[Allie602]

i have been seeing my partner for a couple of years now. we used to have a very fiery sexual relationship, as do most couples during the first 6 months or so of the relationship! as my partner had never had anal sex with a partner before i felt it would be a nice gesture for me to agree to it even tho i am not a fan of it myself. after indulging his fantasy regularly for some time (12 months or so) i started to lose all enthusiasm for his enjoyment & really started to dread him wanting anal sex. i expressed my concerns to him, explaining that it was putting me off sex altogether with him as i was not enjoying anal sex at all & never actually did & only did it to pleasure him. after months of his persistance it has gotten to the point where i feel physically ill & violated when he attempts it & the sensation revolts me which seems to make my tolerance for the discomfort disappear totally. thankfully he does not attempt it anywhere near as often but still will try occasionally. i try to negotiate & say at least be quick about it but he just bangs away for a good 10 minutes to the point where im almost in tears of frustration & despair! he believes i am on some kind of "power trip" when i deny him anal sex, regardless of whether i enjoy it or not. he believes i used to enjoy it. he doesn't seem to understand when i explain that i never actually enjoyed it, but more enjoyed the fact he had not had it before & liked it which is the reason i participated in the first place. he appears to be anal obsessed, all the porn he looks at is always anal related. i feel i am well within my rights to not participate in a sex act i dont enjoy but he just makes me feel guilty for misleading him into thinking i liked it. i said experimenting is fine but if it turns out its not enjoyable for one person then its not fair to keep doing it to them. basically i am looking for validation and/or input as to how to combat this. do i roll over, grit my teeth & let him have his thrill every now & then or do i stand up for myself & the fact he should care more about my feelings than his penis!

What gave you the idea that just because you try something that you have to continue it if it hurts you? It's called trying, not committing to doing something. He sounds like a nightmare. Think about it, could you have an orgasm knowing that your bf is in pain because of something you are doing? Tell him you want to use a strap on and do his anus and see what he says. Tell him its a fantasy you need for your sexual satisfaction. Order a large dildo and bring it into the bedroom the next time you have sex and tell him "your turn baby". Tell how much you need this. The reaction will tell you everything so why are you accommodating his desire if hew cannot yours?

Do you really think this man loves you or does he see you as a convenient set of holes with no feelings for his use. I don't know how you think that any sensible person would advise you to grin and bear it. Even if you liked it at one time, you don't now and it's your body remember. You decide what happens to it.

This act is not about you it has noting to do with love, it has to do with his using your anus to live out a porn fantasy. Why do you think you need to put up with that. His attitude is not loving, he is damaging you and he does not care and you are letting him!

When you are in diapers he will be on to the next girl. The best way to remedy this is to stop having sex with him. It's an attention getter, if you continue to have sex men think that every thing is ok. When you stop that gets their attention. Tell him if he try's to have anal sex with you the sex is over if he wants to leave then he should go ahead. It will be no great loss. Find someone who cares enough abut you to not take pleasure when you are in pain. That is called using not love.

[rcoreyus]

Allie, I agree with most of what you say, except that I think there are relationships where the abuser is of either gender. I think the idea that only women suffer in abusive situations is as much a myth as the idea that only men don't get enough sex.

In this particular case, I'm a bit slow to call "abuse" because I think she really has the option of leaving. I may be reading the situation incorrectly, and she is feeling trapped - but I didn't get that from the posts.

Whether or not its abuse, the original poster is not enjoying their sexual relationship and I don't think anyone should feel they need to stay in a relationship where that is true.

[Allie602]

Allie, I agree with most of what you say, except that I think there are relationships where the abuser is of either gender. I think the idea that only women suffer in abusive situations is as much a myth as the idea that only men don't get enough sex.

In this particular case, I'm a bit slow to call "abuse" because I think she really has the option of leaving. I may be reading the situation incorrectly, and she is feeling trapped - but I didn't get that from the posts.

Whether or not its abuse, the original poster is not enjoying their sexual relationship and I don't think anyone should feel they need to stay in a relationship where that is true.

