[liminal]

That is exactly what you should say then, and see what she has to say in return...

Yes and there are a lot of subtleties though. And isn't that what all the guys say?

The problem is that I ask all these questions and you guys don't necessarily know why I am asking these questions.

I was tryin to get closer to the heart of things with that previous long post. It doesn't look like anyone understood it because I was announcing a resolution toward my uncertainties and confusions but instead of confirming the insights in my post I am getting a scattered reaction.

And that scattered reaction is dwindling my hope that I finally get it.

The post is not analytical. Gosh maybe you should toke up before reading, it I don't know, read it slowly at a conversational pace.

[liminal]

The previous post I mentioned in the above post.

Okay that whole quote you were giving is part of why I don't want to tell people I may have aspergers. I don't like being pigion holed. I have intuition and everything else much more than the average person actually.

What I seriously don't have is a felling of trust that others are looking out for my interests and people of a certain temperament can get defensively ultra logical.

Also my need for a clarity has to do with feeling of fear and rejection.


Now as to the emphasis on "bond" first before sex. I believe that this is exactly the kind of guidance I am looking for.

People tell me things like that....but they don't always consider that I might not trust that they have my interests in mind and are seeing things from my perspective.

Look just add an example when I was growing up my mom had me go out on a fishing trip for the summer with my uncle so I could get a mans perspective and influence.

Well my uncle would growl in my face. ", you have no idea how great it feels!" as intensely as he could.

My mom had other guys who mentored me about life according to her approval and they weren't much different from my uncle on the topic of sex.

Those experiences left a powerful impression on me. If the way women talk about men as sex obsessed bozos is simply a cliche I never got that message.

So that is part of why I don't instinctively trust you. The other part is I have never felt that people cared enough about me to see that I was more than just shy or some loner who didn't deserve attention or friends. That leaves me feeling like you don't care about me from my perspective.

So when you talk about forming bonds first I can't help to think "easy for you to say" You can find bonds easily! It's no problem for you. But you don't want to consider how it is from my perspective. Its just not the same when your not somebody who can find a new date every week. (as one poster recommended that I do)

But then I might overhear a group of women talking about how unbearable it is to without sex for a long time. And then I think yep it's about forming "bonds" first but I think there is obviously more and people just don't want to tell me the truth.

But I know I am wrong. I know it's just my fears and the rejection I've faces from society and my ability to trust other people has been greatly diminished.

I hope that I have communicated what I wanted to say effectively and that you will read this thoughtfully.

[liminal]

Is that sarcasm? Thanks. I just mean that people are taking me ultra literally and not considering the weight of things, the sense of significance applied to different perceptions I express, and the greater context. I was kidding about toking up of course.

Right then... good luck to you

Chelsy

[liminal]

Look my desire for sex Is NEVER a desire to disrespect a woman treat her like a hole in a. mattress. Can't a woman bother to consider my situation before she decides to look at me as just another guy who is trying to get into her pants.

I respect others and others should respect me.

But it sounds to me like woman don't want to sympathize with my needs they just want to dismiss me as just another typical guy with no feeling who shouldn't be given a second glance. And that's not fair!

Do you gave any idea of what it is like to go for literally years without talking to a single real life soul just because you have aspergers?

Do you have any idea what it's like?! Do you know what it's like to be called a loner by people who deliberately choose not to befriend you since your different?

Do you know why it's like to have your heart slowly eaten away by loneliness that gnaws at you whole nobody rushes to your aid like the heartless people they are in this heartless world?!

If you can just try try try try very hard to understand that.

Then you will have some idea how it feels to have a need such as sex or any other need which is important (at least to me) and to have somebody who doesn't have the heart to empathize with my sexual frustration twist that heartlessness around back toward me and say I am the one who is being heartless!

Then you will see how confusing it is and then you will know what I mean when I say it is hard to trust and make sense of things.

Please listen. Please show me you have a heart so I can make sense of these things.


I don't know if I am getting through. Communicating well enough. Sometimes I feel like I could just as well be talking to a wall.

[Guest]

Just to clarify my point of view. I do not believe that most men are looking for no-strings attached sex. A small minority may be, but I think they are obvious to a woman. My advice: don't go to bed with a man on a first date, or for several dates. Then you'll see if he's only interested in getting inside your panties. If he likes you a lot, and fancies you, you will get a lot of dates out of him and he'll be patient about having sex with you.

