[pretzel]

It would ne nice to get a male opinion, preferably someone who does likewise...

Ask and yee shall receive. Myself I'm only a couple of years younger than you so in that regard I'm in the same age group. Quite honestly, take WC's post, switch the genders and you're in a somewhat similar position that I'm in in that my wife for whatever reason has lost all interest. My sex drive (actually wrong choice of words, intimacy level) is probably higher now than it's ever been. There is nothing more frustrating than being rejected time and time again.

I still to this day believe this is a temporary thing. But to quote WC "the person with the lower sex drive controls the relationship" is such a true statement. And there is nothing more frustrating than being on the short end of that stick. As for what your husband can do (assuming that he actually WANTS to) is somewhat two fold. The first is a complete check up. He is not that old that he should no longer have a desire for sex but more importantly, a desire for intimacy. The differences are really night and day as far as I'm concerned. With that check-up is testosterone levels. This is a key indicator and is quite easily corrected. Aside from that is the mental aspects. For whatever reasons sometimes we get caught up in our own little worlds that for whatever reason leaves out our interpersonal and emotional states. Whether it be work, money, aging parents, you name it. It's just as big a distraction for us men at times and we sometimes tend to focus solely on these without regard to our partners. Here understanding and compassion goes a long way to helping alleviate these stressors.

Anyway, this is my point of view. I hope you and your husband can regain what so many couples tend to lose at this stage of life.

[slartybartfast]

Hi

I don't quite know why I came across this site, but given that you're after a male's opinion, I thought I'd register and offer it.

I've been in the same situation before and I suspect most men have. Before I start, men must orgasm. Whether it's through sex or masturbation, we have to ejaculate daily or every few days tops or it gets frustrating and uncomfortable.

There are a number of reasons why a man might masturbate in preference to having sex. Probably the most common reason is boredom. There may be something about your relationship that is too every-day or too nothing-new-is-happening, so he sees nothing special about having sex with you.

In my case, I've been in that situation because of lack of sensitivity during sex. I'm 43. When I was younger, I orgasmed quicker than I do now. Now I can have sex for 30 minutes and not ejaculate. The reason is not that I'm not interested, but that there's not enough fiction - perhaps when I was younger I didn't need as much. As a result, I'll finish off by masturbating because I can control the friction.

Sometimes I prefer masturbating because I know I can finish at the time that I chose to finish. If I'm having sex, it'll take much longer. If I'm tired, I know I won't be up for a 40 minute sex session, so masturbation is the answer. If I'm not tired then a 40 minute sex session is great because I know that I'll last long before I orgasm.

It's entirely selfish because we guys know that our partners want to have sex, but when you're working a 40 hour week + you want to watch your favourite TV show + whatever, sex ends up happening when you've become tired, so this in combination with needing more time to orgasm as you get older, is one reason why guys masturbate instead of having sex. I have no idea how old your fella is, but this could be what's happening.

The key for me was for my partner to start having sex with me in positions that put more pressure on my penis. This overcomes the lowering sensitivity and thus the orgasm came quicker and I became more interested in sex over masturbation.

if this isn't the reason for your particular issue, then, as I said, there are a number of reasons for it. I've only told you mine. I hope you guys work it out.

[WildChild]

This is a side note from the thread, not to hijack. Men tend to be fairly 'firm', even rough with themselves compared to vaginal intercourse, when masterbating and that can cause them to be less responsive to other stimulation. That would create the delayed orgasm with intercourse. Oh and healthy women Need to orgasm just as much and as often as men do or We get really frustrated and uncomfortable.

[Sunshine Girl]

Thanks for your response everyone. Don't know if I can answer everyones questions but some very good advise from you all. We are both 54, he took early retirement so neither of us work, we have a very easy life with no money worries, stress etc so having said this we have all day to make love if we so wish. I am the one who does not like the same thing all the time, I like a bit of variety and he is the one who is happy with the same old, same old. It is clear with everything else he does, same pub, same resturant, same routine. He is physically fit, does not smoke although likes a drink in the evenings so night time is not a good oportunity for us, it's always early morning. The thing is it was fine when we first met. When I do talk to him about it he does listen and takes it on board, says he does not mean to upset me, things change for a short while then soon go back to square one. It's mostly me that initiates sex not him.
I have taken on board everything which has been said in this thread and shall have another read through it soon.

