[Caussie]

I am a 37 YO male, happily married, 3 children (5,8,11).

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Prior to children we enjoyed a healthy sex life. She was quite adventurous and pretty much open to anything except anal.

She now has a very low libido and is open to sex only for a few days each month. We have a very good relationship and can talk about pretty much anything. When we do have sex it is usually in the spoons position and quite frankly this is getting boring. She is happy to give oral but not receive, she doesn't like being touched down stairs and it is very frustrating. She is very busy and due to her own less than ideal upbringing is focused on our children and giving them the best. This is real credit to her. I work long hours to provide and always help with all the chores of the house hold.

I don't exactly have a large physique and I know she finds muscly men attractive. I have started at the gym to try and provide her with some extra stimulus that might help her get turned on.

I am just frustrated that we once had a fantastic sex life, we tried all sorts of positions and fun things and I absolutely love going down on her. I know she too wants her libido to improve and wants to get back to a normal sex life. She does her best to accommodate my needs outside of the monthly few day window. We have always had to be careful as although I have a pretty average length penis, it is quite thick and can cause her some discomfort.

Are there others out there with similar situations? is there anything I can do apart from supporting her and awaiting the return of her libido. God knows this goes up and down with both sexes through your life.

Any ides would be appreciated

[Caussie]

I might add that I quite openly talk about my likes, dislikes and fantasies with her. She is very open to listening but shares very little back.

I have tried a lot of things to get through to her. I have given her space, tried discussing it with her. I am toying with the thought of having a 2 month period where I don't bring up sex, talk about it or initiate it in anyway. I am guessing if that does nothing to spark her interest, even if the result is her questioning why, it would be something.

[x.st.angel.x]

Hi Caussie

A lot of men seem to think their penis size is a factor, i do not believe this is true. Us women can be tricky creatures and I do have some advice on your situation.

Firstly if your penis girth is causing her discomfort i suggest buying lube and having that handy.
Have you tried 'wooing' her? I say bring out the candles and massage oil and see i that gets her in the mood but dont push for it let her body language tell you when to make your move.

From personal experience in the past when my ex partners have tried to have sex with me based on the fact thats all the want it turns a woman off and even worse when its brought up it can make a women feel like she is doing something wrong and may push her back further. In the interest of keeping the peace i would give in but still my libido dropped even further. I found that personally what changed this for me was when i met my current partner and he tends to go with the flow and follows my body language to change and spice things up.

Think of what you think turns her on the most and use that to your advantage.

My best advice, dont focus on the negatives but work with the positives.

I hope this makes sense!

-Saint

[time2discover]

Some women take a long time to come out of their shell when it comes to
discussing sex. In society(ok not so much today)all around us showed guys
openly laughing while looking at girls with their buds and girls shyly giggling
and whispering. So imagine for the girl opening up with a man.Feels dirty
sometimes.
I suggest, you might try to find some books or online articles about regular
women discussing their sexual life development. She might be able to relate
and see what she's missing out on. It just might open up the communication
flow. I know it worked for me. We feel horny, we want things we don't always
understand but bluntly putting it on the table, in words, sometimes gives us the
impression we're just like those porn stars.
Hope this can be a little insight on how your wife "might" be seeing things.
Just my personal opinion. Be with her all the way!

[Caussie]

Thanks for the input, its much appreciated.

We do use lube and always have. Before the kids came along our sex life was quite adventurous. She had even initiated a 'virtual' DP with both me and her dildo in her vagina. It just seems that those days have passed, life is stressful and she admits that she rarely, if ever thinks of sex. When she actually does it is one of those rare moments when she is home alone and has an hour or two with nothing on.

Some of your comments drive home to me that fact that the pressure I put on her to think about and get interested in sex actually are doing the reverse. I know she wants to resume a more healthy sex life but my high libido takes over and I a push her to a level outside her comfort zone. I think that is something I might just have to personally get under control and time and patience may make the difference.

I do try and do things for her that I think she will like. Candles, champagne, roses left on each stair as she arrives home, the list goes on.

The only thing I can think of now is to completely back off and see if she comes around herself without me giving any pressure.

[rcoreyus]

Her lack of libido seems the key issue. Any medical issues or drugs that could be causing it? It sounds like she is trying, but for some reason just isn't interested.

[Caussie]

There is no medical or drug issues.

As an update, I have been really trying to give her space with no pressure. When I arrived home last night she told me that she had used her favourite toy during the day. She was home alone with no distractions. I think this must be a good thing as at least she was thinking about it. She said she was told by a doctor some years ago that like any muscle, if you don't use it you lose it....ie: the more you have the more you want it. She has been under a lot of mental stress lately as a family member disappeared some years back and has not been seen since. She has been working to try and locate again which obviously is a mental drain.
I do understand, but I just seem to be last on the list of priorities and it is very frustrating to the point of feeling depressed. I am trying hard to put on the brave face and support her, leave her to her own ways of working through it, but I am just at my wits end. I do not want to leave, I don't want other women and I end up fantasising about her all the time. I am trying to keep busy and suppress my libido but its hard. I have even thought about telling her that she can sleep with other men if she wants that. Its not that I have fantasies about that so much, its more that thought of her being turned on. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[time2discover]

You love her and she loves you right? Putting restraints on yourself are not gonna
help. You need to let her know how bad this is affecting you now. If she's capable
of telling you she played with her toy, you'll be able to get more out of her. Maybe
ask her to write down some simple fantasies on a piece of paper and slowly try to
act them out with her. Just another idea!

[Harmony]

I would try and set aside an amount of time each week, fortnight, or even month where you arrange a babysitter and get an early night and morning together. She'll appreciate the extra sleep and the absence of distractions.

On the days when me and my ex would spend a lot of time with her children I'd be too tired for sex those nights.

[Caregirl]

Maybe it's just me but I find it a bit disrespectful that she uses her 'toy' by herself when she's aware that you are becoming frustrated.

If she's open enough to tell you about that then perhaps she should have called or text you to let you know how she felt and tried to wait for you to get home... either that or you make up some excuse to get away from whatever you were doing and sneak home to be with her.

I guess this is a touchy subject for me because I have always had a higher sex drive than my bfs and I get almost jealous if they masturbate when I'm available... or will be available as soon as I step in the door... If they do it and then aren't in the mood for it later (or weren't in the morning) it's pretty much rage fit time lol.

If she only get's horny when you're out and it's quiet and stress-free (not saying the two are mutually exclusive ofc) but she's releasing it with her toy then she's not showing any self control and, in my opinion, being plain selfish to your needs. She should try WAITING, delaying gratification. Have her think about what she wants to do to YOU when you get home, not what she wants to do to the toy right there and then.

I take it these 'on' times coincide with when children being at school? And I also presume that you work on weekdays and therefore are only home when the kids are too? If you're able maybe take some holiday while your kids are at school, or have them stay with another member of the family over the weekend so you two can just be with each other, totally relaxed and hopefully 'totally relaxed'

Good luck x