[liminal]

Well can yo clarify what you mean by NSA sex? Honestly J think it's a term people use for a degree of sexual casualness one step below what they approve of. I don't know why several dates is all that takes to screen a guy for non sexually intersted guys. I read about a guy who only dates two times and then stops if there is no sex. I don't know how he does that though.

Just to clarify my point of view. I do not believe that most men are looking for no-strings attached sex. A small minority may be, but I think they are obvious to a woman. My advice: don't go to bed with a man on a frist date, or for several dates. Then you'll see if he's only interested in getting inside your panties. If he likes you a lot, and fancies you, you will get a lot of dates out of him and he'll be patient about having sex with his lady.

[ItsASecret]

I read about a guy who only dates two times and then stops if there is no sex. I don't know how he does that though.

This is exactly what the women here have been trying to explain to you. There are men who will EXPECT a woman to put out asap. Those men EXPECT a woman to always be willing to drop their pants. Those men are labeled 'dogs', 'players', 'users'....they do not want to know the woman they just want to stick their penis in her. You do not have to act like that just because you read it someplace else. You do not need to understand him, just know that you are not that type of guy and move on from that type of description.

Can't a woman bother to consider my situation before she decides to look at me as just another guy who is trying to get into her pants.

You are horny, you have fantasies, you are drooling at what you wish you could have, we women get that. We know that guys like the idea of sex, and that they want to have sex. We women also like and think about the same thing. It is not some unheard of mystery that if you go on a date that the guy will at some point think to himself "man I want to have sex right now". Your situation is no different than anyone elses, we all have some fear of meeting someone new on a date. That is common it is going to happen. There is going to be a sense of nervousness in any date any meeting with someone that you have not met before. It is not going to be perfect, no woman is going to expect you to act a certain way. She will merely talk to you and see how you act and from there just like anyone else will make a decision from there. If the first words out of your mouth are "you are attractive I'm not going to lie I want to have sex with you" she can automatically going to think "jeez why not get to know me first". If your opening comments involve that you want sex, need sex, think about sex, have these fantasies she is very likely just going to move on. You need to be patient in any relationship.

But it sounds to me like woman don't want to sympathize with my needs they just want to dismiss me as just another typical guy with no feeling who shouldn't be given a second glance. And that's not fair!

You are saying because you are horny you want sex and no woman is giving you that you find it unfair. There are men with Aspergers who have gotten married, who do date, who do have sex. It is not going to be non-existent simply because you have Aspergers. No woman is going to walk up to you and say "I understand you have trouble with being social here lets have sex". No one (aside from a hooker lol). You will need to overcome your anxiety with talking to people and just give it a shot. You will not be able to even learn things if you do not give a simple date a shot. You want to meet girls, you want them to have a good time, you want them to like you. All of that is perfect and a great start because it shows that you are not the type saying hello only because your looking to get laid.

I have depression and social anxiety, I do not just 'meet people'. I know what it is like to be ignored continuously, to be in the background of it all. I do not like talking to people but I will tell myself to just do it anyway when I know the alternative is to have no one to talk to. Granted I do not have any friends but I will not just stop talking to people if I have the chance. Life is not going to be easy, nor is it going to be forgiving, life is harsh. You need to at the very least get out and talk to people. If you are in school it helps a lot because school situations are a good place to start with the "small talk". Nothing is just going to fall into your lap.

[liminal]

You are saying because you are horny you want sex and no woman is giving you that you find it unfair.

No not per se unfair. I am NOT saying a girl OUGHT to sleep with me. I am saying that if I am more desperate to get laid with her she can totally dig why I would be that way.

Don't you think based on my situation that one would expect that?

If I am wrong tell me that I am wrong. Please. Please.

I just need to know and understand that so I know how I might be treated is fair.

So far I don't even know for certain if I will be understood or not even if I did explain those feelings of desperation.

I feel desperate because I think that's how other people would feel in the same situation but honestly I am confused about what I want.

I tend to think of sex as a kind of play activity which is about closeness and intimacy but you know I honestly have fantasies where I dont know the person and yet I don't think of that as just focusing on the body as opposed to the person ,I just think of that it is possible for a dynamic kind of closeness with someone you dont have a lot of background with.