I do agree with the person who said he can regulate his own orgasm much more than having penatrive sex can do, when we were having full sex I could have read a copy of "War and Peace" in the time it took him to come....however surely if you speak about it and perhaps finish off with him maturbating there is nothing wrong with that. I guess it goes back to being selfish again...

[Redhead_girl]

guy prefers masturbation

I can only relate to my personal experience that when my boyfriend was pressed for time, or I wasn't around he masturbated instead of having sex with me. Have you asked him if there's a reason for him pleasuring you and pleasuring himself rather than making love? Does he have an issue with only wanting sex when you're both freshly showered? and groomed? Is there anything recently that's he's upset about and he has withdrawn from you as a result?

Have you tried some Dirty Talk about how good it feels when he's making love to you?
Do you pull up on your vagina muscles when he's inside you so that it feels like a tighter, grip around him? This will be a similar feeling to his hand on himself.

It's not unusual for a man to wake up hard and want it right away. He may have gotten into a routine and you could try sex in differant rooms in the house, or go for a walk in the woods , somewhere private and see if he'd like it outdoors! A new way of doing 'it' could be just the ticket! It's worth a try.

[Sunshine Girl]

There is no problem with time because we are both retired, although he is sometimes more intent on taking the dog out than make love to me!! I have asked him why he prefers to pleasure me and himself rather than make love and he tells me his is "so tired" which is as he walks the dog, goes on the exercise bike, plays golf and scuba dives, so I have told him I don't buy it.

There is nothing that he could be upset about, we never argue. He likes it when I talk dirty and when he is quite drunk he is like an animal (completely different)

I have spoken to him about sex in different rooms or different times of the day, he agrees with me and still nothing happens. As for outside, he would never entertain the idea.

The first time I realised he was selfish was when he hurt me once with his long finger nails and I asked him to cut them. He said "I need them long because I play the classical guitar" At the time I was very hurt, however what I should have asked him was wheather it was more important than making love to me!!

[Jimbeau]

when he is quite drunk he is like an animal (completely different)

Perhaps you could encourage him to drink more.

[respectstepmoms]

Absolutely Not! This is not ok and I have also lived this in the past with my ex and its a illness...like addictive personality. My ex and I actually seen a counselor. And no I would not advise you to sell yourself short and allow yourself to feel less than or unattractive or anable to fulfill his needs as far as that go. Because you will eventually start feeling this way when you wake up and he has you there and is looking at porn or something masterbating. I do see people doing this that has noone in there life but I will never understand the concept where men or women would get married and prefer to masterbate instead of pleasing and being please by the one they love and if one party refuces they are just pure selfish and all about themselves. You do deserve better and I would advise you talk to him and try to get him to see someone to fix this otherwise your marriage will fall apart around you mainly not because of him but how it will make you feel inside as a woman

[pretzel]

I agree with respectstepmoms here. There's nothing worse than sex with a drunk.

Something that may be a bit off track but might just enter into a maybe? You're both retired at a very early age. I think a big reason being was that both of you worked your tails off to get to this place. Now there's not much to do aside from little everyday things. He now has the next 30 some odd years ahead of him with little to do. Boredom maybe?

[Sunshine Girl]

I understand what you are saying Pretzel, however this started before we retired and moved out here. Initially I thought it was because his sons were in the house and lovemaking would make too much noise so he resorted to the masturbation.

He would never agree to seeing a counselor. The more I think about it, it's his selfishness. It's all about HIM...I am going swimming (not would you like to) I am doing this and that, without a thought as to what I may or may not be doing that day. I have told him, if I wanted to be on my own I would not have entered into a relationship....