future.

[pretzel]

Be careful about settling for a compromise that will gradually fade away. Maybe she agrees to have sex a few times a week - over a year it becomes once a week or less. You certainly don't want to be in a situation where you "keep score" - if you haven't had sex 8X in the last month you leave - that is certainly not healthy.

Since I'm in a similar situation I've thought about this. I eventually decided that what was important was that my wife WANT to have sex with me, not just do so to keep me happy. I think you are in the same spot. If your wife doesn't want sex, there is not future.

I think this hits the nail on the head for alot of us. It's not about keeping score, how many times we make love or having sex just to keep us from leaving.

It about us wanting certain things for our wives (SO's) for us and for each other.

We want our wives to feel good about themselves, to look in the mirror and be happy about the way the look at themselves.

We want our wives to find us just as attractive and beautiful as we find them.

We want them to have the feelings of closeness that we get when we look at them in the eyes and see the bond that we've created over our lives.

These wants aren't any different from the wants our wives want for us also. But the hard truth and reality is that it can't be forced upon each other nor will some magic wand make everything better. Both have to want for each other the same as they want for themselves. It's this disconnect and whether or not our wives (or husbands if the case may be) are willing to admit that there is a disconnect and what can be done.

[WildChild]

I think this hits the nail on the head for alot of us. It's not about keeping score, how many times we make love or having sex just to keep us from leaving.

It about us wanting certain things for our wives (SO's) for us and for each other.

We want our wives to feel good about themselves, to look in the mirror and be happy about the way the look at themselves.

We want our wives to find us just as attractive and beautiful as we find them.

We want them to have the feelings of closeness that we get when we look at them in the eyes and see the bond that we've created over our lives.

These wants aren't any different from the wants our wives want for us also. But the hard truth and reality is that it can't be forced upon each other nor will some magic wand make everything better. Both have to want for each other the same as they want for themselves. It's this disconnect and whether or not our wives (or husbands if the case may be) are willing to admit that there is a disconnect and what can be done.

Well put. WHY is it so freaking hard to DO???

[Greydog72]

I think this hits the nail on the head for alot of us. It's not about keeping score, how many times we make love or having sex just to keep us from leaving.

It about us wanting certain things for our wives (SO's) for us and for each other.

We want our wives to feel good about themselves, to look in the mirror and be happy about the way the look at themselves.

We want our wives to find us just as attractive and beautiful as we find them.

We want them to have the feelings of closeness that we get when we look at them in the eyes and see the bond that we've created over our lives.

These wants aren't any different from the wants our wives want for us also. But the hard truth and reality is that it can't be forced upon each other nor will some magic wand make everything better. Both have to want for each other the same as they want for themselves. It's this disconnect and whether or not our wives (or husbands if the case may be) are willing to admit that there is a disconnect and what can be done.

I agree too...

Pretzel...I'm wondering, my wife is very much in showing everyone around her how well put together she is...she jokes and everyone loves her. Everyone thinks we have a perfect marriage on the outside. I told someone that we where having a little problems and they where shocked...they said, "but how...you guys are great together". But I see a very low-self esteem woman that doesn't like anything about her body. I wish we could get counseling...I have never told her anything but great things about her body and looks. But I also know it doesn't matter what I say and it has to come from her self image...
Is your SO kind of like that too?

[pretzel]

I agree too...

Pretzel...I'm wondering, my wife is very much in showing everyone around her how well put together she is...she jokes and everyone loves her. Everyone thinks we have a perfect marriage on the outside. I told someone that we where having a little problems and they where shocked...they said, "but how...you guys are great together". But I see a very low-self esteem woman that doesn't like anything about her body. I wish we could get counseling...I have never told her anything but great things about her body and looks. But I also know it doesn't matter what I say and it has to come from her self image...
Is your SO kind of like that too?

That and them some. My wife spends more on health & beauty stuff in a month than I spend in a year for clothes. She's on the obsessive side with outward appearances but at the same time won't take the time of day to deal with how she feels.

My biggest issue is my wife's unwillingness to want to do anything to make her feel better. She won't go to the doctors whether it be our family dr, ob/gyn or any other specialist. I've heard every excuse, had every fight one could possibly have.

I know I have no answers.

[Greydog72]

It would be very interesting from the women in this forum, with somewhat the same problem Pretzel and I are having, if their SO are, for lack of a better term, self-absored and controlling.

I give my SO, shoulder rubs, foot rubs, with the asking and without the asking...The only time she will give back rubs is if I throw my back out. I will go get her coffee from the coffee shop just because she asks...even to interupt my task at the moment.
I'm a man who can do lots of damage if provoked....over 6' 3 and over 350 lbs. and I'm the one with the self control...Most people are afraid of me until they get to know me...I'm the one who doesn't miss any of our kids activities...If she doesn't feel like it, she will make an excuse to not show up. Sad thing about it...that's one of her biggest complaint she has about her parents, not making most of her activities when she younger.

Sorry if I seem hostile...I just get thinking of what I do and will try and I start getting red in the face. Opposites may attract, I guess they just dont stay...

[purplehaze]

Hi Guys, I spent 15 years in a marriage like yours. I tried everything under the sun. 2 years ago I was trying to arrange private golf lessons for his birthday and he could not be bothered to help me with his work schedule. That was my breaking point. The next day I moved into the spare bedroom and never looked back. 7 months later he filed for divorce and then wondered what happened and how he could fix it. Of course this is the short version, it was a very one sided marriage no matter who you ask, even his family and friends.

[rcoreyus]

My wife matches this pattern perfectly. She also has low self-esteem (despite all I can do to convince her otherwise).

I agree too...
Everyone thinks we have a perfect marriage on the outside. I told someone that we where having a little problems and they where shocked...they said, "but how...you guys are great together". ?

[Messymiss]

Gosh I wish I had have read all this years ago Grey dog. You have really helped me to understand my husband and I might be able to help you understand your wife a bit. I was a bit like her. Embarrased about my body (which by the way is perfect), often too tired for sex, did not want to be touched intimately, I avoided anything that might arouse him. Undressing cuddling on and on. And I had no idea why!!!!! He's hot. Always has been. I adore him. Always will, even though he had an affair. I did put a lot of it down to my own problems and tried hard but could not pretend I was in to sex. Doctors did not help. POSSIBLE CAUSE I had been on the pill since I was fifteen due to vomiting for the entire week of my period. This helped with the sickness but more and more I lost inerest is sex. I did not link the two for a while but after fifteen years went off the pill. I developed fibroids, breast lumps and all sorts of hormone imbalances from there and still not a great improvement in sex.
I am now early fifties and have just started feelilng like I might be in the first stages of menopause. While other women are complaining of night sweats etc I am feeling on top of the world. Loveing every inch of my body. Stripping for my hus. Loving intimacy and sex. There has definately been a huge shift in my hormones. Could your wife have a hormone imbalance that has her so confused she has no idea what is wrong with her???Tell her to go to a Natropath and get her hormones checked. It is certainly worth a thought. good luck Grey and thanks for giving me a look at the "other side". Messymiss