[alterview]

honestly...

pitts-

lots of great input but i think wildchild has it right. i would consider putting marriage on hold until you can come to an agreement with your fiance. if not then really think about moving on. life is way too short to deprive yourself of a wonderful sex life. if a relationship is without sex it really is nothing more than a friendship at best. for myself, a good relationship has to have a strong sexual component of meaningful, bonding sex.

i went through a number of years in your situation: bad-quick-sex-infrequently. it sucks! getting out of that after being married and having kids together is so much more difficult.

i truly believe that in order for a relationship to work the two involved need to have similar sex drives. it is very true that things change over the course of years but at least starting on the same footing helps. discussing, from the time you feel you want to stay in the relationship, how the two of you will work to keep your sex lives passionate and growing should always happen.

i truly feel for you! best of luck- cheers!

[rcoreyus]

I'm in a marriage with someone who is sexually incompatible. I don't recommend it - it will be a constant source of stress and unhappiness for both of you.

I know she is wonderful in other ways (so is my wife), the continued frustration is poison to a relationship. Trying the various ideas here to see if she will change is great, but I don't think you should marry her if it doesn't.

[Hopeless Dork]

Like alterview says, sexual compatibility is so crucial to the relationship. If you love all of her and are so happy with her in every way except for sex... that is more of a friendship than a romantic relationship.

You both don't have to want sex the exact same amount, or share the exact same fantasies... but if you guy's can't compromise... can't meet in the middle its such a rough road ahead.

Either you're going to be wishing she would want you sexually, or she will be giving you sex when she doesn't want to and resenting it.

I think couples with mismatched drives CAN work it out with compromise at least if most of their needs are being met... some of the time... but if you are getting nothing you want, all of the time -- thats a hard one.

Not getting the kind of sex you want, not even getting ANY sex but rarely, and more a 'here take this, it should shut you up for a week or 2" type sex... depending on how much you want to feel desired, and necessary sexually to your partner.. will determain just how happy you can be like that.

Its not just about your orgasm but the overall intimacy that sex can bring to a relationship... without it...times are hard. some couples have to endure that because of medical reasons etc... and they let their love get them through, but I think it would be harder to accept a sexless relationship just because your partner doesn't like it.

They'd be more suted to a partner that also doesn't like sex... I'd think.?!

[shaunzie89]

Well, of course you shouldn't do anything she's not comfortable with. Communication and patience is an important part of the relationship. I can see where you would get frustrated but all you can do is give her time. Don't push her into anything she's not going to be comfortable with or enjoy. Sometimes sex involves compromise and of course, lots of communication.

[rcoreyus]

Sometimes "time" isn't enough.

... all you can do is give her time..

[StillLearnin]

Well, of course you shouldn't do anything she's not comfortable with. Communication and patience is an important part of the relationship. I can see where you would get frustrated but all you can do is give her time. Don't push her into anything she's not going to be comfortable with or enjoy. Sometimes sex involves compromise and of course, lots of communication.

And, it works both ways. She should work with him to become more comfortable with doing the things that he would like to do.

He could give her all the time in the world, and not get anywhere, because she's not compromising and meeting him in the middle. She has to work on the relationship too.

[WildChild]

And, it works both ways. She should work with him to become more comfortable with doing the things that he would like to do.

He could give her all the time in the world, and not get anywhere, because she's not compromising and meeting him in the middle. She has to work on the relationship too.

That's the key, if both aren't willing to work on it there isn't much to be done. If one isn't happy and the other is fine with it, who has the problem?
We've discussed this here before, the one with the lower drive, drives the relationship. All the other can do is grin and bear it (or more likely grumble and resign to it) or walk.

[Hopeless Dork]

the one with the lower drive, drives the relationship. All the other can do is grin and bear it (or more likely grumble and resign to it) or walk.

Too true. And in a good loving , HEALTHY relationship... one should not have grin and bear, grumble and resign... but communicate how they feel.. and the other? If they love as much as they are loved, they will dig deep and try to find a way to make their S.O happier, even if it means some minor (non painful) self-sacrafice.

If they can't do that... while asking their SO to be the one making all the sacrafices... its pretty obvious the relationship isn't equal, sex or no sex... it will be hard to find the happiness that way.

[stressed]

If I may add something with good intentions: It is very easy to advise someone to leave a relationship due to sexual incompatibility AFTER having spent many years in such a relationship OR currently going through one. It's usually people who currently are in such relationships who advise this (I have also advised such a thing in the past myself), yet, they do stay in their relationship and if they break up they don't do it just because of sex.

What I'm saying is, yes, those of us who are going through the same situation want to save others from making the same mistake, but at the same time we stay in our relationship and either hope it will improve or have accepted it. We know it's not as simple as that to leave someone just because of poor sex, so maybe we must focus our advices on how the person asking for help can improve his/her sex life and not just give a warning of "leave now because it will get worse". If they wanted to break up they wouldn't be asking for help here. They come here because they want to make changes or avoid a break up.

Just a late night thought.

[Hopeless Dork]

Thats a very good point stressed. I always try to advise communication as sometimes people don't even know what it is their partner really wants, expects or hopes for and draws conclusions based on actions that they are misundertanding.

But a relationship requires BOTH parties to want to make things better for each other... they have to equally want to be happy and want to make their partner happy and come to a compromise.

If you have a partner that is unwilling to work with you, even baby steps towards meeting in the middle... I think thats when its time to re evaluate if what you have is a healthy relationship.