[ItsASecret]

Is there nothing she can do about it? Maybe the video can be removed.

Nothing can be done. Once it is out in the internet it is not going to go away even if it is deleted from the website. Porn videos of one's self can hamper everything from personal relationship to getting a job to self-esteem issues (if a person did not want it out there and now the world can see it).

[Ashlee T.]

I'm thinking, what's the big deal here honestly? Why assume she's ashamed of it? Why assume she'd be embarassed? DO you know 100% she's not aware of the fact he recorded her and posted it? As long as there are hundreds of thousands of men (and a growing # of women too) looking at porn, there will be hundreds of thousands of people making it. So what's the big deal? What does it matter? You can tell her something she already knows "omg I saw a porn with you in it today!", which will also reveal to her that you're a porn surfer. Or you can leave it be and not make a bigger deal of it than it is. Cause in my opinion, it's just not a big deal if she knows about it.

How do you know she doesn't know?

[need a female perspective]

Nothing can be done. Once it is out in the internet it is not going to go away even if it is deleted from the website. Porn videos of one's self can hamper everything from personal relationship to getting a job to self-esteem issues (if a person did not want it out there and now the world can see it).

Nothing can be done. Once it is out in the internet it is not going to go away even if it is deleted from the website. Porn videos of one's self can hamper everything from personal relationship to getting a job to self-esteem issues (if a person did not want it out there and now the world can see it).

Thank you Itsasecret,

I will remain silent, and if I can't remain silent I will end things before it slips. If she ever wants to talk about it, she will talk about it with someone who deserves her trust. And if she doesn't want to talk about it, I completely understand. Everyone is entitled to their secrets.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to help me think about a delicate issue. I'm glad you could all come to the table. Its for the best if I close this thread and close this chapter in my mind at least.

[need a female perspective]

How do you know she doesn't know?

I don't know, my gut tells me she doesn't know.

I know she is hurt, and needs time. All I can do is be kind and patient.

[WildChild]

This is a tough one. Secret brings up a good point, what if it isn't actually her? I can't tell you how many times I've been told,"You look exactly like my friend so and so". I doubt it if we were side by side. There have been many times I've thought I saw someone I knew and greeted them only to realize it wasn't them.

If you are really certain that it is her. she needs to know. If this has been posted without her knowledge I don't know what she can do about it but she be prepared as it could come back to bite her sometime. Perhaps you could just say you were looking up things about her country and this came up? Rather than saying you think it is her, just say that the resemblance is remarkable. Let her check it out for herself.

Really. I advise that you not do this kind of "research" any more.

[ren_07]

You're being presumptuous in saying she has a right to know. She may already know, as others have stated. If you're insisting that you must tell her, even though I think it's quite clear the advice being given to you is being swayed in the other direction, at least wait until you know her a little better to judge whether or not she posted the videos of her own accord or it truly is a malicious act of an ex. If you like her and want to keep seeing her, which you've made clear is the case, I see way too many negative responses/outcomes to you trying to approach this with her just yet. Seriously, what would be the best reaction? Bc if she laughs it off to not make it a big deal instead of running away or getting embarrassed/upset, it makes her look promiscuous and will make you upset.

And again, this makes you look rather creepy (not saying you are). I just commented on a post from another section on a woman who is upset with her husband's porn habits. It's not uncommon for women to feel this way towards their partners and that may turn her off to hear from you as well.

Too many cons this early.

It seems you're making the right choice if you stay quiet for the time being

[Hopeless Dork]

Porn is passed around on the internet, uploaded, downloaded, saved, shared, sold, given away free, and viewed by the millions. Once something is on the internet... there is no getting rid of it. No matter how many sites are forced to remove something, hundreds others can pop up with it... wait to be asked to remove... lather rinse repeat.

She may know, she may not know. My question is what in the world do you think POSITIVE can come from you telling her? I only see negatives.

*It isn't her... and she thinks badly of you for looking up girls that look like her for porn material
*It isn't her... and she is EXTREMELY insulted at the assumption of her character

*It IS her... and she already knows its out there, but feels so humliated by you discovering it that she doesn't want to see you anymore, doesn't want to face the embarassment -- even if your 'cool with it'.
*It IS her... and she already knows but is totally weirded out by the fact you found it, thinks you are stalking her etc... digging into her life.

