[JoliAvocat]

You've got to let that go man. Really, you have to just take a deep breath and let it all go.
The past is the past, and an unhappy one at that. Your fixation on sex and trying to fit a square peg in a round hole is what got the two of you to this place to begin with.

I disagree. He's obviously trying to work this out for himself and her. He may be over analyzing the situation at this point but letting it go is deadly. It festers and comes out later with a huge bang. Work it out. Don't let it go. Three or four marriage counselors have told me this.

[JoliAvocat]

Can you give us a couple of examples of what he asks you to do to have sex? Are they things even a friend could do instead? Yes, this is abuse.
People have sex at any age, no matter how long they have been together. If he wants a roommate then he should get a roommate, not try to turn his wife into a roommate, that's a nasty trap he set there.

He hasn't asked me to do anything. Married partners that don't want to have sex any longer make up excuses why they can't or don't want to do it. If this goes on for years, the excuses obviously get more ornate and involved and eventually run out. At that point the cat is out of the bag and it's just acknowledged sex isn't going to happen-no reason needed. And yes, this is abuse. It's also a selfish acknowledgement of I don't have to do that if I don't want to-nevermind I am married. I just don't. Very inconsiderate.

[emptypea2001]

Was the sex ever good? My guess is the few times you have had sex with him, it was bad. Does he masturbate? Additionally, does he have any redeeming qualities other than bringing home a paycheck? Finally, why on earth would you stay with someone in this kind of situation for so long expecting a different result?

[Hopeless Dork]

How about turning the tables here. I have a husband that hasn't wanted sex with me for 35 years. We've been married for 40 years on May 2. He tried to convince me that people don't have sex over 35. I have cried myself to sleep for decades and tried to talk about this with him several times.

I am so sorry. I am thankful to you for your sharing your story... for many of those women AND men out there in relatively early phases of their relationship going through something similiar though. For a sexual person to sacrafice 35 years of their pleasure trying to get their partner to care enough about them to try to please them... is heartbreaking.

For those that sit and think, maybe he'll change, maybe she'll change... read those words: decades.

Communication is so important if you aren't getting what you need from your partner, and if a compromise can't be made... you can spend 35 years banging your head against a brick wall... or cut your losses way earlier on if your partner refuses to respect your feelings/wants/needs.

I wish the best for you, Jolie and am truly feeling a pain in my gut for how hurtful your relationship has been to you.

If you had it to do over again... at what point/if any.... would you have realized that he was set in his ways and not changing?

[vikingfan23]

Well there is alot going on here. She sees your masterbation as a problem. Maybe because before she was masterbating, since your sex drive was higher, you were using masterbation in place of sex because she couldn't or wouldn't keep up with you. She was probably feeling some of the emotions you are feeling right now upon finding out about her recent 2x week sessions. Once those feelings crept in to her she began distancing herself emotionally from you, and therefore no longer felt close or intimate with you.
Masterbation for women can be many different things. And it is NOT always about sex. I have been masterbating since I was in elementary school. Once I became an adult I have found I masterbate for different reasons. Sometimes if I'm really stressed I will do it to relax. If I'm tired but can't sleep I'll do it to relax. And of course if I'm horny and my husband is not around I'll do it. One thing though, women can masterbate and still want and need sex from their partner. My sex drive is way higher than my husbands so knowing that, I may masterbate a couple of times a week just because I know he is more of a once a week guy.
I think you guys need to go to counseling together, and you need to find out what the underlying issue is and how to get the intimacy back. Once the intimacy returns her longing for sex with you will return. Perhaps you two can masterbate in front of each other, alot of couples find that to be hot and that can lead to sex itself.

[JoliAvocat]

Was the sex ever good? My guess is the few times you have had sex with him, it was bad. Does he masturbate? Additionally, does he have any redeeming qualities other than bringing home a paycheck? Finally, why on earth would you stay with someone in this kind of situation for so long expecting a different result?

You couldn't be more wrong. Sex between us, when it took place, was incredible. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be grieving so badly for it. He and I are both professionals that garner six figure incomes each year. Why would I stay with him? Because I have always loved him. I am of the belief that too many people, whether married or just in a relationship, cut and run at the first sign of difficulty only to move onto the next partner who has a different sort of problem. Nobody is perfect and if you work on relationships you have something so much more valuable than just onto the next. I've been married 40 years to him tomorrow. We are in counseling-both marriage and after that sex therapy. I posted here because I noticed that when there is a lack of sex in marriages or relationships, it seems it's always the female who doesn't want the sex. I wanted to point out to all of you that this is not the case and sometimes it's the male.

[JoliAvocat]

I am so sorry. I am thankful to you for your sharing your story... for many of those women AND men out there in relatively early phases of their relationship going through something similiar though. For a sexual person to sacrafice 35 years of their pleasure trying to get their partner to care enough about them to try to please them... is heartbreaking.

For those that sit and think, maybe he'll change, maybe she'll change... read those words: decades.

Communication is so important if you aren't getting what you need from your partner, and if a compromise can't be made... you can spend 35 years banging your head against a brick wall... or cut your losses way earlier on if your partner refuses to respect your feelings/wants/needs.

I wish the best for you, Jolie and am truly feeling a pain in my gut for how hurtful your relationship has been to you.

If you had it to do over again... at what point/if any.... would you have realized that he was set in his ways and not changing?

Thank you-heartbreaking it is. I am a woman of strong integrity and therefore, when I considered all of my options, I could not cheat on him just for the sex. I love him. I wanted sex with him. I knew 20 years ago this was an enormous deficit for me. He and I have talked about it often and openly and that resulted - usually - in one time sex and then more years of nothing. I was hurt over and over thinking that it might be fixed and having one time sex with the stark pain of realizing it was NOT fixed and I was once again in the same place. I got so I felt I was begging him which is not a good feeling as well. My OB/GYN told me we needed a sex therapist and I told him what the physician said. We just never went. At this point I told him I cannot continue the marriage. We both agreed to marriage counseling instead and will undoubtedly see a sex therapist afterward. Marriage counseling - after a few visits is very painful. It may get better if I can process some of the bitterness I feel because of this issue. I cannot trust him to have a sexual relationship with me at this point because every other time I have, it was one time sex and then years and I do not wish to feel the pain of that ever again. The counselor is extremely good. She is well aware of how I feel and is clear on our path forward. It's just very painful. I feel caught in this life I do not want and so does he. We are trying hard to determine what the new and improved marriage will turn out to be like. The saving grace is that for 40 years we have been very much in love with each other. What a paradox! If I didn't love him, I wouldn't want sex with him and it would be easy to vacate this marriage. He does know I cannot continue as we have been and at this point, I don't think he wants that old marriage either.

[JennieMay]

It works both ways. The man in my life wants what he wants and too bad if I want anything but crumbs. I've entirely given up trying to initiate sex or any kind of intimacy.

I agree with you Wildchild.

[pretzel]

He hasn't asked me to do anything. Married partners that don't want to have sex any longer make up excuses why they can't or don't want to do it. If this goes on for years, the excuses obviously get more ornate and involved and eventually run out. At that point the cat is out of the bag and it's just acknowledged sex isn't going to happen-no reason needed. And yes, this is abuse. It's also a selfish acknowledgement of I don't have to do that if I don't want to-nevermind I am married. I just don't. Very inconsiderate.

In that statement, you quite explicitly described what I believe my wife feels.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

How deep is your love?

Both...

One, sees sex as sex..

The other sees it as bonding, intimacy..

They have to join and see sex as sex, for fun, and intimacy as bonding, and loving, "together"..

CW