[caster]

In my case, my wife admits that she has a problem with her sex drive. She has said that I need to back off and let her come to me when she is ready. I think her using her toy is an attempt by her to find her self again sexually. For that reason I am very happy to hear that she is using it however I don't want to be replaced by it. I am just hoping that the more I ignore my urges to come on to her the more the tables might turn. I never look at other women when we are walking down the street or shopping etc. You see some guys having a good old perv but I don't. I am thinking I might start. I would love to see a reaction. even a bit of jealousy. I know that sound horrible but I need to know that there is some spark there. The one thing I want more than anything is to give her pleasure, turn her on, see her cum with some reaction. I don't even need it reciprocated. Blah blah blah.......................how I wish there was a fix for this. BTW, patience is not my strong point!

I swear I'm not writing under two names here, but it sure looks like it. My wife admits to her problem as well but does nothing about it.
We were talking last night about stuff we'll each do this weekend while I'm out of town, she mentioned a bunch of yard work in her garden, I "nicely" suggested that in the evening she fill the whirlpool tub, light some candles, soak awhile, have some wine and chocolate and retire to bed with one of her toys.
Her snap back reply was: "I don't do that"
I'd almost take getting replaced by her toy if it would just get her aroused again... almost!

[Guest]

hi caster
if she is 51 i may not the right person to discuss this and i shudn't ve used reward too

i just attended to all her need in and out of house, kind words, words of appreciation ( work or beauty etc),

and the ______ is huge ( what u want exactly)

i really dont know

[Caussie]

As an update, things have started to improve. Me backing off has allowed her to come out of shell a little more. The sex has become more regular and there is less stress surrounding it. I sent my wife on a holiday for 10 days with 3 of here girl friends for her birthday. She rang me the other night and told me she has bought a new clit / gspot stimulator for me to use on her as she is not yet ready for me to use my finger/tongue. She gets back in the morning and I'm pretty excited about this. I figure I will let it go for a few days and let her recover from jet lag, get back into some normality. We are then taking a break next week and will have a hotel for a couple of nights with the kids in a separate room.
So now I need some advice from the ladies on here.
The new toy she bought is a short curved gspot vibe with a clit stimulator. Ladies, please help, whats the best technique to use with this thing. I don't want to blow it!!!!

[DreamP346]

Thing about those g spot and clit double stimulator is that you don't have to do anything. Just stick it in and turn it on. They are very effective. Doesn't mean you can't add your own spice to it. You could blindfold her and then tease her with it before really turning it on. Kiss her body while using it. Ask her to use it herself while you watch.

[lissy73]

Sorry to be the one to go against the norm here...but why is it always about sex??? Sure its important in any relationship but by far there are more important things. Like when was the last time you actually did something for your wife that was not sex related or a build up just so you can get laid? I can tell you that she is probably getting older, maybe she is just not interested anymore. She might even be going through menopause. I think you should try and be a little more understanding and stop making it all about you, and your wants and your needs. The poor thing probably has a million things to do all day, kids to look after, a job etc. Maybe she is just tired and worn out and just wants a bit of sleep at night.

I bet she'd love more than anything if you took over her chores for 1 week, to give her some time and space to actually rest and rejuvinate, not have some horny man make it all about him and his P******S.

[Caussie]

lissy73, many thanks for your comment. It actually not all about sex, its the only part of the relationship that is missing.
I would ask that you not jump to conclusions or make wild assumptions. I do more 'chores' around the place than any husband I know. They are not even chores, they are the necessities of living in a marriage with 3 children and busy schedules. I also just sent her on a 10 day holiday to NYC and have worked full time and looked after 3 children. I spend a lot of time doing things for her that have nothing to do with sex and would not change that ever. She is the most special person in my life and I plan on spending the rest of my life with her. All I am trying to seek advice on is to regain the intimacy that has been lacking. Therefore your assumptions are not correct.

[lissy73]

Oh sorry I thought you started a thread because you wanted more sex with your wife?

"In my case, my wife admits that she has a problem with her sex drive. She has said that I need to back off and let her come to me when she is ready"

I think your above quote sums it all up really...

[rcoreyus]

Its natural to judge these situations based on your own experience. Probably you would be very happy to have sex with a partner who was good to you, romantic, shared the work, and did all the other important things in a relationship. You may think that a woman who doesn't want sex with her partner must be missing these things.

