[Hopeless Dork]

Originally Posted by WFO
but then when kids came along she really blimped up and never got control of herself, although even before then she was hefty, but wouldn't acknowledge it.

Using terms like this probably doesn't help anyone feel good about themselves!

Thats exactly what I mean... if you are speaking like that to us 'blimped up' etc.. you may not be aware that she is aware you think that way about her... and you can't honestly expect her to want to put on some visual show for you when she thinks you find her unnattractive. You can't have it both ways... you can't make your woman feel unworthy then expect her to perform for you. Emotions are interconnected with sex for most women... and if she feels you find her 'blimpy'... why in the world would she want to show off her body to you?

[mommies3]

Amen i totally agree with you hopeless dork.
I am a tad overweight and mt husband has never said i was blimpy or needed to lose weight. He has always told me i am beautiful, which in turn makes me feel comfortable doing things for him.
Support your wife with her weight loss and even help her. You might even make yourself feel better. Emotions are a big part of sex and you need to offer more emotional support. Her friends are not helping her, maybe she needs to find different friends. It might only take a few changes from you for her to see that you believe she is beautiful and you love her. Put forth the extra effort to make her feel more comfortable in her skin.

[Texasred]

I gotta ask you this... 21 years and you are just fed up with this now? I think acting like you were accepting of the missionary lights out sex for 21 years... you have helped contribute to the situation.

You have to examine your own attitudes here.. I say this because instead of saying, wow she lost 40 pounds, good for her... you are thinking uh huh thats nice... lose another 30 then get back to me. If you at all give off the vibe you just stated to her... that may very well be WHY she doesn't want lights on sex, and likely prefers missionary since it hides her body the most.

It sounds like she is insecure, and I'm not saying thats your fault... but you have to maybe examine... at least if you truly want to make things better.. if you are contributing to her low self-esteem. Do you make her feel beautiful? Sexy? Women tend to be more vixens when they feel like the man in their life desires them, wants them.

I love lights on sex with my guy because he constantly reinforces how hot he thinks my body is, how sexy I look when we make love... and when we do his eyes are always on my face or my body or the penetration and I feel sexy, wanted desired... and it just makes me want to give him 'visuals' because I feel like they are trully appreciated.


You are probably going to take this as i am saying its your fault, but I am not... I am offering some advice if you do want to work this out... if you are just simply here to vent how fed up you are so ppl could say leave leave leave and you get the validation you need for that thought.. then just ignore what I am saying.

But if you actually want things to improve... I'd suggest not in anyway acting like you dissaprove of her body , but instead letting her know how sexy you think it is. It might not fix everything, but it might help some.

X2
Can't think of a thing I'd say different.
Except maybe when she pointed a kitchen knife at you: I'd tell not EVER to do that again if she wanted to see me around.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Okay, OP, so you got a little grilling there for making statements that would possibly more than likely hurt your wife, if you've said it here you've communicated it somewhat to her as well...

She has lost a good amount of weight, but is holding of and your wondering why...

You state her friends are all over weight as well, but that she was always overweight but a bit more now, you must have loved her for who she was, and continued to otherwise you wouldn't still be with her 21 years later.

Certainly your frustrated at present hense starting this thread.

Here's the deal..

If a man wants from a women, then he has to make her feel loved, desireable and loved...

The more you love a woman the more she will give back to you...

Simply put...

Re-read what you have written, we understand your frustration but re-read it and ask yourself, do I show my wife she's beautiful? Always, and not for sex, just because? Do I make her feel loved?

Because that's your answer.

CW

[JonDoe]

I'm going on 20 years of marriage, and the last 6 years would be clinically classified as sexless (i.e. less than 10 times per year; only 3 times in 2010). The first twelve years my wife refused to give or receive oral sex, and there was basically two positions to sex, missionary or her on top. I definitely wanted more, but there was no talking about sex, she outright refused to discuss it in any way, before, during or after. One day, I finally said "I have tried many times to give you oral pleasure, and this is the last time I will ask. Why not simply try it, and if you don't like it, then I promise you I will never ask again." From that day forward, we never had sex without me orally pleasuring her first. However, she still refuses to reciprocate, which is such a selfish act on her part, as is the case in many other areas of our marriage. That day seemed like a step forward, but it has come to be a day I regret because we went from sex twice per month to sex once per month to sex once every 3-4 months, which is a living for me. She has become bitter forwards me because I am grumpy. Well, duh! What man wouldn't be grumpy in my situation, a man in his mid-forties that has routinely been deprived of intimacy. Logically, I should have left this marriage long before we had children, but I truly loved her. Now I find myself questioning whether I love her or not.

