[stressed]

The more I read about sexually mismatched couples the more I'm inclined to believe that there's no solution for them. We can't make a person want more or less sex because we want to. Many times the other person cannot change this either even if s/he really wants to for the sake of the other.

I think the only solution would be counseling in order to find the root of the problem, when this problem is psychological, yet for such a step it takes acceptance and realization of a "problem" which doesn't happen in most cases since most rather blame the other than themselves.

[WildChild]

Sometimes counseling helps but we also have to recognize that people are or should be, dynamic. We are here to learn, grow and develop. Often times when people commit to a relationship they stop their growth and get stuck. Instead of helping each other grow they thwart each other or become each other's excuse. One gets stuck and the other feels obligated to be stuck with them. One starts to change and grow and the other gets frightened. They drag each other down instead of lifting each other up, this happens all over the place not just in committed relationships.

Look around you, how often in your work place do you seek examples of people lifting each other up and helping each be their best? We have these bizarre hierarchies that encourage people to cut each other's throats and climb on each other's backs to snatch at crumbs of material "rewards" or recognition. We have a long history of "leaders" who slaughter to gain "power" and instead of laughing them off the planet, people line up to follow, thinking somehow they will get something good out of it. It's little wonder that this is reflected in and affects our love relationships. We aren't exactly surrounded by fine examples of how to live and love. When ever some enlightened being comes along and has some insight about it, it gets hijacked by the nut jobs and turned into something else.

There are times that we should hang in there are work it out, it is part of both your development. There are other times when the most loving and growth promoting thing you can do is to walk away - not with anger or frustration but recognizing that it is the most positive thing to do. The trick is learning to open your heart and feel what is right and best.

[sameboat]

I never mean to hijack posts and have an OP's issues go on the backburner, I just feel that most of the men on these posts MAY have somewhat similar situations, and we can always learn from each other. It sounds like things are going good for the Op- Eaglechief. Thats awesome! I hope it lasts. This being said... here I go hijacking a post.
My wife often says that she is physically unable to have sex with someone that she does not feel a strong emotional attachment to. She says that she does not feel a strong emotional attachment to me "right now". However, right now has beeen pretty much most of the time for the last 9 years. She says that she can not just "spread em". If she does do that, that she will cry in the bathroom after sex.
I dont think many men want their wife to just have sex with them just for the sake of doing it, but rather,because they want to. Problem is, once hurt and feelings of defensivenss have taken root in a womans psyche... it seems awfully hard to get beyond that and grow the emotional security needed. I feel the problem comes in, (at least in my situation), is that it is hard to indefinitely maintain a smiley happy face, be emotionally supportive, and do what you are supposed to do, so that she feels "emotionally supported" enough to finally have sex. I can do it for a while, but eventually after more turn downs related to "headache, period, tired..." I just kind of say.....frick...... it doesnt really matter what I do, its still the same.
I guess what Im getting at is a little concession on both sides might go a long way.
And I know true love should be unconditional and maybe I am being tremondously selfish in my case. My wife sometimes says "what if I was physically paralyzed from the waist down" or couldnt have sex for some physical reason.. would you still be with me? Its a valid point. Thats why I am in no ways trying to make this an "all her" or an "all me" sort of thing. I just think that I am trying to make concessions, even if they dont last for extended periods of time, maybe if she gave in now and again I would be encouraged to continue, and put on the smiley face.. and continue to be emotionally supportive.
Even as I read this, I feel like a heel for making such a big deal of my situation. I mean, it could be worse. One of us could have cancer, we could lose a child. There could be a million of other things that could go wrong in our lives... We have soooo many good things to be thankful for. Am I wrong in letting a relatively sexless marriage consume so much of my thoughts?

[WildChild]

Sameboat, any idea what triggered this? 9 years is a long time.

[ItsASecret]

I dont think many men want their wife to just have sex with them just for the sake of doing it, but rather,because they want to.

maybe if she gave in now and again I would be encouraged to continue

If you acknowledge that you would like her to 'want it' then hoping for her to give in is not the approach you should be wanting because it is the polar opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

[sameboat]

Its a secret,
I agree with what you say. Im just struggling with getting to that point. I think I have become soooo resentful from being turned down so much that I finally just want her to give in now and then. Just for my sake. Its almost like the tables have turned and now I feel so "emotionally unsupported" due to lack of sex.

