[WildChild]

Book - One Hour Orgasm

[MiniVanMan]

Outside of the bedroom our relationship is mostly one of walking on eggshells. To use therapist-speak, we are each predicting the reactions of the other, expecting them to be bad or hurtful, and so communication is suffering. We are unhappy because our needs are not being met. I want more sex from a wife who wants to have sex with me. I DO NOT want to be accommodated. I DO NOT want her to just acquiesce to my demands. I want to be desired. She wants a communicative, talkative, emotionally engaging husband, and without that sex just can't happen.

We both live out our days with our needs unmet, discouraged and unhappy.

[LanaBear]

It was our couples counselor who first recommended a sex therapist. This was in response to my wife saying that I think about and want to have sex, or masturbate, so much that it was affecting other parts of my life.

This is what I used to tell my hubby when I went through 8-10 years of not wanting to have sex with him. You know why? Because by saying this, I was placing the blame on him, not myself. If it was HIS problem, then I didn't have to change, even though I KNEW deep down, it was entirely my problem.

Finally, I decided to grow up and deal with the situation. Now looking back, well, yeah, of course all he thought about was wanting to have sex, I was never giving him any. It's like telling someone to not think about the pink elephant in the room, well, that's all you end up thinking about. I'm kind of surprised that your counselor hasn't brought up that little nugget.

You are not overreacting, but she needs to change. She needs to do a little self examination, a little self reflection. I KNOW how hard it is to accept the blame in these situations, it's not fun because that means she has to change and when someone has to change, they are thrown out of their element and comfort zone.

Good luck to you.

[WildChild]

This doesn't sound impossible. Sounds like there is some projecting going on. She figures that if you do anything "nice" you are wanting sex. You figure if she has sex with you its not because she really wants it.

One Hour Orgasm, focuses mostly on non-intercourse sex and arousal. Mostly on pleasuring your partner by using your hands and setting the mood. Why not take a look at it and try a few weeks of just devoting yourself to pleasuring her, with no expectations? Try doing more non-sexual things like cooking together, working on the yard, having a picnic? Just do more that involves interaction, coordination, helping each other out and make it fun. This may help establish more trust and comfort in communication.

[pretzel]

This is what I used to tell my hubby when I went through 8-10 years of not wanting to have sex with him. You know why? Because by saying this, I was placing the blame on him, not myself. If it was HIS problem, then I didn't have to change, even though I KNEW deep down, it was entirely my problem.

Finally, I decided to grow up and deal with the situation. Now looking back, well, yeah, of course all he thought about was wanting to have sex, I was never giving him any. It's like telling someone to not think about the pink elephant in the room, well, that's all you end up thinking about. I'm kind of surprised that your counselor hasn't brought up that little nugget.

You are not overreacting, but she needs to change. She needs to do a little self examination, a little self reflection. I KNOW how hard it is to accept the blame in these situations, it's not fun because that means she has to change and when someone has to change, they are thrown out of their element and comfort zone.

Good luck to you.

Well put. I wish my wife would have the same revelation that you had. Reading the thread there were so many similarities to my own life (except as far as I know my wife isn't masturbating) but the situation, actions and reactions all have a far too familiar tone.

[LanaBear]

Well put. I wish my wife would have the same revelation that you had. Reading the thread there were so many similarities to my own life (except as far as I know my wife isn't masturbating) but the situation, actions and reactions all have a far too familiar tone.

I wasn't masturbating either... Just no interest. But the similarities on this thread are there. I completely stopped all affection, no hugs, no kissing in passing, not even a little peck on the cheek. My thought on it was, if I hug him, hugging leads to caressing, caressing leads to cuddling, cuddling leads to clothes coming off, clothes coming off leads to sex that I don't want. So, there you have it. Just like WC said.

But now that I'm the complete polar opposite of what I was then, it frustrates me to no end that women do this (probably hypocritical of me, but I don't care). If they only could remember how pleasurable sex was, how amazing sex can be when you have husbands that love you and want to please you and want that connection. The same husbands that are putting up with all this crp that you are throwing at them because they LOVE YOU. The same husbands who want nothing more than for you to have a complete relationship with them. A husband who WANTS to feel loved and desired too. The thing that kills me is how much my selfishness hurt my hubby, how he ended up not feeling desired. It hurts.

[pretzel]

I wasn't masturbating either... Just no interest. But the similarities on this thread are there. I completely stopped all affection, no hugs, no kissing in passing, not even a little peck on the cheek. My thought on it was, if I hug him, hugging leads to caressing, caressing leads to cuddling, cuddling leads to clothes coming off, clothes coming off leads to sex that I don't want. So, there you have it. Just like WC said.

But now that I'm the complete polar opposite of what I was then, it frustrates me to no end that women do this (probably hypocritical of me, but I don't care). If they only could remember how pleasurable sex was, how amazing sex can be when you have husbands that love you and want to please you and want that connection. The same husbands that are putting up with all this crp that you are throwing at them because they LOVE YOU. The same husbands who want nothing more than for you to have a complete relationship with them. A husband who WANTS to feel loved and desired too. The thing that kills me is how much my selfishness hurt my hubby, how he ended up not feeling desired. It hurts.

That is exactly what I'm trying to get from my wife.

[StillLearnin]

That's all we want. Why is it so hard for our wives to understand? Why did it take so long, and forcing an ultimatum, telling her that enough is enough, for her to take me seriously? (don't mean to hijack the thread, rhetorical question)

[WildChild]

That's all we want. Why is it so hard for our wives to understand? Why did it take so long, and forcing an ultimatum, telling her that enough is enough, for her to take me seriously? (don't mean to hijack the thread, rhetorical question)

It works both ways. The man in my life wants what he wants and too bad if I want anything but crumbs. I've entirely given up trying to initiate sex or any kind of intimacy.

[LanaBear]

It works both ways. The man in my life wants what he wants and too bad if I want anything but crumbs. I've entirely given up trying to initiate sex or any kind of intimacy.

It most certainly can and I apologize if any woman (who has also gone or is going through this) is rolling their eyes at my posts thinking the same thing. Not my intention, you could easily replace wife with husband or boyfriend and she with he in my posts and it would still hold true. I was just speaking from my experience and my frustration with it, but we all (especially those on this forum) know it goes both ways.