[waya]

Sex drives are all over the place. Yours may be high or it may just be because you've never had those fantasies fulfilled you want it even more. I don't know what other women expect from a man's sex drive but I've learned not to have expectations. As for the outsider thing, find other outsiders. They will be more inclined to want to understand you.

[ItsASecret]

I am so confused I am not even sure how badly I should want sex.

There is no set amount of 'how badly' you should want sex. It differs from person to person. Some are not interested at all even without having sex before, and some cannot stop thinking about it. It is all individual.

All I have are vividly intense fantasies combined with a kind of urge to fulfill those fantasies. But I've never had them fulfilled.

You are likely never going to fulfill all of your fantasies. That is why they are fantasies, some may be better to think about rather than actually go through with. That is what will keep your excitement up, because not everything needs to be fulfilled.

So in a way I am confused about how badly as a guy I should even want sex.

Just because you have never had sex before does not mean you should not fantasize or think about sex. It is natural to think about things that have not yet happened.

And I am confused about how much women expect me to want sex not having had experience.

Do not think of it as expecting women to think of anything in a particular way. Again it is all individual. Some women will like that you have no experience because they may love the idea of exploring sex with you, some will honestly not be interested in teaching someone. Women just like men already know that everyone thinks about sex. How much sex they think about varies but everyone does think about sex to some degree.

[liminal]

Like I don't feel like people are going to sympathize with my sexual needs because nobody has ever sympathizes with my loneliness or being alienated from others.

But I feel like people regard me with a kind of demeaning pity as someone who is probably desperatly in need of action.

And that feeling that I in a situation that should be pitied motivates me to want to achieve sex all. The more because I feel like people are thinking "he needs to get laid, sucks to be him."

And that at the same time makes me want to hide away from people and feel ultra sensitive to bring regarded as a creep for trying to get into somebodies pants because it makes me wander if my needs are being considered and valued if that happens.

So what's the real truth?

Can you understand what I am saying?

[liminal]

I really feel like my sexuality has been invalidated in a lot of ways by society.

Four sources of this. 1. Guys talking about scoring in ways that are derisive toward women.
2. Women talking about men trying to get onto their pants in a derisive way.3. Feeling like society does not respect my need to not be celibate because of 1 and 2. and 4. Being taught that women aren't interested in sex and while they will fend themselves off from horny men they themselves aren't wanting sex.

I honestly feel like somebody telling me that because I've hit on a woman that I deserve a slap in the face makes me feel pretty upset. Like I've already been slapped just at the mere thought of picking somebody. That's not fair thats not really respecting my needs is it? It just seems demeaning.

[oxy-moron]

Aspergers
"They are most comfortable when they are in control of their world and will seek to master every last detail of a ’system’ because this provides predictability. There are rules and laws which govern how a system behaves, unlike people whose behaviour is totally mystifying. In those professions where attention to detail is everything, people with Asperger’s can thrive. They flourish in professions like physics, engineering and maths, where their social skills are less important. Isaac Newton, Nobel prize-winning physicist Paul Dirac and Albert Einstein are all examples of supremely successful scientists who probably all had Asperger’s syndrome."
You are in good company- However

In the mating game you cannot know all of the rules. You are putting too much effort into establishing a ruleset to work by.

All men desire to have a life partner to face the world with. Some may play the caveman- "me hunt woman" role for a while- but most eventually grow up. Some stay single but only to protect their emotional vulnerability.

Woman will telegraph their emotions and desires with body language. A prolonged look will be an invitation to make contact- if you have received the look as it were then nearly any opening gambit will work. No look and your probably wasting your time.
A glance at your mouth when talking is a good sign- a glance at your forehead a bad sign. Licking lips a good sign - pursing lips a bad sign.
With Aspergers you are possibly missing these clues.

Do not worry about sex but rather find a woman who you feel comfortable with and concentrate on forming a bond. Take a course on reading body language. In the early part of the relationship let them do the talking- Do not make verbal observations about them.

Good luck

[liminal]

Do not worry about sex but rather find a woman who you feel comfortable with and concentrate on forming a bond. Take a course on reading body language. In the early part of the relationship let them do the talking- Do not make verbal observations about them.

Okay that whole quote you were giving is part of why I don't want to tell people I may have aspergers. I don't like being pigion holed. I have intuition and everything else much more than the average person actually.

What I seriously don't have is a felling of trust that others are looking out for my interests and people of a certain temperament can get defensively ultra logical.

Also my need for a clarity has to do with feeling of fear and rejection.


Now as to the emphasis on "bond" first before sex. I believe that this is exactly the kind of guidance I am looking for.

People tell me things like that....but they don't always consider that I might not trust that they have my interests in mind and are seeing things from my perspective.

Look just add an example when I was growing up my mom had me go out on a fishing trip for the summer with my uncle so I could get a mans perspective and influence.

Well my uncle would growl in my face. ", you have no idea how great it feels!" as intensely as he could.

