[liminal]

Please please help me. I am utterly clueless on this. My sisters friends when I was growing up would always complain bitterly about guys "hitting on"

I don't want to come off as disrespectful toward women but at the same time I don't want miss out on something good just because of incorrectly based fears of offending someone.

Somebody told me that women don't get offended when you "hit on" them per se but when you aren't valuing them for their true worth. Well how do women know when you aren't valuing them for their true worth?

Is it inherently disrespectful to imply that you want to have sex with a women but not necessarily in a relationship?

Or is it that some women get deeply offended when they get hit on but others are flattered?

I am so confused! Please explain thus to me so that I know what's going on. I am bot even sure what the expression means.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sweet, hitting on is flirting in my thoughts, finding you attractive, being suggestive, letting it be known.

Yet respecting you is , telling you, you are attractive but also a laugh, and great at conversation, in other words, they can see more than just " in the bedroom"..

It is not disrespectful to put forward you find someone attractive and want to sleep with her, but understand if that is not on her cards, it's still flattering....

It's her choice to do so or say no, I want something more, but thanks anyway.

CW

[liminal]

That is good to know. Do most men know that? It wasnt something I was taught.

Ok, then another question I have is if you express a desire to sleep with somebody but not necessarily in a relationship will she take it to mean that I am not really looking for anything more? Like do I have to come across as either a relationship guy or a sexually motivated guy but not both?

Sweet, hitting on is flirting in my thoughts, finding you attractive, being suggestive, letting it be known.

Yet respecting you is , telling you, you are attractive but also a laugh, and great at conversation, in other words, they can see more than just " in the bedroom"..

It is not disrespectful to put forward you find someone attractive and want to sleep with her, but understand if that is not on her cards, it's still flattering....

It's her choice to do so or say no, I want something more, but thanks anyway.

CW

[liminal]

Another question I mean to ask. What about hitting on a coworker. I am afraid if I hit on a coworker that she will take it as "unwanted" and I could get into trouble under sexual harassment laws.

[Caregirl]

It may be different depending on where you're from I guess, but I always considered "Hitting on" to be quite a forceful term, pertaining to a man being attracted to a woman in a purely sexual way and, at least at first, only being interested in sex... When a man says "I'd hit that" in a suggestive tone I believe it means he wants to sleep with that woman, not have a relationship with her. I always connected the two terms tbh

Flirting, imo, is more innocent, more gentle. Subtle hints that there's an attraction that's not necessarily based entirely on sexual desire.

To that end if you're interested in a co-worker "hitting on" her may get you into trouble; the ex-chef where I work used to make regular comments on how nice my 'behind' was and made my work day pretty unpleasant. I consider that "hitting on".

This is just my opinion however and there may be women out there who like that sort of obvious attention

[liminal]

The term is forceful. I agree and that's why I always assumed that indicating a desire to sleep with someone without an active and assumed interest in a relationship was considered typical male bufferoonery an piggisheshness.

I dont understand the whole "I'd hit that" mentality that asserts a masculine idea of manipulation and dominance into sex. You can want sex because it's fun or affectionate.

But are you saying that you would be offended by a person who wants to have sex with you and let's you know it?

The guy who talks about your butt doesn't sound like he's hitting on you. He sounds like a jerk.

[WildChild]

I think you hit the nail on the head that "hitting on" someone is more forceful than simple flirting and different people have widely different ideas about what this is.

I was with some friends for a birthday recently at a bar that had a band and dancing. There was a guy who was asking woman after woman to dance. He wasn't rude or pushy about it, he danced with a variety of women, I didn't see that he was doing anything but dancing and having a good time. But one woman in our party was making derisive remarks about him. I kind of got a chuckle out of it because she has a tendency to play the field pretty freely and while this guy danced with several women out of the large mixed group we were part of, he didn't ask her. I thought it was more sour grapes than anything else.

You are right that there is a line, sometimes fine, between flirting and being a jerk.
Do be careful with work place situations. Once upon a time flirting at work was a lot of fun but unfortuantely there are jerks of both genders who took the fun out of it and turned it into a legal situation. You need to do some observing, get a feel for a woman before you test those waters. If you are one to give compliments to people around you and maybe put a little flirty twist on it, it may be better received than if you target just one woman (unless you are interested in something serious there). The man I'm seeing is a "honey", "darlin" type, he says it to all women and he gets away with it because there is nothing condesending in him. Other men might get their head taken off for it - attitude counts.

[liminal]

Well if "hitting on" is considered forceful then maybe I am asking the wrong question. I guess my concern is whether or not and when it's appropriate to ask for sex. I have little concept of how that is done appropriately as opposed to offensively.

One person says that it will be regarded by women as flattering and that makes sense to me.

[WildChild]

In general you don't walk up to someone and say, "want to have sex?" Although within the sex positive community at some events that is entirely acceptable. I have the feeling you aren't talking about that group. You need establish a connection and some rapport, there is usually a time when you both know that is where you are going. Sometimes that is the moment you meet. But you still need to establish a connection and some rapport.

What are you looking for? Just sex? Or a relationship? If you want just sex and aren't too picky, you can meet someone and be going at it in a matter of minutes or hours. If you want a relationship you need to get to know each other and build up to it.

[Guest]

A man's perspective...

Flirting - is the most gentle/innocent of what has been discussed above. It can be as little as a facial expression or can involve words and/or light conversation. You can flirt with several at one time. You can be referred to as a "flirt", etc.

Hitting On - is a little more aggressive and generally towards one female. She has caught your eye/interest and you are focused on her through your facial expressions, body language and comments/conversation. It's a bit more of a challenge to "Hit On" more than one woman at a time and I've never heard of a male/female being referred to as a "Hit On'. There are those, generally women, who go to clubs with the hope/intent of getting "hit on".

Hit That or Tap That - Is a general reference to who you find attractive enough to sleep with.... If you are among a group of male friends, you might say "I'd Hit That" or "I'd Tap That" in a heartbeat. Translation: You have found someone you think is attractive and if given the chance, you would sleep with them in a heartbeat. This is also, by far, the most derogatory of the three (IMO) towards women.

You think asking a woman for sex is flattering? Then being slapped across the face must be the ultimate turn on for you. By doing so, you are suggesting to the woman upfront that all you want her for is sex. So she is nothing more than an "object". I don't know of a single woman in here that wants to be treated as an object and not a person.

I do have friends who are in "sex only" relationships a/k/a "bootie calls" but none of them started off with someone approaching them in a club and saying "I find you to be very attractive, can I interest you in a sex only relationship?" or "Hey baby, how about you and me hooking up for sex?"

If you do, be prepared to duck, wear drinks home and/or offend alot of women.