[grrrr]

Stressed & Hopeless - totally agree.

No one who's in "sex prison" wants that for anyone else, but we really are voyers into the parts of the relationship that are exposed to us.

I think couples counseling if that is something that you're both open to may be a good idea. Perhaps there really is something that she's not telling you....

I appreciate your frustration, and I also appreciate that you're not willing to "throw in the towel" - good luck!

[rcoreyus]

True, and a good point. On the other hand, some of us in that sort of relationship though realize that it becomes more difficult to leave as time goes on. It seems OK to leave a short term relationship because you aren't compatible in bed. After years, or decades it seems very wrong.

If I may add something with good intentions: It is very easy to advise someone to leave a relationship due to sexual incompatibility AFTER having spent many years in such a relationship OR currently going through one. It's usually people who currently are in such relationships who advise this (I have also advised such a thing in the past myself), yet, they do stay in their relationship and if they break up they don't do it just because of sex.

What I'm saying is, yes, those of us who are going through the same situation want to save others from making the same mistake, but at the same time we stay in our relationship and either hope it will improve or have accepted it. We know it's not as simple as that to leave someone just because of poor sex, so maybe we must focus our advices on how the person asking for help can improve his/her sex life and not just give a warning of "leave now because it will get worse". If they wanted to break up they wouldn't be asking for help here. They come here because they want to make changes or avoid a break up.

Just a late night thought.

[StillLearnin]

Very good points. I avoid suggesting, or try to, to anybody to just dump their SO. I always put in the caveat "If the relationship is worth saving" to try to make it work out before doing that. There are so many more factors than just sex.

Especially when you have children that are approaching college age, a divorce at this time would be financial ruin, which would take away the money saved or being earned for college to pay the lawyers and to pay for two households. When you still love your spouse, even through the sexual h*ll you have been through, and having a family, there is a sense of responsibility, at least to the children, to see it through and make it work.

[pittsburgh44]

Thank you guys for everything:-------------------------


Yesterday when she got home, I made a nice little joke (i thought it was funny lol) when we stopped to pick up food and drinks and she reached for a straw and i said "would you like me to show you how to use that", then we both laughed and she said "you're a funny fu**er", and then said "you know those comments actually bother me" and i said "you know that what you don't do has been bothering me and by me making jokes, it's just another way that i try to bring to your attention things that are still issues with me".

She went on to say "well, you know where i stand on the issue".

Well again I got 1-2 hours of sleep because i was starring and "pointing" at the ceiling all night! I honestly wish there was a pill to kill my sex drive!

[StillLearnin]

i said "you know that what you don't do has been bothering me and by me making jokes, it's just another way that i try to bring to your attention things that are still issues with me".

She went on to say "well, you know where i stand on the issue".

Well again I got 1-2 hours of sleep because i was starring and "pointing" at the ceiling all night! I honestly wish there was a pill to kill my sex drive!

Dude, you need to either suck it up and realize that this is what your life will be like until you can't stand it anymore and start seeing prostitutes and having affairs, or you need to force the issue now.

A relationship is two sided. You are in a one-sided one. She has complete control, and it sounds like you are going to just accept it.

Good luck with your marriage.

[pittsburgh44]

Dude, you need to either suck it up and realize that this is what your life will be like until you can't stand it anymore and start seeing prostitutes and having affairs, or you need to force the issue now.

A relationship is two sided. You are in a one-sided one. She has complete control, and it sounds like you are going to just accept it.

Good luck with your marriage.

i got ya...


I just keep thinking that everybody has an issue or two with their S.O. that they can't change and i just see this as something i might have to accept. I know I know, i shouldn't have to, i guess i'm just trying to find comfort in talking about it (just trying a new approach!).

thanks though

[StillLearnin]

I just keep thinking that everybody has an issue or two with their S.O. that they can't change and i just see this as something i might have to accept.

Sure, we all do. But that's usually with leaving the toilet seat up or your dirty clothes on the floor. Those things can be worked out pretty easily.

But you are going into a marriage with the BIGGEST issue that a marriage can have. This is not trivial that can just be blown off.

It's admirable of you by "doing the right thing," "not rocking the boat," and all that BS. But you are allowing her to have complete control of a very important part of who YOU are. She's not even open for discussion. I went through this for DECADES. Every time I brought it up she told me to get over it, so I just kept my mouth shut, because by that time I had a family and was deeper into the marriage. Now my oldest kid is going to college, and I'm even deeper into it, so I can't afford to get out, for our children's future.

Force her to work with you to fix the problem NOW. Or you will be miserable. Possibly for decades. Trust me.

She won't take you serious until you show her you are serious about it. You keep laughing it off, and she knows she has complete control over your relationship.

[StillLearnin]

I saw your other post where you said you had 80 women before your fiance. That's awesome, man!

Like I was saying, you had sex with 80 women because you obviously like sex. You think you can go from that to a marriage where you're lucky if you get laid 3 times a month? You gotta be kidding me.

You have some major love blinders on for this woman. I'm just asking you to take off those blinders for the next six months before you do anything like get married, and have an honest look at yourself and your needs, and honest, open communication with your fiance about what you need in your marriage to be happy.

[pittsburgh44]

I saw your other post where you said you had 80 women before your fiance. That's awesome, man!

Like I was saying, you had sex with 80 women because you obviously like sex. You think you can go from that to a marriage where you're lucky if you get laid 3 times a month? You gotta be kidding me.

You have some major love blinders on for this woman. I'm just asking you to take off those blinders for the next six months before you do anything like get married, and have an honest look at yourself and your needs, and honest, open communication with your fiance about what you need in your marriage to be happy.

thanks again for your input and the # i've been with wasn't me trying to brag (I don't need online accolades lol), but was trying to show the difference between her and I in regards to experience. But seriously, thanks again.

[StillLearnin]

I've said all that I can.
Good luck to you.