[SaraSmile]

hey i know how you feel
just recently i confronted my husband(of 1 yr) and he says that its natural to masterbate and the reason some men (married/commited men) watch porn is just for stimulation.
He says there are no relations b/w the porn and what they are watching they just need to "stimulate them"
This really hurts me..just like you i thought i was fullfilling his desires whatever he wanted but i dont get why does he have to watch this stuff or masterbate if whatever we do is enough.
I tottaly feel you on this.
I just feel so down and have no self confidence b/c it makes me feel like im doing something wrong ot not good enough for him.
He swears he loves me and is attracted to me and married me b/c of all of those things and more but i dont get why he has to look * porn.
It makes no sense to me.
I wanted to tell you i understand how you feel.

Thanks.....and, of course, I understand how you feel too. I guess we just have to hope they aren't addicted to porn. Otherwise, I guess we have to try to understand them and believe that it is *nothing*, something they need to do. But I would be aware and pay attention to whether you think it is an addiction or not....Does he do it everyday? Every chance he gets? To me, that is when it becomes a little excessive.....IMO.

[PeaceofMind]

hey i know what you mean there is a fine line b/w addiction -- or just once in a while..
As far as i knowand can tell he does it only once in a while maybe a few times a month....but im not sure about that b/c at this point im at home alot studying for my board exams so maybe the fact that im around he doesnt do it as often.
I found that he was doing it one night after i had fallen asleep and things like that really disturb me b/c we are there for our men and i would get up and do whatever it takes to make him happy...but i just dont get it.
Yeah im going to pay closer attention to how often he does it or whatever i see on his computer...
Yeah the everyday thing is excessive..
are things better b/w you and your boyfriend & have you resolved things..
i really hope you both do and ge ta chance to talk.
I felt alot better after atleast talking to my husband and trying to hear his side of the story....i have to try to believe him but its still hard b/c i find it hard to believe he or any man can seperate just masturbation from watching porn and actually liking what he watches..
its disturbing
but it helps to know there are other women going through similar things
all we can do is try to trust them and pay attention to things.
thanks again .
take care

[SaraSmile]

hey i know what you mean there is a fine line b/w addiction -- or just once in a while..
As far as i knowand can tell he does it only once in a while maybe a few times a month....but im not sure about that b/c at this point im at home alot studying for my board exams so maybe the fact that im around he doesnt do it as often.
I found that he was doing it one night after i had fallen asleep and things like that really disturb me b/c we are there for our men and i would get up and do whatever it takes to make him happy...but i just dont get it.
Yeah im going to pay closer attention to how often he does it or whatever i see on his computer...
Yeah the everyday thing is excessive..
are things better b/w you and your boyfriend & have you resolved things..
i really hope you both do and ge ta chance to talk.
I felt alot better after atleast talking to my husband and trying to hear his side of the story....i have to try to believe him but its still hard b/c i find it hard to believe he or any man can seperate just masturbation from watching porn and actually liking what he watches..
its disturbing
but it helps to know there are other women going through similar things
all we can do is try to trust them and pay attention to things.
thanks again .
take care

I can't say it is totally resolved. I have to play it by ear here. Right now, I am trying to believe him that it is not something he actually "looks forward to" like I began to think. He says it's just once in a while for stress relief, and, as a man, does use the porno because he likes the visual stimulation. It's hard to understand totally- as a woman. But I do understand better now. It is good, as you say, to talk it through. At first, my man was very resistent to talking about it...until he saw how serious and how upset I was. When they tell us nothing, we imagine all kinds of things....It's scarey. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing!...but I will continue to follow these threads and may comment more....
Oh, and I hate that middle of the night BS too! ICK! You feel like they are sneaking around....

[amom]

Let me throw this out - how different would it be and would you feel different if he was masturbating without watching or using porn?

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Well, I'm not really suprised that people took offence at my post, I'm blunt... And hey, you asked for candid advice.

That said, nothing I said was a lie.

Also, I'm not bitter, at least not that bitter. And I know that generalisations are bad etc etc. and that not everything is the same for everyone. I know that.

I was just trying to equate one personal embarressing issue to another, and bring up a comparable lack of understanding.

For the record, I think you're totally wrong. I know you might feel something, and you'll find plenty of people here to "enable" your feelings. But all of these masturbation threads generally turn into a women hating and disrespecting men threads. And not even trying to understand and accept their men for what they are without crusading to change them, and confront them about embarressing issues that are best left dormant.