My mom had other guys who mentored me about life according to her approval and they weren't much different from my uncle on the topic of sex.

Those experiences left a powerful impression on me. If the way women talk about men as sex obsessed bozos is simply a cliche I never got that message.

So that is part of why I don't instinctively trust you. The other part is I have never felt that people cared enough about me to see that I was more than just shy or some loner who didn't deserve attention or friends. That leaves me feeling like you don't care about me from my perspective.

So when you talk about forming bonds first I can't help to think "easy for you to say" You can find bonds easily! It's no problem for you. But you don't want to consider how it is from my perspective. Its just not the same when your not somebody who can find a new date every week. (as one poster recommended that I do)

But then I might overhear a group of women talking about how unbearable it is to without sex for a long time. And then I think yep it's about forming "bonds" first but I think there is obviously more and people just don't want to tell me the truth.

But I know I am wrong. I know it's just my fears and the rejection I've faces from society and my ability to trust other people has been greatly diminished.

I hope that I have communicated what I wanted to say effectively and that you will read this thoughtfully.

[WildChild]

People's feeling differ at different times. You might want ice cream right now, but after you've had a couple of dishes of it for a couple days you might lose your taste for it for a while. Then if someone asked if you wanted ice cream you might reply that you are tired of it. That doesn't mean you will never want it again.

Most healthy women love sex and want it, just as much as men do. Women get frustrated with men who approach them making it very obvious that sex is their primary interest in them. Most women. most of the time want to feel that the man is interested in them and not just their body parts. This could be likened to your wanting to feel that people have your best interests at heart. Well some people really don't have other people's best interests at heart, some people just don't care and other people are neutral while still others do care very much. That's just how life is.

People here in general are caring. We come here to share some of life's experiences and because we do care about helping others. But there is only so much we can do on a forum. We can offer our perspectives and stories but that's about all. Its up to the reader to sift through what may be useful to them. I think you would have a lot to offer in a relationship. But remember that it is important to show the other person that you care about them and aren't just interested in how much they care about you. It has to be mutual.

[Hopeless Dork]

I am not sure what you mean by not being able to trust whether or not someone has your best interests in mind... thats not a feeling that is unique to you -- everyone feels that way when meeting people. Its part of the gamble of attempting to go out there and connect... it could fail, you could be rejected, you could think you have everything and fall flat on your face. We can hide in our rooms and never get rejected, never experience heartache, but also never exerpeience companionship, sex, love, life.

If you are looking for even a remotely sure way that you won't experience rejection, embarassment, that you can know for sure someone will have your best interests in mind... will understand exactly what you mean without work and communication and learning you... there isn't one.

People are going to look out for their own interests first, thats a given... there are people that won't look out for anyone elses interests EVER... selfish people, unfortunately the world is filled with them. There aer some amazing people in the world that will get you, understand you , be into you... thats why there is this natural drive to couple off when you find that one. Because chances of forming those kinds of connections are rare and not to be taken for granted.

But you aren't going to have a safety net... if sex is what your goal is for this time... dating and meeting women and hoping you connect with someone that is also interested in sex and no real commitments is your best bet. No gaurentees, no net... you live and you learn and you experience life that way.

[liminal]

Most healthy women love sex and want it, just as much as men do. Women get frustrated with men who approach them making it very obvious that sex is their primary interest in them. Most women. most of the time want to feel that the man is interested in them and not just their body parts. This could be likened to your wanting to feel that people have your best interests at heart. Well some people really don't have other people's best interests at heart, some people just don't care and other people are neutral while still others do care very much. That's just how life is.

But I want women to see me as an individual with a life perspective that is a LOT different from somebody who can date 50 women a year. In that situation you can spread your desires out much more naturally.

For me every single new women I meet symbolizes all my desires all at once but since the sexual desires are more immediately imaginable and applicable they obviously come out to the fore.

In other words I want women to see me for me in my situation so that they aren't feeling distrust toward me but they are feeling sympathy.

You can't over simplify the whole body thing because after all the body is a beautiful thing.

I want her to care enough to see that just because I want sex that doesn't mean I don't care for her or respect her in return it just means that I HOPE that the feelings are reciprocated.

And while people may think that they are looking at things from other peoples perspectives often they don't really.

I am still feeling distrust that people do Not consider my perspective and I think that distrust makes it hard to make sense of the advice peoples give.

But I am learning to get over that. But I need help doing that in what often seems like a very cold and impersonal world.

[liminal]

I am not sure what you mean by not being able to trust whether or not someone has your best interests in mind... thats not a feeling that is unique to you -- everyone feels that way when meeting people. Its part of the gamble of attempting to go out there and connect... it could fail, you could be rejected, you could think you have everything and fall flat on your face. We can hide in our rooms and never get rejected, never experience heartache, but also never exerpeience companionship, sex, love, life.

I mean people who are saying they are helping me but don't consider my fullsituation or perspective. Not talking about fear of rejection.