Wildchild,
Heres our history. Met 20 years ago. Both around 40. Had our first child at around 30. Stayed OK for a while....Had second child, things really started dwindling. A couple of things have happened. She says that she felt totally unsupported when the kids were young. This could be true... Dont get me wrong. I wasnt in the bars or up to any misdeeds. Maybe I could have been there more. I dont know. I think one of the nails in the coffin was when she revealed that she had some sexual abuse from a relative when she was younger. Acoording to her, my response was not appropriate. She probably revealed this to me approx. 6 or 7 years ago... after a lovemaking session. Basically my response was one of contained shock. I didnt bring it up with her again because I didnt feel like it was my place and that if she wanted to talk further she would. She feels I blew it off. Since then, the bricks have started stacking up on the wall. Getting "higher and higher" as she would say.
My wife is a very strong willed woman. She is an excellent mother, involved in the community, loving with the kids, attractive etc. I would call her a catch for sure. She is however argumentative, and often is at odds with one of our male "couple friends". I feel that sometimes she speaks before she thinks. She has a gift for gab, I do not. If you asked our friends to categorize our relationship, They would probably say we bicker a lot. I would agree.
It just seems like possibly we are mismatched. She says she is growing and I am still stagnant. She feels that I am controlling, but she acknowledges her strong willed tendencies.
Im wondering if we are oil and water.

[ItsASecret]

I agree with what you say. Im just struggling with getting to that point. I think I have become soooo resentful from being turned down so much that I finally just want her to give in now and then. Just for my sake. Its almost like the tables have turned and now I feel so "emotionally unsupported" due to lack of sex.

I understand that and it makes sense that you would be so frustrated. The problem is whether or not she would turn giving in" into actually wanting it. The more people have sex the more they want it, makes sense, so there could be the off chance that if your wife did give in more often it may turn into her realizing that she actually wants it. That would be best case scenario though and does not necessarily reflect the reality of the situation.

[sameboat]

Its a secret,
We have actually had this happen a couple of times through this long drought. Sex three times in a week. Then it totally turns off again.... for a long time. I actually told her once during one of these infrequent times that I didnt need that much, but that it was nice and I appreciated it. Im talking about wanting maybe once a week sex. That would be great. I think it would help me feel closer to her.
I do feel lately after learning about her bathtub masturbation sessions that she probably feels that this this is safer for herself. She doesnt have to give in to me, she can get off and go on her way. I felt a lot more understanding for her abuse plight before I learned about her masturbation. Probably jealous of the bathtub.... god, thats embarrasing..... I dont know why... because she used to have a sex drive with me. I guess it was foolish for me to assume that she wasnt having ANY sex life. But honestly, that made it hurt much more and decreased my understanding level tremendously.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sameboat you are growing and that is what she needs, wants...

My wife often says that she is physically unable to have sex with someone that she does not feel a strong emotional attachment to.

This is so true for alot of us... Sex is exactly that and as she was abused, if she were to have "sex" not intimacy the bond, the love, the acknowledgement that it's an act of intimacy, love then it's easy to see, a woman would cry after if she felt it was nothing....Just sex due to what occured.

Masterbation is "safe" it's loving yourself...

Your reaction was shock, yet she reached out to you... and now there is a feeling of non-worthyness, as she needed assurance of it's not sex with you, it's love and to be held...

I actually told her once during one of these infrequent times that I didnt need that much, but that it was nice and I appreciated it. Im talking about wanting maybe once a week sex. That would be great. I think it would help me feel closer to her

.

See the words? I don't need but it would be nice,so thanks...

Or could it be, I love everything about you, the way you smell, the way you smile, the little things you do, sometimes when you dress up, I am overwhelmed with your beauty, I don't want sex, I want to make love to the woman I love.

I'm sorry for the way I reacted at a time when you reached out and I'm proud of you for knowing that you can talk to me about anything... I know I've shunned away from ever bringing it up, only because I wasn't sure if you wanted to but I was wrong...I am your husband and I love you so much, and I'd like to hear you... and I'm sorry you had to go through that...

One of the most emotional connections to me, is words....Another is the look of love in his eyes, the smile and the holding of me....

[oxy-moron]

Sameboat-Keep up with the physical non sexual contact. It has taken the interaction in my relationship back to how it was in the first year.- After 25 Years.
My behaviour has changed - and I wasn't trying to to change it. There are more compliments being given by both sides.
It sounds like you became inattentive as I did in my relationship.
The more research that I do the more I believe that Oxytocin is the master regulator of human relationships. It is said by researchers to create the feeling of love ( along with Dopamine) . Physical contact will generate it and no part of body is without receptors for it.
And that is not to even mention the significant health benefits it provides.
I think that if you start the contact slowly at first it will work.