*Its her, she DIDN'T know... and she is DEVISTATED, humiliated and has to deal with the emotional pain and anxiety of having that out there, futily attempting to have it removed only to fear it may (and very likely is) still out there no matter how much effort she puts into having it removed-- she becomes withdrawn and sad.

*Its her, she DIDN'T know... is devistated, is glad you told her, tries to deal with it, but doesn't think you will ever look at her like she's a good girl and moves on from you.


Okay... those are the possible outcomes I can think of with you telling her... and... none of them really lean in your favor, um, notta one.

What is YOUR BEST expectation from telling her? What are some good things you can think of that can come from it? If YOU don't care about it, if YOU aren't bothered by it... why would it be hard for you to just let it go? What if she knows its there and doesn't care its there and doesn't care you found it... thats the BEST CASE SCENERIO... and guess what? You'll be in the exact same standing with her that you were before having told her..

So if theres a dozen negative things that can happen from saying something... and the only positive thing is nothing changing in your relationshp.. then whats the point?

I mean unless you or anyone else can think of some positive outcomes from telling her?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The specification of smaller countries only came later, when I was put in the chair. Its a shame my motives are put under direct suspicion, but I am not surprised nor upset. It is to be expected given the nature of the internet. As per usual, the first reaction was the most sincere.

As for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, yes I do fit the profile. That does not mean that I am the profile. Too many things have happened in my life for me to believe in coincidences.

After our third date I looked for amateur porn from her country of origin. This is something I have done more often with crushes, but I never expect to find the actual girl on the website.

I know I therefore possibly didn't answer your question the way in which you preferred and yes it is the Internet, but I am giving you my honest opinion. She is 19 yes and you aer 29, you don't usually date, you perhaps go online for dating? Doesn't matter but you have as you stated put yourself in this position before, checking small countries of women whom may be in porn that you have had crushes on and in this case as someone pointed out, you may be wrong, it may not be this woman or it may, the bottom line is, it's not in my opinion your call...You understand at 19 she can make her own management decisions right or wrong...

You tell her then you have to tell her the aboe, " you have searched before as you have written above and as for the obsession? I mean't this...You have searched before you state, now that that is because it came later, when you were put into a chair to do so, so obviously this has happened before.

You can't save the World you can try...

What happened before, " it came later, when you were put into a chair".... Did your actions not work that time and if so what were they.

I stick to my thoughts, you tell a 19 year old you searched porn in her Country and found her she will be scared, worried and won't see you as a knight.

Nothing about judging you at all.

...............

[need a female perspective]

What happened before, " it came later, when you were put into a chair".... Did your actions not work that time and if so what were they.

Nothing about judging you.

...............

The chair I was referring to was the direction this thread is taking. Yes, I know I put myself in the chair.

Thank you for being honest. You were quite astute in picking up on my tendencies. I have never been a jeaulous or controlling partner (mostly due to self-control and only giving my trust to trustworthy women). The end of my last relationship forced me to be a detective. A position I found extremely uncomfortable.

When I say I am not a dater, what I mean is that I don't play the lottery, if I like a girl, I am serious about her and only her. As for internetdating, I experimented with it once, and soon discovered that it is not suitable for my personality. You will probably not believe me, but this is also the first time I have posted on any kind of internet forum.

As you say, this is the internet, and I came here to find out how to handle this situation, not to analyse myself (I do enough of that already).

I guess I gave away to much of myself, rather than sticking to the topic. I will say this, it is normal for men to look at porn, it is normal for men to look for porn with the kind of woman they are atracted to or have a crush on (this is not a check up or an offence to a specific woman, its just entertainment, unless a surprise jumps out of the web of course).

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I read , really read a post.

I for me , need you to tell me about the last relationship, which made you get into that chair and look, so I personally can answer further.

I admire that you want to be that knight so many girls get themselves into trouble and in "Countries" sometimes it is for money for family and at 19? It can be because they are lost, need money for family alot of reasons.

We do things at a young age for alot of reasons... I as I said, am concerned of not your motive, rather her rationalality of you telling her...

If you help me there, maybe I can help you there and others of this Forum, our members.

CW