Oh, and the stuff that's going on in someones head when they're masturbating is likely worse than what's on the screen, so even if you get rid of the porn your still just hiding from an issue that isn't going to change, and fooling yourself into thinking it is. In my opinion, I'm sure I'll be told I'm wrong.

[SaraSmile]

Let me throw this out - how different would it be and would you feel different if he was masturbating without watching or using porn?

Sorry I am delayed in answering this message. I didn't realize there were more responses/messages under this thread. Amom, I would say it does make it worse that he was/would be watching the porno alone. I felt jealous like it was a vague, milder form of cheating than actually cheating. Know what I mean?

[SaraSmile]

Well, I'm not really suprised that people took offence at my post, I'm blunt... And hey, you asked for candid advice.

That said, nothing I said was a lie.

Also, I'm not bitter, at least not that bitter. And I know that generalisations are bad etc etc. and that not everything is the same for everyone. I know that.

I was just trying to equate one personal embarressing issue to another, and bring up a comparable lack of understanding.

For the record, I think you're totally wrong. I know you might feel something, and you'll find plenty of people here to "enable" your feelings. But all of these masturbation threads generally turn into a women hating and disrespecting men threads. And not even trying to understand and accept their men for what they are without crusading to change them, and confront them about embarressing issues that are best left dormant.


Oh, and the stuff that's going on in someones head when they're masturbating is likely worse than what's on the screen, so even if you get rid of the porn your still just hiding from an issue that isn't going to change, and fooling yourself into thinking it is. In my opinion, I'm sure I'll be told I'm wrong.

Anonymous, I am not sure who you are addressing this message to...but I will answer. I am really trying to understand my SO and talk to him because I want our relationship to work. Perhaps he is thinking of far worse things in his head....maybe the porn is the more benign thing. Do all men cheat in their minds- fantasize about women they see in their daily life???? I really want to know. I really do not fantasize about men I see in daily life. I may say to myself...'That guy thinks I am hot' or something like that....I may think things....but I do not fantasize about sex with random people and/or masturbate to it. Are men so different??? I guess. My SO *tells* me that the porno is visual stimulation....just watching sex to get turned on in order to either masturbate or have sex. He would never even recognize those women on the street, even if he came face to face with them, he says...and he is not looking at their faces.

[Fallen1]

Well, I'm not really suprised that people took offence at my post, I'm blunt... And hey, you asked for candid advice.

Yes, women come here for advice, a place to talk out things that bother them and yes they ask for the guys responses so that maybe they will have a better understanding - I know I have. But have you ever thought that maybe your opinions would be better received if you gave them in a way that seemed as though you truly were sincere in helping these ladies? The "boo hoo's", "blah blah's", "get over it's" really don't help any.

I know I receive advice/opinions in a better light when they are given in sincerity.

.... but that's just my .02 .... shrug

[ChelseaRenee]

Yes, women come here for advice, a place to talk out things that bother them and yes they ask for the guys responses so that maybe they will have a better understanding - I know I have. But have you ever thought that maybe your opinions would be better received if you gave them in a way that seemed as though you truly were sincere in helping these ladies? The "boo hoo's", "blah blah's", "get over it's" really don't help any.

I know I receive advice/opinions in a better light when they are given in sincerity.

.... but that's just my .02 .... shrug

EXACTLY. Your opinions would be a lot better received if you were more understanding of women's feelings while you give them. Which should be the bare minimum of what you're doing, considering you ARE on a Women's Health message board. That's not to say you can't give your honest opinion, but doing so a little more nicely would probably make people a heck of a lot more receptive to you.

[rcoreyus]

Do all men cheat in their minds- fantasize about women they see in their daily life???? I really want to know. I really do not fantasize about men I see in daily life..

A different't man's point of view: It is very difficult to generalize, but some (many? most?) men do fantasize about women they see, women in movies and stories, etc. I'll admit it, I do. In fact I have fantasies (and not just erotic) that would be quite shocking to some. But - they are just fantasies. I have the view that one's own mind is private.

Additional info: I never fantasize about someone else when I am with my wife. I do often fantasize about my wife when I am not with her.

I am aware that some women have fairly shocking fantasies as well.


PS: hope I got the partial quote of the original post correct.