[stigggger]

My first post and what a sorry tale to tell.

So my wife and I have been together about 8 years and we’ve had a pretty mediocre sex life since day 1. It’s not that we don’t both enjoy sex, rather that I’ve had issues of performance anxiety and other hang ups that have rendered our sex life fairly passionless – few and far between have been the passion-filled nights, but there have been some I’m glad to say.

I’ve got a massive (excuse the pun) hang up about the size of my penis, this is compounded by the knowledge that it does not satisfy my wife, in fact it leaves her feeling very disappointed – me being smaller than the norm (both in length and girth), and she unfortunately being slightly larger (than many of my past partners) and 2 children have also all but destroyed her muscles.

We’ve had our ups and downs and right now are communicating about things much more openly than ever before – basically because we reached crisis point in our marriage. So recently we’ve had open and frank conversations about our sex life. She has said to me, “I desperately miss sex that I’ve had before”, “I long for a large penis”, “I miss really deep, hard sex”, “I long for the sex from my past”, but she says that she walked into our marriage knowing that our sexual compatibility was a weak point and that she knows she has to live with that, my other qualities far outweighed the sexual incompatibility and she now wants to raise her children in a ‘complete family’. She also says that “if she stays with me her days of sexual fulfilment are most probably over”.

Clearly I cannot get a bigger penis. I worry that my wife will have an affair (she’s never been unfaithful but has dated married men before we wed).

I feel so scared, so crushed when she told me these things, so hurt and helpless. Now I just feel resigned to a life of fear of the future, like I’m holding a ticking time bomb.

One good thing is that we are now communicating about sex, we’ve laid our cards on the table and have agreed to try and ‘relearn’ sex with each other – start back at basics and try to rebuild a confidence and mutual understanding of each other’s needs (that we can work with within my limitations)… but I’m still so caught up in the whole penis size thing as I know, no matter what, there is nothing I can do in that regard – it eats me up, waiting for the day she walks out that door.

Not sure there is any advice anyone can give, but at least this is out there now…

I re read this and see nothing but when, not if my worst case fears happen…

They say that men think about sex 19 times a day, well I’m pretty sure I replay her words in my head double that a day…

Some would say “buck your ideas, you’re not a child, get on with it and ‘man-up’” but the mind is a powerful weapon, especially when used against oneself!

[Obelisk]

You can get a bigger penis. It just takes some specific exercises and a lot of time. I've been doing penile enhancement for the past 5 months and have gained so far about 0.3", bringing me from 5.5" to 5.8". My goal is to reach 7" hopefully in another year.

What are your measurements if you don't mind me asking? I'm just curious because it sounds like your wife has a big hang up on your equipment, and I feel your pain completely and want to offer you hope.

The rest of it is communication I think. And I know I'm sick of being told to "man up" myself, trust me.

[stigggger]

Penis size is clearly an issue, but it is my insecurity and fears that led me to being an under-confident lover in this relationship which led to a passionless sex life… and therefore my wife’s lack of satisfaction… whilst the penis is the root of my psychological problems it is not the sole factor in our poor sex life. Some might argue that if we got the rest of the sex-life thing sorted the ‘size’ issue might pale into insignificance.

I left a page open on the iPad browser looking at traction penis enlargers, the only proven method (that I know of) and she went berserk, was really mad and said I was stupid for even thinking of these things!

Putting my measurements up here is pointless, I could have a 3 inch penis that satisfies my small, tight wife or a 7 inch penis that doesn’t satisfy my huge gaping wife… so I don’t want to get into a measurements discussion!

[Obelisk]

lol she got mad at you for wanting to get a bigger tool for her?

I don't know dude, she has no right to say "I miss my ex's huge penis" to you, and then get mad that you are now grasping at straws to try to gain some size.

Anyway I ask about your size particularly because I'm curious as to whether your belief in your lack of size really is a physical issue or psychological.