Your right R, it's not one sided but if the stats are to be believed, men are overwhelmingly the abusers. I do call this abuse, the abused having the option to leave is not the deciding factor. Paradoxically, they often stay trying to please the abuser who is a master manipulator. She has been so mentally swayed that she thinks she needs permission to protect herself! This is common it's the Stockholm syndrome, people have a tendency to ID with the abuser it a way of dealing with the situation and it paralyzing the abused.

Women have a natural nurturing turn of mind, Without it, they would not sacrifice for children. They take care of people and are apt to stay in a relationship far after they should in an attempt to please the men but at their own expense. Some times when they reach out, they ask for permission, they are really asking for help to get out, remove the mental fog so they can see how wrong their situation is.

I hope this lady gathers the strength to move on and shake her lassitude when she leaves. She will need lots of support to get out and recover. This should never happen to her again. I am coming to the decision that it is better not to try any so call spice with a man, you might be coerced or pestered into doing things you don't like. Some men think that they are entitled to have their penis pleasured no matter what the woman wants.

Hopefully, no wife looking for ways of reawakening her libido because of her new understanding of her husbands need for emotional connection will read it. She libel to shut down predominately

[CHANDLERS WISH]

i have been seeing my partner for a couple of years now. we used to have a very fiery sexual relationship, as do most couples during the first 6 months or so of the relationship! as my partner had never had anal sex with a partner before i felt it would be a nice gesture for me to agree to it even tho i am not a fan of it myself.


It is not at all abnormal to deside to "give" in a relationship, in love, that otherwise you would not have considered, in fact it's the art of giving, and it's okay..

after indulging his fantasy regularly for some time (12 months or so) i started to lose all enthusiasm for his enjoyment & really started to dread him wanting anal sex.


i expressed my concerns to him, explaining that it was putting me off sex altogether with him as i was not enjoying anal sex at all & never actually did & only did it to pleasure him.

after months of his persistance it has gotten to the point where i feel physically ill & violated when he attempts it & the sensation revolts me which seems to make my tolerance for the discomfort disappear totally. thankfully he does not attempt it anywhere near as often but still will try occasionally.

You know that's a good thing that he will only "try" occasionally but some will say you gave so now you've taken it away and it took along time for him to do that, yes, that makes sense but a man in love once you state how you feel, ill, violated will have a heart and stop immediately talk about it with you, compromise maybe but not take months...

i try to negotiate & say at least be quick about it but he just bangs away for a good 10 minutes to the point where im almost in tears of frustration & despair! he believes i am on some kind of "power trip" when i deny him anal sex, regardless of whether i enjoy it or not. he believes i used to enjoy it.

To me, you understood it was hard for him to stop, you tried to negotiate... But banging away, 10 minutes your in tears, he either has no idea about being gentle, caring and loving, or doesn't care...It is almost if not rape... He is using an excuse, mind power himself, what you liked it, now your denying me... What happened in his past relationship? As for he believed you used to enjoy it, if you made noises to try to please him, as you gave away something you never liked to start with, faked it, then off course he will believe.. You need to communicate more and really get that through to him...'

he doesn't seem to understand when i explain that i never actually enjoyed it, but more enjoyed the fact he had not had it before & liked it which is the reason i participated in the first place.

Then you both are not suited, you've explained it, but he sees what? You enjoyed it... even though you have stated no, you did it for love

he appears to anal obsessed, all the porn he looks at is always anal related. i feel i am well within my rights to not participate in a sex act i dont enjoy but he just makes me feel guilty for misleading him into thinking i liked it.

Again, if you did this to please him? Knew he watched porn, saw that they were doing anal, gave in to try to keep him, then you lied if you did not say, " I don't like it, but I will try it for you, I love you".. I think that you felt insecure and didn't tell him you didn't like it and now want to stop it, porn is an evil thing for women, it makes us do things we don't want to... Communication and honesty was the key back then and may be too late now, still he's being very condisending in my opinion, me, me..


i said experimenting is fine but if it turns out its not enjoyable for one person then its not fair to keep doing it to them. basically i am looking for validation and/or input as to how to combat this. do i roll over, grit my teeth & let him have his thrill every now & then or do i stand up for myself & the fact he should care more about my feelings than his penis!

