[hotdogg]

lol! this just keeps getting better!

my logic is not flawed, you are the one who sees everything in black and white! which in my view is a closed minded thing to do!

also get off your high horse, you have proved nothing at all on this thread, all you have proved is that you are obsessed by your anti porn crusade!

i am right and i know i am right, you can not prove me wrong! and you know it.

[eve]

i feel like even though this is a forum for everyone, i shouldn't step into the middle of this one. which is sad because, as mentioned originally by sadgirl7 some of us just need advice and some of us just want to put our 2 cents in for what ever it is worth.

i am a new member. i joined this site because i have been struggling with what to do about my boyfriend and his decietfullness about using porn. we have been together for 4 years. but within those four years, we took a few months break because i was feeling neglected and disrespected by him continually using porn and on top of it, lying about it. He is a good man, but when he starts up with the porn, his behavior is noticably altered. He doesnt consciously become neglectful or rude or distant, but when he is getting all of his physical satisfaction out of pixilated boobs and perfect curves, he has no psychological drive to please me.

sidenote: I think most people will agree that men need to "hunt for thier prey". they need to be challenged. When they are robbed of the challenge and spoon fed thier meals (aka when they don't have to work for thier action, when it is plopped down infront of them via computer/tv screen) they become lazy.

after a few tearfull weeks, he admited to me that he knows it is a problem for him and he is ashamed.

He stopped entirely.
for an entire year.

until a few weeks ago when I discovered that he had reverted to using porn, my initial reaction was the typical "what is wrong with me" "how did i fail this time?"

but i have more confidence than that. I know I have my faults, but being good to him is not one of them.

So how was i to react?

Even though i personally find porn to be a personal blow, a sign of disrespect especially since we've already been through this issue once, and a sad addiction, i decided be rash and keep quiet for the time being. to see if it becomes a problem for him, for us, again. or if maybe it was just a one time lapse.

but, i am starting to second guess that decision because all i have done is put a bandaid over the wound. And even though i've but it out of sight, it continues to fester.

what i am trying to say, I guess, is that porn wounds.

maybe its just me. maybe its not. But it seems to cause so much tension between couples and even in discussion on a simple forum that I have a hard time accepting that there are really any real, substantually rewarding aspects to porn.

unless, if you are counting selfish, disrespectful self-gratification.

(i know this isn't the most clear post, it weaves around a lot, but i've just been venting a lot of thoughts that have been pacing around in my mind lately)

take it or leave it or add to it.

[eve]

so, i dont know about everyone else, but I feel like even though this is a forum for everyone, i shouldn't step into the middle of this debate.

oh well, here I go. As mentioned originally this is obviously a very hot topic, some of us just need advice and some of us just want to put our 2 cents in for what ever it is worth.

i am a new member. i joined this site because i have been struggling with what to do about my boyfriend and his decietfullness about using porn. we have been together for 4 years. but within those four years, we took a few months break because i was feeling neglected and disrespected by his use of porn and the lying that went along with it. He is a good man, but when he starts up with the porn, his behavior is noticably altered. He doesnt consciously become neglectful or rude or distant, but when he is getting all of his physical satisfaction out of pixilated boobs and perfect curves, he has no psychological drive to please me.

sidenote: I think most people will agree that men need to "hunt for thier prey". they need to be challenged. When they are robbed of the challenge and spoon fed thier meals (aka when they don't have to work for thier action, when it is plopped down infront of them via computer/tv screen) they become lazy.

after a few tearfull weeks, he admited to me that he knows it is a problem for him and he is ashamed.

He stopped entirely.
for an entire year.

until a few weeks ago when I discovered that he had reverted to using porn, my initial reaction was the typical "what is wrong with me" "how did i fail this time?"

but i have more confidence than that. I know I have my faults, but being good to him is not one of them.

So how was i to react?

Even though i personally find porn to be a personal blow, a sign of disrespect (especially to me since we've already been through this issue once), and a sad addiction, i decided be rash and keep quiet for the time being. to see if it becomes a problem for him, for us, again. or if maybe it was just a one time lapse.

but, i am starting to second guess that decision because all i have done is put a bandaid over the wound. And even though i've but it out of sight, it continues to fester.

what i am trying to say, I guess, is that porn wounds.

maybe its just me. maybe its not. But it seems to cause so much tension between couples and even in discussion on a simple forum that I have a hard time accepting that there are really any real, substantually rewarding aspects to porn.

unless, if you are counting selfish, disrespectful self-gratification.

(i know this might not be the most clear post, it weaves around a bit, but i've just been venting a lot of thoughts that have been pacing around in my mind lately)

take it or leave it... or share any new prespectives you have to offer.