[jns]

JD, how did it start? Was sex plentiful during the beginning of the marriage? Was there premarital sex?

[ALPHA ITALIAN]

OK. Bros..Lets stop all the whining over all the sex you don't get!I have been married for over 24 years.My wife and I make love daily.My wife is a bigger gal and she has been so since we met.I love every single molecule of her mind,body and soul.I tell her every day.I touch her,kiss her,hold her and even put my hand on her butt in line an the moves.I am a very old school Italian man with traditional values.some say Victorian.For me?Watching her reaction to what I am doing to her in bed is more arousing then the best oral.I believe that men were put to provide for every one of our wife needs in and out of the bedroom!I garrentee each and every one of you guys' the lack of loving is because you think more of you then her.Just like all the women here have been saying.Make her feel that for you the sun rises and sets on her!And the rewards will make even Casanova frown.Look.This isn't meant to be a scolding, but a bit of advise.For us guys all we need is a little show and we are rearing to go.Gals need tenderness, passion,patience(you know what I mean) support and a strong emotional connection to let go in bed.Its up to us! All we need do is sincerely make her feel we love her just the way she is.Yeah I can hear it already.He must whipped!So if giving my the ride of her life(sorry ladies)every time we go to bed Makes me a puss?Then so be it!BTW.That would be a six foot 260 Italian puss.Wake up guys!

[JonDoe]

JD, how did it start? Was sex plentiful during the beginning of the marriage? Was there premarital sex?

We had sex on our first date, which she initiated. While we were dating we had sex every time we were together. She would occassionally wake me to have sex. It wasn't the best sex, but we were falling in love and I figured it would get better. However, once we got engaged and moved in together, things started to change. I even questioned whether we should get married because I was concerned by the decline in intimacy, but friends assured me this was natural in a relationship when planning a wedding. However I should have listened to my gut, and called it off.

We had sex the night of our wedding, and only once on our honeymoon vacation. Here we are together on a tropical island, not a care in the world, relaxing, having fun, and yet sexual rejection was the common theme. Again, I should have sought counseling immediately, but thought we could work it out.

Fast forward twenty years, now we are in our mid-forties with have two children, but on the verge of divorce. Discussing sex with my wife has never worked either. She usually responds with "Here we go again!" or "I just want to watch TV" or "It's loo late , I'm going to bed in an hour", mind you she goes to bed around 9:30. If I try to talk to her in the morning, she will say "I haven't had my cup of coffee yet" or "Can't we talk about this tonight". We tried counseling, and the counselor said our biggest problems were lack of intimacy and communication. My wife promised to be more intimate, but that has been an empty promise made many times over the years.

I'm older and wiser now can tell you from experience that lack of intimacy will destroy a marriage as will lack of communication and respect.

[tinycit]

This is not going to resolve itself without counseling and lots of it. It's way beyond what two people can possibly cope with on their own. Even then, it's still not going to resolve unless BOTH of you are motivated to change. Sure, she may have further to go than you do, but don't kid yourself into thinking you don't have any problems of your own to deal with. You do. So get help, even if she won't go, you should do it yourself for yourself if no one else.

Also, I didn't see it, but did anyone ask the OP if maybe HE was a little "blimped" out himself? Hey OP, if your tummy is not washboard tight, it wouldn't hurt to start walking a few miles a day. It may or may not help your tummy, but it'll sure help clear your mind.

[rcoreyus]

Sadly, lots of people are in relationships where their sex life is poor or almost non-existent. That doesn't make it better, just letting you know that others are suffering the same way. Her hostility sounds bad as well - do you think she really was implying a threat with the knife? (other readers - reverse the genders in your mind and how would you advise.....).

What is good about this relationship?