[Sunshine Girl]

Thanks everyone for your replies. He has not told me that he prefers to masturbate, however actions speak louder than words for me. I have asked him why and he has no answer, told him how it makes me feel and he just apologises. I have asked him what he is thinking and he replies "oh this and that, that and this" just making light of my question.....

[Tiptopshape]

Try masturbating where he may be able to see you and you pretending he's not there. See how he reacts...Maybe living together that long and doing the same type of sex may just have bore him that he's more pleased to do it by himself. Do something out of the ordinary like waking him up in the wee hours of the morning with pleasurable licks and kisses on the right places, that might turn him on again. Put icing or something...consult any books on sex that you think might help you. Maybe he just needs someone to instigate the whole "making love" thing instead of him always starting the act everytime. Hope that helps...

[Sunshine Girl]

To be honest I don't think he would be fussed. When I first met him and we started a physical relationship I brought out my rampant rabbit on one occasion and he showed no interest at all. Once I suggested he use it on me and he reluctantly grabbed hold of it and was so clumsy I said just put it away. He is very set in his ways and selfish, that's the only conclusion I can come to. Having said all of this, to say he treats me well is an understatement. Even temper, never talks down to me or raises his voice etc I guess nobody is perfect....

[Mr. Inquisitive]

Wish I could offer some advice from a guys perspective but I can't wrap my head around why someone would rather masturbate. Sorry.

[WildChild]

There has been quite a bit of discussion about this on several threads and there is no one answer as to why. Apparently this not as uncommon as we wish it were. In my case I was dealing with a man who fights any kind of emotional connection. Occasionally he would slip into being connected and then would just pull back basically slam the walls up, with some men it seems to selfishness, some seem to be so used to their personal masterbation pattern that they don't respond well to other stimulation, for others it may be just a matter of habit.

You can't make someone else change what they do. You can talk to them in a calm and nonthreatening situation and make your needs and concerns as clear as you can. There is no guarantee that they will hear what you say or what you think you say. You can try getting creative with ways to draw his attention or show him that sex between the two of you is more satisfying than sex alone. But ultimately there is only so much you can do. The rest is up to him. If he is unwilling to change then you have to decide whether to torture yourself and live with a man who will not meet you half way and have an unfullfilling sex life or to move on and find a man who actually wants to interact with a real, loving and horny woman more than he wants his hand.

[stressed]

I love WC's post. Very well said.
+1 on that, I agree with everything.

[Sunshine Girl]

Thanks Wildchild, for me it is not so much the fact he does it but WHY? I guess it is possible he does not know the answer to that so cannot tell me. I guess I shall have to learn to live with it and just throw my toys out the cot every now and then when it comes to a head. As for moving on and finding someone else, that's never gonna happen. We are 54 now and it took me about 7 years to find someone as good as him (kissing many frogs along the way) For me at my age this problem alone is not a reason to end a relationship (if you know what I mean)

Now we know why people have affairs!!!

[Sunshine Girl]

It would ne nice to get a male opinion, preferably someone who does likewise...

[WildChild]

You are a year older than I am. It's a long way from over!
People are staying sexually active into their 80s and beyond. Did you know that seniors are the fastest growing group for STD and HIV infections? They aren't just sexually active, many are sexually adventerous! Please keep working on this, you could easily have 40 years of sex, or lack of it, ahead of you. That is probably as long or longer than you have been sexually active so far in your life.
Age is no reason to give up or compromise.

A man who doesn't meet your needs, regardless of age, is still a man who doesn't meet your needs. A man who won't communicate about it or even try is some thing you really need to think about. I separated from the man I believe is the love of my life because of this issue. He shut me out and down emotionally and sexually. I still miss him daily but I couldn't live with that and it wasn't healthy for either of us. I tried but could not get him to see not just what he was doing to me, but what he was doing to himself. It really had nothing to do with me, it was his issues, his pattern of behavior of years standing. It has a lot to do with how they see themselves. What their self talk is, how they see themselves in a relationship.

You are worth more than this but if you don't see that, you won't get it. Only you can decide if this man is worth it. Generally your sexual interaction reflects the attitude and interaction in other areas of the relationship. A man who excludes a woman sexually and who doesn't communicate about sex will probably exclude her in other areas and is probably poor at communicating about other things as well. I had a hard time admitting it in my own relationship but if he was really into you, he'd make an effort. He'd sit up and take notice if he thought you were really unhappy or thinking of leaving.

We are in what should be our prime or approaching it. We are mature women, experienced in life and love. We know what we want and need and we should know better than to settle, compromise yes, but not settle. Seeing people I went to school with, some are jumping out of helicopters to ski untouched slopes, while others look and act like they spend their days in rocking chair and the big excitement in their lives is making a casserole for the church senior social once a month and they aren't even seniors yet! You and I grew up in a time when the messages to and expectations for women were changing. When we were little girls it was, you will get married and be a mommy. In HS, it changed and all at once we were supposed to get an education, bring home the bacon, fry it up in pan...oh and never let him forget he's a man - they forgot to add that we should be treated like we are worth loving. You know what? The old saying was wrong, an old dog can learn new tricks- if he wants to.

You get what not just what you expect but what you are willing to accept. Yes to some degree you have to compromise, to give and take. He isn't giving sexually, he isn't willing to communicate about it, not apparently willing to change, what besides your belief that he is the best you can find, balances that out and makes the relationship worth being in?

[Hopeless Dork]

Do you let your guy know that you want sex with him? Maybe he thinks he is doing you a favor by just tossing off and going on about his day. Do you require your sex to be romantic and passionate every single time? If so maybe he masturbates to orgasm when he doesn't feel like he has the energy for a full blown love making session... he might think he'd rather take care of himself than use your body to get off essentially, maybe he feels that would be disrespectful?

You should talk to him and tell him that 1. You want sex with him, that he feels good to you, the more the better. 2. That you are just as happy with a raw and dirty quickie in the morning or afternoon as you are an hour of long slow sex.

If he knows he doesn't have to spend 20 minutes kissing your neck everytime he wants to orgasm, he might be more likely to indulge in the pleasures you can give rather than his hand.

I am not saying you should sacrafice romantic sex, just saying if you make it clear that it doesn't have to be that way all the time, I'm sure he'd much prefer your body to his hand.

Alot of women make men have to work for sex, they can't just 'put it in' , they have to warm up... and some women can take a long time warming up. A guy that just wants to orgasm and get on with his day, might not feel up to all that stuff and so will choose to masturbate instead.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be treated to a love making session that is all about you, or all about each other, but there is nothing wrong with a quickie thats to get either or the both of you off without all the bells and whistles.

Sometimes I want my boyfriend kissing my breasts, looking into my eyes, going down on me, kissing me, being intimate and connected... sometimes I just want him to 'get it in' But then again I come very quickly and arouse very quickly so maybe thats why I enjoy that more than I've heard some women say they do.

But just talk to him about what you want to feel, how it makes you feel when he does that... and if he is simply doing it for the no-fuss biological release, let him know that you can give him those sometimes too