[Ryanl35]

This happened to me but not with the baggage described here. I simply started to wake up when my wife came to bed one night but kept acting like I was asleep hoping I would go back. After a minute, I felt the movements and heard the breathing and suddenly knew she was masturbating. She came very hard three times while my heart was pounding out of my chest. She went to sleep but it took me hours to calm down.
Summary, if you are being turned down 2-3 times per week - you are asking for it too much. Whenever one person pushes, the other resists. My guess is, if you stop asking, she will wonder what's up and it will be her who starts the asking. If you have to answer the why (you stopped pestering her for sex) - just tell her that since you noticed that she likes to masturbate for relief - you decided to give it a try yourself. Another thing you might try is next time this happens in bed, just get up and go in another room and masturbate yourself. She will wonder what's up, come out and at least will create a dialog.

Thank you for the suggestions, I have actually tried all this, I told her many moons ago that I would need her to initiate most of the time b/c I was tired of the rejection, it worked sometimes and sometimes it didn't.

[Ryanl35]

You really think she was what? Asleep and masturbating or awake and masturbating?

Where do you go from here?

My claim is she is awake while doing it yet I really cannot tell nor do I have conrete proof. Like I have stated my problem is not the act it's the turning me down and than doing it, and if indeed she is awake while doing, than it is also the lying to me about it.
I would like I guess at this point to move on and just accept that this is what she does. I can actually fall asleep now with comfort knowing she is right next regardless of what she is doing. She really has made an effort sex wise that past 4 weeks or so. I am really focusing on the positives and will continue to do so, I guess I just wanted validation from others that I am not crazy for thinking that this actually happening, and also that this is not my fault.

[stressed]

This happened to me but not with the baggage described here. I simply started to wake up when my wife came to bed one night but kept acting like I was asleep hoping I would go back. After a minute, I felt the movements and heard the breathing and suddenly knew she was masturbating. She came very hard three times while my heart was pounding out of my chest. She went to sleep but it took me hours to calm down.
Summary, if you are being turned down 2-3 times per week - you are asking for it too much. Whenever one person pushes, the other resists. My guess is, if you stop asking, she will wonder what's up and it will be her who starts the asking. If you have to answer the why (you stopped pestering her for sex) - just tell her that since you noticed that she likes to masturbate for relief - you decided to give it a try yourself. Another thing you might try is next time this happens in bed, just get up and go in another room and masturbate yourself. She will wonder what's up, come out and at least will create a dialog.

Actually, this is something that would probably work with my SO, but I just can't do it. I know he will want more sex once I stop asking for it but it's impossible of me not to. I don't know if you can do it. But going to bed every night with your SO, watching them naked or half naked during the day, fantasizing about them, how can you not ask for sex? 2-3 times is not too much, but I'd agree that when someone is turned down often then he's trying the wrong approach with this specific person.

Wanting sex and asking for it is not pestering, though, it's natural. Turning down repeatedly the one you claim you're in love with and find attractive, now, that's sly.

[BigDaddy]

Summary, if you are being turned down 2-3 times per week - you are asking for it too much. Whenever one person pushes, the other resists. My guess is, if you stop asking, she will wonder what's up and it will be her who starts the asking.

I'm intrigued here and I'm sorry for the thread jack but.......

Expecting sex 2-3 times a week is unreasonable? Thats "too much"?

How long is it reasonable to spend, "not asking" and waiting for your partner to wonder whats up?

I've had this conversation with a few people and went through much the same in my old relationship. The turning down etc, not the masturbating bit.

[emptypea2001]

This happened to me but not with the baggage described here. I simply started to wake up when my wife came to bed one night but kept acting like I was asleep hoping I would go back. After a minute, I felt the movements and heard the breathing and suddenly knew she was masturbating. She came very hard three times while my heart was pounding out of my chest. She went to sleep but it took me hours to calm down.
Summary, if you are being turned down 2-3 times per week - you are asking for it too much. Whenever one person pushes, the other resists. My guess is, if you stop asking, she will wonder what's up and it will be her who starts the asking. If you have to answer the why (you stopped pestering her for sex) - just tell her that since you noticed that she likes to masturbate for relief - you decided to give it a try yourself. Another thing you might try is next time this happens in bed, just get up and go in another room and masturbate yourself. She will wonder what's up, come out and at least will create a dialog.

[LanaBear]

I simply stated that was not what I meant and rolled over and went to sleep only to be woken up minutes later to a rythmic movement underneath the sheets, this time I said nothing and waited to see if she was asleep. I really think she was, I know we all scratch ourselves in our sleep, but she scratched her nose and went right back to work. She really is inconspicuos about it but I know what I hear and feel. She turned over a few minutes later and can

You really think she was what? Asleep and masturbating or awake and masturbating?

Where do you go from here?

[iwonderwhy]

I have the same problem! But when I do (as suggested) touch and enjoy myself with her, she asks "what are you doing?" I tell her what is recommended but she continues to deny...WHAT DO WE DO???

[Ryanl35]

Okay here is an update, I again thank you all for your advice. a while ago I did what you all suggested a waited until I knew she was into her activities. I turned over and asked what was going on and explained to her what I meant. She had no idea what I was talking about claimed she was asleep and her hands were no wher near that area. A wonderfule fight ensued which was fine with me since it was a start. I just wanted to subject out there so at least it was off my chest and I could stop hiding it anymore. She cried paniced and said she was gross if she was doing it, which she claimed was in her sleep since she was not aware of it. I ensured her I was supportive in anyway I could help and said she was far from gross or anything near that, I just wanted to know why, was it something I was doing or not doing to cause this. She said no. She investigated this subject on the net and found the same thing a few of you found "Sexomnia". I do not believe she has this at all upon futher investigation. She asked that I monitor her for a while, which I did and very closely but there seemed to be a change, really no activity. That was until the past 3 weeks. I will bring up last night. I wanted to have sex she asked that we wait until tomorrow bc she was tired. I said okay. We snuggled and shut the tv off, within minutes I felt movement under the covers and promptly asked if she was okay, she said she had an itch and that she was not engaging in any actvity, I thought this was odd since I had not said anything like this since I brought it up to her many weeks ago. I simply stated that was not what I meant and rolled over and went to sleep only to be woken up minutes later to a rythmic movement underneath the sheets, this time I said nothing and waited to see if she was asleep. I really think she was, I know we all scratch ourselves in our sleep, but she scratched her nose and went right back to work. She really is inconspicuos about it but I know what I hear and feel. She turned over a few minutes later and can

[jns]

Her lying is a problem as well as her lack of communications. However if she needs more than you can give, she is giving you all you want and you have been giving her a lot, you should not be upset with her giving herself a release. Give her multiple orgasms for long enough and she will most likely want to sleep. If she is masturbating to control her and your sex lives, it is a problem.

[Ryanl35]

Now wait just a dern minute. Something hit me after I posted the last message. You said during a good spell, 3 times per week. If you're married with children, 3 times a week is a pretty good sex life in my opinion. So if you and your wife have sex 3 times per week, and then she wants to masturbate 1 or 2 nights per week.......that would still upset you?

Does marriage for a woman mean no more masturbation without involving the husband?

I hear you on the good spells. I don't have any problem with her doing it but next to me at night is a little rude especially if you just turned me down. She can masterbate a hundred times a week I don't care. I will share a little more, I have actually encouraged her (before I found out this trist at night) to masterbate when I am not around and tell me about it the next time we make love. I love being sexual with her, and if she has fantasies I would love to hear about them. I am all about her privacy rights as well as mine, I have never masterbated next her after she turned me down (maybe I should).