[caster]

Wife and I's sex life has been deminished greatly the last couple of years, but I do my best to keep things going and interesting. The latter part of last year it got to be almost begging to get her to have sex, and then it was only to pacify me. Fast forward to this year, typical new year resolutions, and hers was to do better. Nothing has changed but she keeps saying "I'm trying to be better" with a smile on her face like that makes it so.
Last night I decided to have a calm coversation about it. I finally asked "What exactly are you "trying" to be better?", which got a "what do you want me to do?" answer.
I was suprised I kept my cool and I only answered, "don't answer my question with a question, what are your trying?" then I got absolutely no answer, nothing! Which means she's only saying "I'm trying" and not actually doing anything about it.
I've shown her various things online to read, such as topics online that address it, pointed out we're not the only couple to go through this, talked about things we can try. But it's basiaclly a mind set to have more sex, which she has no desire to change her mindset. Sex is when I want it and she'll accomodate if she feels like it, has the time, etc...

Her only comment was that she thinks I think she should have 2-3 orgasms a week and she's just not into it that much. In reality she's only interested in sex that results in her orgasm about once every 3 months but will have intercourse about 2-3 times a month that is mainly for me, she just doesn't care. What I don't get is she really, really enjoys sex when she lets go, and while I don't expect the "let go big O" sex from her 3 times a week, once or twice a month would be a drastic improvement, and intercourse 4-5 times a month with a few of those being initiated by her, or at least sincere interest on her part is all I'm looking for.

What really ****es me off is when I've finally had enough of this BS, like right now, she'll get all clingy, say's she doesn't want to lose me, (I've never said anything to make her think I would leave) then she'll initiate sex more that I can tell is not sincere and the cycle repeats itself. I'm just fed up with the games.
I now understand why men have affairs. We've been together for 30 years and for the first time last night it actually crossed my mind.

[time2discover]

Tell her all of this, it might give her a wake up call. I wish my husband had been so direct
before it was too late.
She also needs to know it's her you want all the way but that you really need the sex like
a vibrant human being. The pleasure for both is a part of it. You love her completely and
she needs to do the same. Hope it helps!

P.S. Have you ever asked her what she thinks of sex or how she sees it?

[Stillness]

I hear you. I'm there with you. I get affairs too. As a boy and a younger man I was pretty judgemental because I am and have always been a one-woman man. But marriage opened my eyes. I'm determined not to do that, but I have told my wife about my concerns and repeating patterns that are laid down in both our families.

The other thing I've determined not to do is beg. I've figured out that keeping my dignity is more important than having sex to me. I begged once before we were married 15 years ago and I still regret it. I don't exactly have to beg now because she doesn't turn me down, but sometimes it's like pulling teeth so I just go without.

The thing I'm dealing with is trying to still be a good husband even though our relationship is lacking on a very basic level. It's hard not to neglect her desires in other aspects of our life when I'm walking around with a loaded weapon.

I don't have anything to add but shared misery. Sorry.

[caster]

P.S. Have you ever asked her what she thinks of sex or how she sees it?

Not exactly in that way but I will ask her just that, and I want her to think about it for awhile, then answer.
What does sex mean to you? how important? and what do you think it means and how important it is to a marriage?

Can't get more direct than that.
Problem is she'll read ten times what I'm asking into it. But it's gotta be asked.

[Sunlight72]

It sounds like she is not feeling much attraction to you. Do you do much outside of the house?

Too much time in each other's space can be an intimacy killer (oddly, I know. It's illogical, but T.R.U.E.).

I would encourage you to find other fun things to do - by yourself, and with her too - outside of your relationship. Things where your attention is focused away from your own faces & bodies. Where you don't look too much at each other and don't talk too much.

Talking when you're back home is good - but you really need to spend some time with other people (you alone, and her alone, and you two both). She may be feeling like her world is only as big as you and her, which is too small for her.

She needs to see and hear about you interacting with other people and the outside world, and she needs to feel like she might miss out on some fun if she doesn't invite herself into your company.

Don't do anything nefarious or secret - tell her when ever you're going, and what and who you'll be spending time doing. Just give her and yourself some reminders that you are fun and enjoying life outside of your relationship, and then be ready to enjoy some time together when it comes around.

Best Wishes,
Sunlight

[time2discover]

For a long time because of my upbringing and my little experience, I thought sex was
a one way street. I always figured it was about the man finishing and considered myself
more as a tool. Until I found these forums and listened to other men speak of wanting to
satisfy their partners as much, I never thought it could be so beautiful. And it wasn't
because I wasn't attracted to my husband or didn't have a good libido. I just didn't
understand most of it or see it in a good way. People around us and society tend to
make it into a dirty thing for the woman and realising that's not true can be difficult
sometimes. It will take time, but give her the chance to discover herself through your
love and understanding and hopefully she will see it's just as great an experience for
her as it is for you. Don't give up on her like my husband did!

[caster]

Sunlight, I've been telling her just that for awhile now. We both need some alone time. I get mine and I'm around other people, she doesn't other than work. Her alone time is when I'm gone. I'm trying to get her to go away for a weekend to stay with her friend. I think she's aware of to much togetherness now. I keep telling her I can be her husband, lover, confidant, but I can't also be her BFF and only friend, that's asking to much of a marital relationship.
She's always been a loner, but had a close but small family. Over that past several years she's lost the remainder of her family and hasn't made an effort to fill the void. Again, she's aware but won't make the effort or see the connection in how it affects us.

t2d, We had a nice talk this past weekend, not sure we made much headway, but I told her while I have no desire to cheat or leave I now understand how it happens and I didn't want us to become one of those couples. She did seem to understand that.

[time2discover]

I'm glad you had the conversation. It could take some time and reminding(in good ways)
for her to see the light. Hopefully she will start working on this for herself and both
of you. Keep the communication open.

[Trisha23]

Tell her what you exactly want like what you are writing in here. Why don't you have a vacation for a second honeymoon and do things just like the old times.

[caster]

What we need is seperate vacations for a change. We do almost everything together at home, and when we're away together, and I think that leads to lack of appreciation and physical desire, turns us into roomates and friends rather than husband and wife. Being apart makes you want to get back to the other person, you appreciate the little things rather than get annoyed by them, the first night back together is almost like make up sex. Everything is comfy and cozy back in your on little world.

Our next vacation is actually our 30th anniversary, we'll do something special together no doubt, but I think Sunlight hit it dead on with the "too much togetherness kills the intimacy", and to a point the attractiveness since you see each other for better or worse every single day.

I'm sure a lot of people think, "if he's gone he'll find someone else or run around" when in fact it's generally the opposite. I love my wife, I love my life, I have no desire to even attempt to be with another woman, and we trust each other totally.
I'm hoping she'll go see her friend out of state for several days. Will I go out clubbing? Strip Clubs? Hell no, I doubt I'll do go anywhere, I'm gone for a weekend every couple of months as it is, but, it's been over a year since I've had even a single day at home alone, I need that, she gets those weekends alone and enjoys them, only after explaining a lot of this to her does she understand why I want and need it as well for my own sanity, but I can't make her go, she's content to stay home not realizing how much it stifles me and builds up resentment, to always, everyday, have someone under foot at home without a moments alone time at home. A few days without hearing her chatter-natter about whatever will be a quiet blessing, and by the time she gets home and starts chattering again I'll realize how much I missed that about her.

Sorry for the long post, typing it out is theraputic.
Getting a little off topic too but everything we do usually ties back in to what's bothering us and right now it's lack of physical desire and intimacy on her part and needing some seperation time on my part.