[hotdogg]

men like porn, it is simple! if a women nags about it then they will either stop using it or hide it from you.

the fact is if they are allowed to make their own choices they will no doubt choose to view porn.

the ones that cave in and give it up ( just for a peaceful life ) would still like to watch it, only they know it is not worth the hassle of an hysterical spouse!

you all know too well that if you left your man tomorrow he would go straight back to looking at porn!

most men look at porn, it is normal, it is normal to be sexually aroused by sexual images, it is normal to masterbate, sex is not dirty, if you hate the fact that you man looks at porn then maybe you should'nt be with them in the first place.

then when you find a new partner tell them from the off that they can never look at porn otherwise you will end the relationship, then everyone will know where they stand and you can finally be happy.

[ChelseaRenee]

I, too, feel like I'm putting my nose in the middle of a silly argument it doesn't belong in, but I'm putting my 2 cents in.

My boyfriend and I have been together 14 months, 14 months yesterday to be exact. We've always had an amazing relationship. Except for the porn.

He never watched it much while we were together, once every two weeks or so. But every time I knew he did it tore me apart. I don't care what ANYONE says- It makes us feel useless. WE are the women in their lives they should get sexual relief from, and if you're interested in getting that from someone else, what does that say about your relationship and feelings towards us? What does it say about the lack of respect?

Keep in mind, the scenario above I'm talking about is for a couple in which one of the people involved doesn't want the other looking at porn. If you can handle your spouse getting off to the though of other people, cheers to you! Really, I envy you.

I realize the argument is going to be that men are visual creatures. But what does that matter? Men masturbate every. single. day. without looking at porn. It's not a necessity. So in my mind, porn and masturbation are mutually exclusive. You can get off without looking at porn! So that's not an excuse, especially if it's hurting your partner.

Now back to me and my boyfriend. One night, I finally broke down. I cried, I puked, I had a panic attack. I'd always cried when he told me he was looking at porn, but it just got to be more than I could handle. I sat him down, and told him how I felt. He cried with me. He had no idea I felt that way since I'd never said anything, and he apologized like there was no tomorrow. Which I didn't agree with- he shouldn't apologize if he had no idea it upset me.

He made some very good points, and I DO believe him. We have never lied to each other. Not once. He told me that porn had nothing to do with me. Just that when he's thinking about me, and gets horny, it's faster to look at porn and think about us doing those things than simply use his imagination. I agree, it probably is. And I know if that's what he's telling me he did when he watched porn, that's what he did. So I guess after that, it wasn't as much of a big deal to me. But still, for now, I think it's better this way- him NOT watch it. Because I'll be the FIRST to admit, that it's my insecurities that made me dislike porn. But weather it's my insecurities or a moral reason or WHATEVER reason, if you tell your spouse you don't like it and they continue, it's simply a disgusting display of a complete lack of respect for you.

It's been almost 2 months, and he hasn't looked back. And we have a long distance relationship. Well, relatively. 45 minutes away. We've made some great changes to our relationship. I send him dirty text messages, we have phone sex. I'm even about to get a webcam. We'll see how that works out. He isn't lacking in that department. I make sure of that, and he tells me every time we talk about it how much more satisfied and happy he feels.

I know 2 months isn't forever, and I know he could go back to porn. But right now, it doesn't seem like that'll happen. But if it does, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Sorry for the long post. Hope I enlightened some people about how the porn disagreement can go if you have a great, respectful man.

[the dude]

I, too, feel like I'm putting my nose in the middle of a silly argument it doesn't belong in, but I'm putting my 2 cents in.

My boyfriend and I have been together 14 months, 14 months yesterday to be exact. We've always had an amazing relationship. Except for the porn.

He never watched it much while we were together, once every two weeks or so. But every time I knew he did it tore me apart. I don't care what ANYONE says- It makes us feel useless. WE are the women in their lives they should get sexual relief from, and if you're interested in getting that from someone else, what does that say about your relationship and feelings towards us? What does it say about the lack of respect?

Keep in mind, the scenario above I'm talking about is for a couple in which one of the people involved doesn't want the other looking at porn. If you can handle your spouse getting off to the though of other people, cheers to you! Really, I envy you.

I realize the argument is going to be that men are visual creatures. But what does that matter? Men masturbate every. single. day. without looking at porn. It's not a necessity. So in my mind, porn and masturbation are mutually exclusive. You can get off without looking at porn! So that's not an excuse, especially if it's hurting your partner.

Now back to me and my boyfriend. One night, I finally broke down. I cried, I puked, I had a panic attack. I'd always cried when he told me he was looking at porn, but it just got to be more than I could handle. I sat him down, and told him how I felt. He cried with me. He had no idea I felt that way since I'd never said anything, and he apologized like there was no tomorrow. Which I didn't agree with- he shouldn't apologize if he had no idea it upset me.

He made some very good points, and I DO believe him. We have never lied to each other. Not once. He told me that porn had nothing to do with me. Just that when he's thinking about me, and gets horny, it's faster to look at porn and think about us doing those things than simply use his imagination. I agree, it probably is. And I know if that's what he's telling me he did when he watched porn, that's what he did. So I guess after that, it wasn't as much of a big deal to me. But still, for now, I think it's better this way- him NOT watch it. Because I'll be the FIRST to admit, that it's my insecurities that made me dislike porn. But weather it's my insecurities or a moral reason or WHATEVER reason, if you tell your spouse you don't like it and they continue, it's simply a disgusting display of a complete lack of respect for you.

