[DreamP346]

I didn't marry a penis.

Actually I did marry a penis. I married him for the whole package. If his penis wasn't important to me, I would have been just as comfortable being with a woman. I love him for his sensitivity, his ambitions in his career, his masculinity, his financial stability, his penis and everything else that makes him who he is. So when one of those things changes, it's very difficult to deal with. I'm not saying that's a reason to leave, but it's an issue. I am willing to meet him half way, I need him to meet me half way too.

We had a discussion a while back and things in our relationship has improved, but it's not enough to make me completely happy. I try to be understanding but people don't think rationally when hormones are controlling your body. As understanding as I want to be, when I am being turned down, it hurts. It has a very negative impact on my emotions, self esteem and makes me feel resentful towards him. I am only human after all.

It too bad this thread has taken such a negative turn. I was just looking for advice on how to channel my sexual energy.

[jns]

Channeling sexual energy with a partner who does not want sex in any form is very difficult. It is easier to take on a hobby or sport that can take all of your energy, then you will miss the sex less often. But every once in a while you will remember what was lost and have a rough time for a bit.

[kathyn]

I don't have a lot of experence sex wise, but I think this problem is what BOB was made for.

[jns]

I didn't marry a penis.

Actually I did marry a penis.

There you go, the full breadth of the arguments.

[jns]

I would not argue Blow Up Barbie is a good substitute for an intimate relationship with a lover, so I will not argue BOB is a good substitute, either.

[Bug_Lady]

I'm the one with the lower drive in my relationship but it waxes and wanes like everything else. Sometimes I want it everyday. Sometimes I could go a couple weeks without thinking about it - but I still do for him.....but I'm sure he can tell I'm not into it. Right now I'm finishing up my masters thesis and starting field work so my mind is nowhere near the bedroom. I feel really bad sometimes but it's hard to be in the mood when you are going by 730, in the field or writing all day, home, cook, work out, write more.....

Even with all that I'd say we average 2-3 times per week. And if I don't feel like having sex I just....do other things..... I know he still masturbates which used to make me feel bad but there is really no way around it. I just don't have the energy for as often as he likes. And in 10 years when I'm 35 and at my sexual peak and he's slowing down, I'm sure the tables will turn...

[jns]

And in 10 years when I'm 35 and at my sexual peak and he's slowing down, I'm sure the tables will turn...

If sex drive was only so easy to figure out. Just don't bet on this.

[dlanier248]

I thought I was the only 46yr old person to play video games to destract me from the intamancy issues. My wife will facebook from 6-10pm every night if it was not for the numerous show that WE like to watch together. She is my best friend and knows me better than any human on earth. I have told her I would rather have her for my mate and have every day Best Friend than to loose her over JUST our sex issues... BUT... That does not mean I can't try to correct the problem and continue to seek help and direction for BOTH of us.

[Stillness]

sp346, I've been experiencing something unusual and I thought about this thread. I've been working out every day, cardio and weight training. I'm on a particularly long and active streak where in the past 2 weeks I've only missed a day (and even that day I was active). That's unusual for me. Normally when I'm doing good it's every other day or maybe 2-3 days in a row. Like always, I'm not getting as much lovin' as I'd like (which is particularly disappointing since we're on vacation celebrating our anniversary), but I'm a lot less frustrated. I suspect that the exercise is the main culprit. I don't know if I'm expending more energy that's not available for sex, if I'm just calmer, more in control, or all of the above. It's odd, because typically exercise means an increased drive for me, but I'm not usually this diligent.

I'll hit 40 in a few years, so it's possible I'm seeing the decline in my drive that I hear men get at that age. I haven't noticed any decrease in my performance, though. I also have been eating lighter, but I think it's the regular exercise.

[JonDoe]

Many who have responded are correct, at least in part, but it is clear to me that some do not fully understand the impact that long term rejection has on a marriage and on the person receiving the rejection. I can tell you from first hand experience, that it can be debilitating, a major source of frustration, lead to depression, and a form of torture, especially in a sex driven society.

I've been married for 21+ years, and during that time we have gone from having sex several times a week, to several times a month, to several times a year. I am a loving and caring husband, provider, father and friend, but I am human. My wife is a good woman, good mother, good friend, but has never bothered to even try to understand the pain she causes me by denying intimacy in our relationship. I have tried talking to her, explaining it from my point of view, asking her to do the same, buying books and reading numerous articles, blogs, forums etc, but she refuses to do anything. In fact, instead of reading a book I shared with her, she threw it away. We tried counseling, and despite the counselor, who happened to be a christian woman who came highly recommended by friends, sharing with us that lack of intimacy was the root our our martial problems, my wife refused to change. There have never been any health issues in our case thus far.

Most marriage ceremonies do not speak directly about sex, but some progressive churches do. Our speaks about openly about sex, even going so far as recommending couples strive for at least once per week, with several times per week being ideal. Why you may ask? Because a progressive church realizes that lack of intimacy is a major contributor to failed marriages and broken families. Now before, you feel the need to shout out from the rooftop that there is more to marriage than sex and intimacy, I say yes sex and intamicy is only one part, but an important part after love, respect, kindness, compassion, etc.

Some of my wife's favorite shows on TV depict single and married women having vibrant sex lives. No need to mention them here as they are mainstream on major channels. The point is, that I try to spend time with my wife doing things that interest her, but I must admit watching these TV shows require a level of mental fortitude that is nearly impossible giving the circumstances in our marriage. She does not attempt to do anything that I like. There is no compromise when it comes to movies, TV shows, games, spots, etc. I'm not talking about an imbalance, like 60-40, which I would be very happy with, I'm talking about 100-0.

We have not slept in the same bed for most of the past 15 years. In fact, when we go on vacation, my wife insists that we spend extra to rent a condo or house with at least 2 bedrooms; one for her, one for our boys, and maybe one for me, but me sleeping on the couch is perfectly acceptable as long as it doesn't inconvenience her in any way. My wife recently choose to sleep on the couch because the AC stopped working one night, and she went on and on about how this disrupted her sleep and how tired she was. I am compassionate when she shares her feeling with me, but when I share my feelings with her she says I am too sensitive. I'm 6'2", 225 lbs, like sports, fishing, etc, but according to her men who share feelings is being to sensitive.

I could go on and on, but I will end by saying that some of the female posters may have reason tk believe that some men only want to ge their rocks off, and some have been emotionally and/or physically abused by men in their life, but that doesn't mean all men are the same. Thus, when reading posts by men, please realize that many of them are posting to a female forum to offer real advice from a male point of view and/or seek real advice from a female point of view because the CARE about themselves, their marriage, their wife, and other posters on this forum. We are for the same team, a happy heathly relationship, and even though we have more facial hair and different equipment, we have needs desires, and feelings too. Unfortunately, too many men and women don't realize the strong urges men have are primarily rooted in the need for tender intimacy so much more than the physical act of intercourse.