[bernardcat]

a lot of us have been taught that sex is "taboo" or is "not lady like" to talk about it. I actually just watched a documentary on sexual discussion and development in the US and they explained it well! That we don't know how to think or talk about it. The language we have been exposed to from sex ed has provided a hidden meaning. They found that by using the word abstinent we are combining the ideas of drugs and alcohol addiction abstinence and that is where we put sex .. with crack and heroin. It is seen as a contaminate. We see a picture of sexuality that we need to defeat/wrestle with as if it is something we paint into a picture and reason as an opponent that is an outside part of us with different wants/needs that we struggle with and lock up. << I thought it was helpful for it to be put that way for me. I can relate to the lack of acceptance of sexual wants or desires here in the US. We don't talk about sex openly.

[monK]

I agree with Adaac41. No more oral for him. He'll either start liking to give you oral to get you to give oral to him, or he'll leave and you can find someone else who can satisfy your needs. You do have needs! It's okay to want to feel good when you are intimate with him. Sure it feels good that he feels good and you are helping him to get there, and it feels good to have his body close to yours, but you should be getting some of that good feeling that he gets to have.

[Guest]

cut him off

You state that you give him bj's, sometimes 2x per day. Apparently, its not working. Talk about reinforcing poor behavior. I hate to sound harsh but you have two choices, talk to him and if that does not work, cut him off from sex. After a couple days, tell him, not until you have a mind blowing oral orgasm will you have sex with him. Secondly, there is a book out there, something like "She comes first" is the title. Buy it for him, and tell him to read it. Stand up for yourself, jeessss

[rcoreyus]

I wouldn't recommend withholding sex. My feeling is that sex is something shared that both enjoy, and that even if you don't like some particular act, it is great to watch your partner enjoy themselves. If you partner is not reciprocating, then I think that "trading" sex will not make it any better - you will start to feel it is some sort of business transaction. Instead if someone isn't generous trying to please you in bed, and you are doing everything you can for them, maybe you are with the wrong person.

[Chas]

... but they don't get turned on by getting their partner to writhe in ecstasy with her legs around their head. ...

This is so hot. It's exactly what giving oral to a women is all about. I personally can't get enough. And, the wetter the better.

When my wife is having her period I can repeatedly bring her to orgasm through oral. Last month she had these mini-orgasm like seven times in a row from oral. They weren't nearly as strong as her regular orgasms, but I teased her that her new nickname should be "Insatiable."

Whether giving oral, or any other sex act for that matter, turns a guy on is all in his head. If a guy watches porn for a while, pretty soon he'll want to come on your face, because that's what they do. It's really kind of stupid, but seeing it on the big screen makes it an arousal for many guys. He just needs to decide that making you "writhe in ecstasy with [your] legs around [his] head" is a turn on.

[Guest]

I wouldn't recommend withholding sex. My feeling is that sex is something shared that both enjoy, and that even if you don't like some particular act, it is great to watch your partner enjoy themselves. If you partner is not reciprocating, then I think that "trading" sex will not make it any better - you will start to feel it is some sort of business transaction. Instead if someone isn't generous trying to please you in bed, and you are doing everything you can for them, maybe you are with the wrong person.

So by your logic, it's way too harsh to cut him off from sex but it's ok to maybe consider the person the "wrong one" for you. Look, men are dense. We need to get hit over the head with a frying pan sometimes. Withholding sex is not going to kill him. Just a little pent up semen to wake the guy up. ITS NOT BARGAINING FOR SEX. This idea that you should not stand up for yourself is one of my pet peeves with women these days. Too many will end up marrying a guy like this and end up leaving him when she turns 40 and realizes he will not change.

[rcoreyus]

My concern wasn't that withholding sex would hurt him, it was that withholding sex implies that this is something you are doing "for him", rather than "with him", and I think that is a step toward a less happy relationship. I do see it as bargaining, to me it seems to be saying "I will give you a BJ, but only if you go down on me", sounds like a bargain.

To each their own of course, but I would much prefer to be with someone who actively enjoyed pleasing me, and who I enjoyed pleasing in return - no bargain, or *** for tat involved. There are lots of people who see relationships as a bargain, and I guess it works for them, but it isn't what I would want.

I was not suggesting that she marry him, rather the reverse,

So by your logic, it's way too harsh to cut him off from sex but it's ok to maybe consider the person the "wrong one" for you. Look, men are dense. We need to get hit over the head with a frying pan sometimes. Withholding sex is not going to kill him. Just a little pent up semen to wake the guy up. ITS NOT BARGAINING FOR SEX. This idea that you should not stand up for yourself is one of my pet peeves with women these days. Too many will end up marrying a guy like this and end up leaving him when she turns 40 and realizes he will not change.

[WildChild]

My concern wasn't that withholding sex would hurt him, it was that withholding sex implies that this is something you are doing "for him", rather than "with him", and I think that is a step toward a less happy relationship. I do see it as bargaining, to me it seems to be saying "I will give you a BJ, but only if you go down on me", sounds like a bargain.

To each their own of course, but I would much prefer to be with someone who actively enjoyed pleasing me, and who I enjoyed pleasing in return - no bargain, or *** for tat involved. There are lots of people who see relationships as a bargain, and I guess it works for them, but it isn't what I would want.

I was not suggesting that she marry him, rather the reverse,

R, I see your point but if he is isn't "getting" the concept that they are out of balance what besides leaving do you suggest she do?
She has talked and he isn't listening.
She is giving but isn't getting anything but whatever she gets out of nonreciprocal giving.

This hits close to home for me because I was there. Bj after bj and I got zero, zip, nada, from a man who was perfectly and delightfully capable of being an amazing lover but chose to withhold that. I did finally leave but only after feeling quite certain nothing I did or said would create change. I know it is close to the bone for you too.

Relationships shouldn't be *** for tat but there has to be balance, communication and both have to be getting what they need. If you agree to monogamy, that takes the option of sexual fulfillment with others off the table, if you cannot get it from the person you are in the relationship with you are left with forced abstinence or self pleasure. Not all of us are willing or feel it is healthy to accept this. If taking something they want off the menu may help wake them up, then why not?

When we accept less than we should, we belittle ourselves and reduce the pleasure and joy in our lives. This is not healthy.

[rcoreyus]

In this case I think I'd recommend leaving. Just my opinion, but I think a relationship where you need to withold sex to get any from your partner isn't happy and isn't going to become happy. If he doesn't enjoy pleasing her now, I don't think its that likely he will change.

Leaving sounds harsh, but that way they can each find someone more compatible rather than be trapped with someone who isn't.

[Guest]

My concern wasn't that withholding sex would hurt him, it was that withholding sex implies that this is something you are doing "for him", rather than "with him", and I think that is a step toward a less happy relationship. I do see it as bargaining, to me it seems to be saying "I will give you a BJ, but only if you go down on me", sounds like a bargain.

To each their own of course, but I would much prefer to be with someone who actively enjoyed pleasing me, and who I enjoyed pleasing in return - no bargain, or *** for tat involved. There are lots of people who see relationships as a bargain, and I guess it works for them, but it isn't what I would want.

I was not suggesting that she marry him, rather the reverse,

I'm not suggesting bargaining either. But it does not make sense to give him BJ's 2x a day and then saying, I want to break up. I'll say it again, MEN ARE DENSE. Secondly, I would question your communication style. I find it hard to believe you are giving him BJ's and at the same time telling him your going to leave if he does not reciprocate. I have been down the road with a women who expects men to "pick up on subtle signs" Does not work.