It's been almost 2 months, and he hasn't looked back. And we have a long distance relationship. Well, relatively. 45 minutes away. We've made some great changes to our relationship. I send him dirty text messages, we have phone sex. I'm even about to get a webcam. We'll see how that works out. He isn't lacking in that department. I make sure of that, and he tells me every time we talk about it how much more satisfied and happy he feels.

I know 2 months isn't forever, and I know he could go back to porn. But right now, it doesn't seem like that'll happen. But if it does, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Sorry for the long post. Hope I enlightened some people about how the porn disagreement can go if you have a great, respectful man.

i think you worry to much, he already told you why he looked at it so why where you still threaten by it?

[scarlet]

Now back to me and my boyfriend. One night, I finally broke down. I cried, I puked, I had a panic attack. I'd always cried when he told me he was looking at porn, but it just got to be more than I could handle. I sat him down, and told him how I felt. He cried with me. He had no idea I felt that way since I'd never said anything, and he apologized like there was no tomorrow. Which I didn't agree with- he shouldn't apologize if he had no idea it upset me.

He made some very good points, and I DO believe him. We have never lied to each other. Not once. He told me that porn had nothing to do with me. Just that when he's thinking about me, and gets horny, it's faster to look at porn and think about us doing those things than simply use his imagination. I agree, it probably is. And I know if that's what he's telling me he did when he watched porn, that's what he did. So I guess after that, it wasn't as much of a big deal to me. But still, for now, I think it's better this way- him NOT watch it. Because I'll be the FIRST to admit, that it's my insecurities that made me dislike porn. But weather it's my insecurities or a moral reason or WHATEVER reason, if you tell your spouse you don't like it and they continue, it's simply a disgusting display of a complete lack of respect for you.

Sorry, but I agree with the dude, you really are making far too much of this.

Question : How did he not know that his looking at porn upset you, when you said you cried each time he watched it? Also you explain all the reasons why he watched porn and appear to accept them. I am failing to see the moral of your story or the advive you are trying to give?

People view porn very differently - men and women - shouldn't each be allowed their own views, dislikes and likes? I agree if you have expressed your dislike of something and your partner continues to do it that it shows a complete lack of respect but at some point shouldn't there be a give and take in any relationship?

[ChelseaRenee]

Sorry, but I agree with the dude, you really are making far too much of this.

Question : How did he not know that his looking at porn upset you, when you said you cried each time he watched it? Also you explain all the reasons why he watched porn and appear to accept them. I am failing to see the moral of your story or the advive you are trying to give?

People view porn very differently - men and women - shouldn't each be allowed their own views, dislikes and likes? I agree if you have expressed your dislike of something and your partner continues to do it that it shows a complete lack of respect but at some point shouldn't there be a give and take in any relationship?

I don't know that there was a moral. It's just my story about it. And I did say that while I understand why he'd do it, I'm still battling my own insecurities and until I win that dumb battle, it's GOING to upset me. No matter what I think, because even if I KNOW he's fantasizing about me while watching porn, there are still gorgeous naked women right there in front of him. I never said I was right in how I felt, or that it made sense to feel this way. Just one opinion, one example.
And he didn't know it upset me, because like I said, we live an hour away from each other. He could tell me on the phone that he'd looked at porn that day, I wouldn't say a word, and I'd cry when we got off the phone. My mistake, not his.

And yes, there SHOULD be compromise in a relationship. I feel really ashamed and guilty that I feel this way, and one of the reasons I didn't say anything before was BECAUSE I couldn't come up with a good compromise. I think we're doing better in that department now (webcam thing, phone sex, whatever..)

[Kristen82]

porn

hey honey,
I can identify with you. I have the exact same problem...I recently got married to my boyfriend. We have a 10 month old son and I am six months pregnant with our second...We got pregnant after being together for only 2 months, so I have been pregnant almost the whole time! When we met, I was thin and attractive, so the porn stuff didn't really bother me, i'd even watch with him sometimes. but now...it bothers the hell out of me! i have actually caught him in the act and it really hurt me. i feel as if he is cheating on me also. BUT...after reading the other responses, I have to say I am beginning to change my view here...maybe it's not a big deal...we still have sex all the time, though I feel inferior to the women in the videos...maybe i should just change my outlook on it, and let it go. after all, he tells me he loves me every day and is faithful to me in all other ways. i guess i'd rather he watch porn than go out and sleep with other women. let's try to be cool with it! wanna help each other? we can vent and joke about it!

[scarlet]

Hi ChelseaRenee, Respect to you and your last comments. When reading your first post on this issue, your comments come across (and maybe its just me) but very differently to your response to my last post. You and your bf sound very much in love and I think that the fact you have managed to commuinicate your feelings and actually sound like both of you are willing to compromise is wonderful. As Kristen82 (great post) so wonderfully put it "try to be cool with it"