[Guest]

As a regular contributor here I'm sure the ladies will look upon my response as balanced. I sympathise with you EagleChief. I was married to a lovely woman, in lots of ways, who never ever initiated sex. Or showed any interest in it. She wasn't abused as a child. Cut a long story short, the marriage is now over. Atleast we found time to conceive two children for which I am glad. This woman is still a treasured friend and I would protect her whatever. But she almost never wanted sex and that was that. One time I tried something different when we were having that odd sex moment and she said "just get on with it". She some years later, when we were discussing this thing, said "you never tried again" What she should have done is a approach me when she next was in the mood and then would have been well.The thing is, there are a lot of sensible, well balanced ladies here. But not all of them know what it's like to continually be the initiator in sex, and often be turned down. It's pyschologically exhausting. I know women suffer from sexless realtionships and I emphathise with them. But all I can do is say what I have experienced. The fact is, the majority of women expect the man to initiate sex.
And then they can say, yes I do want it, or no I don't. It rarely works the other way.

[sameboat]

Thomas Hepburn,
I totally understand where you're coming from. I too am in a similar situation. I believe it is hard for people who have not been in our situation to understand what its like to constantly be turned down to the point you are sullen and withdrawn.
Ive been married ten years. I have two beautiful boys, married to a great mother and in some ways, a great partner. When we met, we had the usual honeymoon stage. We never had a crazy sex life, maybe once or twice a week. I was content with that. We would cuddle, spoon, kiss etc. Something changed gradually after the kids came. Its gotten to the point where we often go two to three months without. Its tearing me up inside. I think I have an average to a slightly above average sex drive. Nothing out of the ordinary. I would love to have sex once or twice a week with my wife again. We have been down the road to the point of seperation and turned back at the brink many times. I think for both of us, seperating and divorcing is just too complicated. But, to be honest, I dont know how much longer I can continue like this.
I always thought that maybe her sex drive had diminished due too hormones, perimenopause, stress etc. Although I think these are factors, I have known for about a year now that she is still masturbating. Walked in on her in the tub once and she has since admitted it. Now everytime I hear the jets of the tub running, it just makes me sick to my stomach because I know whats happening. It would all be fine and dandy with me if we actually had a sex life.
I masturbate also, because I need the release. I always thought that maybe she didnt need the release. Funny thing is, when I masturbate, I think only of her.... which makes me wonder what does she think about? She doesnt want sex with me, so she must have some fantasy involving someone else that she gets off with. Do you know how much that hurts a guy who is not getting any with his wife??
I have never cheated on her through 10 years of marriage and 8 additional years of dating. Money is not an issue. I am a reasonably attractive professionally employed individual who used to be confident in the bedroom. She says she has never cheated on me.... I believe her.
OK.... so I know what all the women out here... and probably some of the men are thinking. What about the rest of the relationship? We have had difficulties for some time. I have a little bit of a controlling nature (according to my wife), which I am trying to work on. She always says, I need to be loved before I have sex. Its the same old story as always, a woman doesnt feel the intimacy, therefore does not want to have sex with partner, who, unfortunately, needs occasional sex for intimacy.
I guess my big question in all this is.... who eventually gives in when both parties needs arent being met. It seems to me that the women kind of have us in a no-win situation. They need intimacy. We do the things that matter to them for intimacy, but they are able to control the situation because they are the ones who finally have to say "OK" to sex. We continue to try be the dutiful spouse, trying to meet everyones needs, until finally we get ****ed off because still no action, and then they are able to say.. see, you dont get sex because your a grumpy, sullen jerk.
I dont know.... it just seems like a hopeless carousel.

[waya]

Thomas Hepburn,
It seems to me that the women kind of have us in a no-win situation. They need intimacy. We do the things that matter to them for intimacy, but they are able to control the situation because they are the ones who finally have to say "OK" to sex. We continue to try be the dutiful spouse, trying to meet everyones needs, until finally we get ****ed off because still no action, and then they are able to say.. see, you dont get sex because your a grumpy, sullen jerk.
I dont know.... it just seems like a hopeless carousel.

Actually, it's been said on here before and I agree with it, it's the partner with the lower sex drive that has more control because the one with the higher sex drive is willing to do what they have to to get it. I am a woman but I know how much your situation hurts because my ex-husband 80% of the time chose to masturbate rather than have sex with me. Even though I wanted to be with him I eventually stopped trying to initiate because I got turned down so much and the way he did it was often hurtful. Just letting you know there's a flip side here but it's sad and painful either way. I hope you guys find a way to work things out.