[ItsASecret]

I am saying that if I am more desperate to get laid with her she can totally dig why I would be that way.

There are plenty of guys who are "desperate to get laid" because they want to get laid and they simply will not get laid because they say the wrong things, never go out, never talk to anyone etc etc etc. Wanting something does not mean you will get something. There are a lot of guys that try try try and try again but never manage to score with a woman for whatever reason, that does not mean a woman should just say "oh jeez your having a tough time I understand so I will bend over for you". A woman may listen to you, totally see where you are coming from, understand your situation and concerns but still not want to have sex just because you have an urge to. It still requires her being comfortable with you enough, as in getting to know you, before she makes the leap into the bedroom.

If a woman is worth the time she will understand you, she will sit down and just let you talk, let you be open and honest. You do not need to parade your thoughts of wanting to play out a fantasy or how much you really really want to have sex in order for her to understand you. Simply do not sit her down so that you can explain how badly you want her in bed, how much you have been thinking about sex, let her know about YOU and not your horniness. If you open right up about your mass fantasies and urge to get her in bed or simply have sex in general then that can be an immediate turn off because again it will be about sex and not getting to know her. Remember very few girls are actually going to hop in bed on the first date just because. If you flat out say you are a bit socially awkward and you may seem nervous talking to her it is because you are nervous, that is the honest truth, you are nervous. Saying that gives her good reason to listen to you more, she will be thinking he has not done this often so I will see how he approaches this. You do not need to profess that you have Aspergers, you just need to let her know that you are not the best at communicating but you are going to try. A lot of people just do not do well in social situations and that is perfectly okay, none of us are perfect. As long as you try that is all that matters.

[WildChild]

Look my desire for sex Is NEVER a desire to disrespect a woman treat her like a hole in a. mattress. Can't a woman bother to consider my situation before she decides to look at me as just another guy who is trying to get into her pants.

I don't think that anyone has suggested that you personally don't respect women or plan to treat them badly.

I respect others and others should respect me.

But it sounds to me like woman don't want to sympathize with my needs they just want to dismiss me as just another typical guy with no feeling who shouldn't be given a second glance. And that's not fair!

You are making assumptions about things that MIGHT happen but haven't. "It sounds to me" is not the same as something that has happened to you.

"Typical" guys have feelings too.

Do you gave any idea of what it is like to go for literally years without talking to a single real life soul just because you have aspergers?

Do you have any idea what it's like?! Do you know what it's like to be called a loner by people who deliberately choose not to befriend you since your different?

People who do not know why you don't interact do not deliberately chose not to befreind you, they just assume that you prefer not to interact. They don't know why unless someone explains it to them.

Do you know why it's like to have your heart slowly eaten away by loneliness that gnaws at you whole nobody rushes to your aid like the heartless people they are in this heartless world?!

When people sense that you have walls up they will often leave you alone out of respect. That is not being heartless, they don't know that you have Aspergers. They are responding to subtle signals that you give them.

If you can just try try try try very hard to understand that.

Then you will have some idea how it feels to have a need such as sex or any other need which is important (at least to me) and to have somebody who doesn't have the heart to empathize with my sexual frustration twist that heartlessness around back toward me and say I am the one who is being heartless!

Who has said that you are being heartless? Plenty of people male and female do not get sex and are frustrated. This is just part of life. It isn't something just being visited upon you.

Then you will see how confusing it is and then you will know what I mean when I say it is hard to trust and make sense of things.

Please listen. Please show me you have a heart so I can make sense of these things.
I don't think we are understanding what you are looking for from us. There is no formula. There is no a,b,c to this. Every person is different and how they interact with people varies depending on the feedback that they get. Various magazines and such that tell you if you do certain things or go to a certain place, you will connect and be able to have a relationship or sex, are grossly oversimplifying. It might work sometimes with some people but it is completely unpredictable.

I don't know if I am getting through. Communicating well enough. Sometimes I feel like I could just as well be talking to a wall.
.

My impression is that you would like to have a relationship that includes sex but you have jumped back and forth. You are focusing entirely on yourself and what you want and that people should somehow reach out to you. A relationship of any type requires give and take. You are obviously articulate and educated, what you think you would bring to a relationship that would make being with you a good experience? Generally focusing on the other person, while sharing yourself is a good practice in building a good connection