I've read stories of guys with 7" peckers that some biatch tells them they are tiny and it breaks them to the point of a nervous breakdown. And here I am aspiring to at least have what they have lol.

So if you are 6" you are normal, 40% of guys are in that range, myself included. If you're bigger than that you got no worries, and I would put the blame on your wife completely if this were the case. If you are smaller than 5", ok I could see that being an issue.

Bottom line, you say your insecurities and fears are getting you to be an under confident lover.

Do me a favour and list them. You size is one, list others as well.

A traction device is exactly what I'm using, but you pretty much have to wear it all the time, and the gains are slow. But it's incredibly safe compared to other methods.

[Stillness]

Have you tried kegels or benwa balls? What are the other issues?

[stigggger]

Wife has tried kegels yes, but due to lack of interest in what is a unsatisfying sex life she’s lost interest in using anything to tone up down there.

So my fears/lack of confidence emanated through our sex life meant that I came across as under confident in the bedroom – a complete turn off to my wife (unsurprisingly) – she walked straight from secretive exciting sex with a married man to an under-confident lover.

Combine the lack of confidence to poor communication in the bedroom meant that we have ended up in a very stale routine. Sex is the same old format every time and to be honest fulfils neither of us. We have both ended up not knowing how to turn the other on, or even how to touch each other anymore – it’s like we’re strangers in bed – hence the sentiment that our sex life could be broken beyond repair. Neither of us is happy about it. The fact that neither of us knows how to satisfactorily stimulate and enjoy the other is depressing to say the least!

Everything feels so broken…

[Stillness]

It took my wife and I almost 13 years before we connected sexually the way we are now. Our problems were different and even now it's not perfect, but we never stopped communicating. That was what finally got us to where we are. There were some painful truths shared. Tears were shed. We both had to develop some character. But we're doing much better.

Some people just seem to hit it off right away in the bedroom. Others have to work on it. No two people are perfectly compatible in every way. So every couple has to work at things. I think that time, keeping the lines of communication open, and not giving up will get you there. I think you can do it by yourselves and I'm fairly averse to professional help, but it may not be a bad way to go.

The fact that you didn't make this a measurements discussion says a lot about your wisdom. The fact that your wife doesn't want you obsessing over doing something that probably won't work and might hurt you says a lot about hers. You can get things going. It's just a matter of having the will to figure it out and follow through.

[jns]

Have you discussed using a strap on dildo to satisfy her? Is she willing to accommodate an effort put forth from the heart, or is she just wanting you to be larger? The nice thing about a dildo is that it stays hard no matter what is going on in your head. All that you have to do is put in the effort and the time. Also, is her giving you oral a part of your sex life? That should take care of your size.

[rcoreyus]

Intercourse is just one part of lovemaking and it sounds like neither of you is enjoying the rest. You need to find a way to communicate what you enjoy in bed - if you know yourselves. You need something to break out of a dull routine. Sex therapist? Erotic movies? Erotic books? Something to give both of you ideas.

The small penis issue (if true) is minor. If she really wants to find out what a large penis feels like you can get a large toy, or even try fisting. Again, actual intercourse is just one part of sex, there should be lots of other things you can do for each other.

[atskitty2]

I'm hearing so much discouragement and almost hopelessness in your comments. But you two are communicating and becoming more open so I think you have a lot of hope and should be encouraged that she is looking to solve this problem with you, not seeking out that fulfillment elsewhere, and neither are you.

I agree with Stillness that it takes time, and constant, honest, full disclosure of needs and desires to build a fulfilling sex life-or any other component of the relationship.
I also agree that this may be helped by introducing new concepts into the sexual routine. Change it up and surprise her with some idea to try....whatever...
And I'm also glad that you, at least to some extent, recognize that it isn't YOU. There's nothing wrong with you, or your penis, and there's nothing wrong with her either. It is just a matter of finding what works to satisfy you both. That's accomplished thru communications and honesty, and you're on that path.