[oxy-moron]

A quick question for the guys-
When you go out socially does she stand or sit very close to you-Keeping you within her personal space?
Does she sit with you after the evening meal chatting and chilling?
Do you find her pressing herself into you when you are not expecting it?

If not then the bond has probably slipped.

Ask her for two or three nights a week of cuddling/ massage.(15 to 20 MINS) No sex attached. Foot massage is a good non threatening starter.
Carry this on for few months and the bond will reform. If she has issues with cuddles and massage you need to find out what is wrong.
This does work.
Also anyone whos libido has dropped after chidbirth needs to look at taking fish oil- The development of a foetus and breastfeeding takes Omega3 fats from the mother and this can significantly reduce sex drive.

[sameboat]

oxymoron,
We dont sit together much after dinner, she hits one TV, I hit another. We will sometimes sit next to each other socially. NO, she definitely would not press into me when not expecting. She never initiates a hug, kiss or very little.
I like the foot rub idea. But heres what would happen: In my wifes eyes, foot rub means sex is next, so she wont allow it. Even if I promise her that I wont pursue sex. Honestly, after a while you just get frekin' tired of trying to figure out all the things you need to do in order to not do or say anything wrong so that your not shut out for the next month to three. I really envy all the guys out there that have women who are into their husbands.
Again, Im no saint. Ive done things wrong in our relationship. But, geez...... how long does a guy hang in there. Honestly, the idea of divorcing just makes me sick. Not only the whole kid and financial thing, but also the fact of failure and also that I do love this woman. Both of us have said though how long should we hang on, we dont want to be 50- 55 and be 20-25 years in before we finally say enough is enough.

[rcoreyus]

If you don't do something you may wind up having been married 25 years and be about 50 in a relationship with a unhappy sex life. (like me). I've tried everything I can think of, sometimes its a little better, sometimes worse, but I don't think it can be solved.

[EagleChief]

Here's my update to my original post of this situation...
After talking to my wife and having her read through all of this and show her how i felt and our looooooooooooooooong conversation, things are on the up and up. We've had many intimate moments (seconds or minutes) since all of this and some of the most off the wall phenomenal love making we've EVER had... It was better than all 13yrs put in one ball...
Things are going well, we've re-connected and still looking forward to the future with each other. Thanks again for all of the tips and advice.
EagleChief, out.

[waya]

That is wonderful! I hope it just keeps getting better

[nyx]

OK.... so I know what all the women out here... and probably some of the men are thinking. What about the rest of the relationship? We have had difficulties for some time. I have a little bit of a controlling nature (according to my wife), which I am trying to work on. She always says, I need to be loved before I have sex. Its the same old story as always, a woman doesnt feel the intimacy, therefore does not want to have sex with partner, who, unfortunately, needs occasional sex for intimacy.
I guess my big question in all this is.... who eventually gives in when both parties needs arent being met. It seems to me that the women kind of have us in a no-win situation. They need intimacy. We do the things that matter to them for intimacy, but they are able to control the situation because they are the ones who finally have to say "OK" to sex. We continue to try be the dutiful spouse, trying to meet everyones needs, until finally we get ****ed off because still no action, and then they are able to say.. see, you dont get sex because your a grumpy, sullen jerk.
I dont know.... it just seems like a hopeless carousel.

This "us vs them" language is pointless. There are men AND women out there who have higher AND lower sex drives. I really don't think that men typically higher sex drives. I could be wrong, but I see that as a stereotype that society has accepted. I haven't seen evidence to support that men must have higher sex drives, in fact this website has shown me it's pretty much equal. I'm not trying to be offensive, I just think it's important to mention.

That being said THIS IS NOBODY'S FAULT. It's not your fault, it's not your wife's fault. People forget what's important, hormones take over, happens. It happened to me, it probably happened to a lot of people on this site. The most important thing is the willingness to change and make things right. Don't shoot down people's ideas because you think your wife will disapprove. You have to TRY things. People don't withhold sex from their spouses with some malicious intent. The way you talk about this probably puts a lot of pressure on both of you. My suggestion is to work together. If your wife is unwilling to change, then you can go from there. Be positive now and try your best, because that's all you can do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Here's my update to my original post of this situation...
After talking to my wife and having her read through all of this and show her how i felt and our looooooooooooooooong conversation, things are on the up and up. We've had many intimate moments (seconds or minutes) since all of this and some of the most off the wall phenomenal love making we've EVER had... It was better than all 13yrs put in one ball...
Things are going well, we've re-connected and still looking forward to the future with each other. Thanks again for all of the tips and advice.
EagleChief, out.

Gone off topic abit, towards other people's issues

EagleChief that's fantastic, I could hear your excitement....

Best wishes ...

CW