When did you say this after 12 months? You never roll over grit your teeth, you need to tell the truth of why you did this and if he can't accept that, love you for giving, understand and either state this I want in my life, we are not compatible or I accept this sorry you felt you had to because I was watching porn, then there is nothing to work with.

Man I just love how it's always, 'if he doesn't respect you, you should leave.' Why is this always the first thing out of your mouths. What happened to love and commitment? Because they can't work out this ONE thing, she should leave him. WHAT??? Come on!! Is he being selfish and goading her into doing something she doesn't want to do. Yes he is. Is it the end of the world? I really hope not. If you left everyone who didn't respect everything you did, it would be a lonely place. I don't think she is logging on and asking if she should leave her man. Yes, in this regard, he is being a butt. But I hope there is more to this relationship. If she didn't care for the guy, she would have already booted him.

What happened is she loved, committed, did something without giving the boundries, reason for doing it, and allowed it to continue gritting her teeth until she blamed him, instead of being straight forward at the beginning.. Isn't is okay to be wrong? To do things out of love? Committment? And, try to discuss but get it all wrong, can't explain, and regret that decision based on love and commitment because she has discussed it but he is dismissing it as well you lied.

Maybe...

But, it's not ok, it never was, it was done from in-security and he's not listening...

Or maybe now he is..

CW

[Casey715]

No ladyluck1 YOU have done nothing wrong. You were trying to do something different to make him happy. You didn't realize he would get hooked on it and want it all the time. This is not your fault. However, your m8 taking a liking to it is not wrong or his fault either. It IS his fault for not understanding you. Ladyluck1, you need to do what makes you happy.

[Casey715]

What happened is she loved, committed, did something without giving the boundries, reason for doing it, and allowed it to continue gritting her teeth until she blamed him, instead of being straight forward at the beginning.. Isn't is okay to be wrong? To do things out of love? Commitment? And, try to discuss but get it all wrong, can't explain, and regret that decision based on love and commitment because she has discussed it but he is dismissing it as well you lied.

Maybe...

But, it's not ok, it never was, it was done from in-security and he's not listening...

Or maybe now he is..

CW

Absolutely it is OK to be wrong. That is what makes life so fun. And yes, keep doing things out of love. And if it goes wrong, try and fix it. And regardless of why she is stopping it, it is her choice.
I'm not saying, "Commitment and Love" meaning, do what your m8 says regardless of how you feel. I was saying, commitment and love, these will encourage you to work on your relationship, not just give up.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Casey

Firstly you are entitled to your own opinion and to share that, that is what a Forum is for....

I would like to remind member's the same, or I will edit your posts.

I do agree, that in my experience here, that some "people" do simply give their opinion, with advice of "leave him" and I do agree that what is lacking, missing so much in relationships is communication and to have that I think, you have to have love and commitment both sides, not one..

This is where the problem in my opinion, starts it always seems that one person does and one person doesn't, there is no compromise, however, I agree with you that you don't give up until you have given 100%, tried every angle, to compromise and be heard...

I agree with you, although the way you originally wrote it would/could call for someone to get a tad defensive as you were referring to "women" in general and on this site I believe

[CandyCloud]

If you decide that you want to stay with him, to answer your question, I wouldn’t give him one bit of your bottom - not once, ever again. But if I were you, I would kick that poor S.O.B out of my life so fast he wouldn’t have time to pull his pants up. His behavior is despicable - no real man does that to a woman he respects. He sounds selfish and immature. Stand up for yourself, girl! You’re not his slave!

[Some Other Guy]

I'm always mystified by threads like these. Is there really such a shortage of decent guys out there? There appears to be some odd bit of instinct that causes some women to choose and stay with dreadful behaving men.

[rcoreyus]

There is no lack of good men, or good women out there. Maybe they just have problems finding each other, but more likely the ones that do aren't posting here.