If you read various threads here you will see that unfortunately that there are men and women (in about equal numbers) who are not very interested in sex, even if they have a wonderful, romantic loving partner. Some people suffer for years, even decades trying to find a way to fix this. Sometimes it gets better, often it doesn't.

I think that sex is really important in a loving relationship - otherwise it is just friendship. Most people wouldn't want to spend their lives with someone not of the gender they are attracted to. Take your romantic stories, and remove the the sexual interest and they turn to dry sawdust.

Being turned down for sex (without any particular reason) is really hurtful - it is a very painful rejection form someone you love. At the same time in a relationship with very mis-matched sex drives, the person with a lower drive always feels pestered, thinks that everything their partner does is a means for sex.

I was in a relationship with badly mismatched interests for many years - it was awful. Things suddenly improved about 2 years ago and life is completely different - we are both much happier. It isn't just the sex, but that removing that problem just makes the relationship in every way much better. This applies to BOTH of us - sex is not a favor you do for your partner, it is something you do together.


QUOTE=lissy73;351903]Sorry to be the one to go against the norm here...but why is it always about sex??? Sure its important in any relationship but by far there are more important things. Like when was the last time you actually did something for your wife that was not sex related or a build up just so you can get laid? I can tell you that she is probably getting older, maybe she is just not interested anymore. She might even be going through menopause. I think you should try and be a little more understanding and stop making it all about you, and your wants and your needs. The poor thing probably has a million things to do all day, kids to look after, a job etc. Maybe she is just tired and worn out and just wants a bit of sleep at night.

I bet she'd love more than anything if you took over her chores for 1 week, to give her some time and space to actually rest and rejuvinate, not have some horny man make it all about him and his P************************S.[/QUOTE]

[JonDoe]

The only thing I can think of now is to completely back off and see if she comes around herself without me giving any pressure.

You can try that if you like, but I wouldn't recommend it. I've been with my wife 24 years - 2 years dating and 22 years of marriage. The wedding cake killed her libido, and our sex life has never been the same. Having two children drove her libido even lower. Over the years, I tried everything including communication, books, counseling, sex toys, adventure, setting the mood, acts of kindness, building sexual tension, backing off and letting her come to me, and offering her pleasure with no strings attached, but nothing has made a difference.

When ever I have tried the so called "backing off and letting her come to me", we went from 1 or 2 times a month to 3 or 4 times a year, and those times I was the one that initiated.

She enjoys sex very much when we have it and I always make sure she orgasms first, but getting her in the mood is a real challenge. The planets need to be in total alignment for her to be in the mood. I believe she associates sex as a reward for wining and dining her; however, this usually backfires too. When I plan a date night, she will inevitably eat and drink too much, and then when we get home she will push me away saying she is too full or too drunk to have sex, and is aggravated with me for even trying to be intimate. I can't win for losing.

My best advice to you is talk to her about it in terms of how it makes you feel, not in terms of what she is or isn't doing. And above all else, don't think that marriage will solve this problem. You have been together for 3 years, so perhaps she thinks it is time for you to propose marriage, but don't fall for that trap until this issue has been resolved. Trust me and some of the other posters here, spending the rest of your life with a partner whose libido differs greatly from your own can be a form of torture.

[Stillness]

Are there others out there with similar situations? is there anything I can do apart from supporting her and awaiting the return of her libido.

My situation is similar. Sounds like you have a good woman. Why only spooning for you? That seems an odd choice. Does she give you a reason? My wife says that my fingers hurt her. She'll often have to "heal" for days if my hands touch her directly.

It's 13 years for us. We don't have any kids. We've recently tried scheduling with moderate success. We've been doing it a little more, but not much. At first it was a lot more (like from 2-3 times to 9-10 the first month), but it's no fun doing it just because it's scheduled with an unwilling partner. It's not as bad as I imagined though.

I just can't wrap my mind around it. The other night was a "sex night" I thought we'd skip again, but my wife came into our office and asked me to come to bed. She was on fire. I asked her what got into her and she said she needed it. I honestly didn't know she got horny until then. It gives me hope. Then, last night (another sex night) I playfully asked her how she wants it. She hesitated and gave an answer which really means she doesn't. It's even more frustrating because at least if I'm not trying and don't have an expectation, then I'm not getting shot down.

Like you I'm not the most muscular (actually I am but it's under layers fat). I working on it, but I've never been skinny, including when we were dating. I wonder if getting in better shape will make a difference. It would be bittersweet if it does.