[Stillness]

Maybe it's because of some mental block like Lady Syrinx was describing. In his eyes you want too much sex, or your not doing enough X or too much Y. I don't get it either, but if it's there and you can expose it, then maybe you can start to move forward. Or maybe he's just lazy.

[JonDoe]

I think it is equally difficult regardless of gender; however, there are some important differences.

As a guy any form of intimacy with my wife is the only moment of true tenderness that I am able to experience. When I was younger, I naively thought it was all about the sex (intimacy = sex), but over the years I began to recognize how much I crave the tenderness, and the profound calming affect it has on me and the beast within, which is otherwise ruled and fueled by testosterone. I experienced similar inner peace when my boys were younger and it was still socially acceptable to hold them in my arms and hug them. The excitement in their voices and pure joy in their eyes when I came home from work was more than enough to melt away whatever I had to deal with that day, and made it all worthwhile. Now they are young men, and I still make a point to hug them and tell them that I am proud, but the opportunities are fewer and those moments are awkward for them at their current age.

Women have many opportunities for moments of tenderness outside of marriage. My wife hugs friends and people at work all the time. Emotions and words encouragement are shared on a daily basis. She has several girlfriends that she talks to at least twice a day, and each time she tells them that she loves them, and it is genuine. Guys don't do this.

It is difficult when you have a tough day at work, come home and your wife would rather curl up on the couch with the dogs, and refuses all forms of intimacy. Guys are built tough, we do well for a period of time, but then after a while you start noticing a chink in the armor. You start becoming grumpy, then irritable, and before you know it there are more tough days than good days. Everyone wants something from you, but no one wants to give anything in return.

For me, I start working longer hours because I don't want to be at home, but I don't really want to be at work either, and going to the bar would be like pouring fuel on the fire. You feel lost, trapped and hopeless. Then the planents align to provide a few genuine intimate moments, there is renewed hope, and the vicious cycle repeats itself.

What she goes through lines up with my relationship in many places. Confusion, self-doubt, having that feeling of hopefulness after a night of lovemaking only to be crushed by long frustrating, periods of lack - it's universal. I don't wish it on anyone.

Well said. And I don't know about others, but I feel pathetic when I share my feelings with regard to this personal marriage issue. Some people immediately assume the guy must be a lousy lover or have a micro-penis

[jen1447]

sp, is it possible that your "must be in control" mindset is throwing your guy for a loop? I don't specifically mean sexually necessarily, just that if he was feeling cowed that might affect his attitude. Pride and all that.

[Stillness]

I regularly share expressions of love, encouragement, and hugs with close friends and family, both male and female. My brothers, father, grandfather, uncles, male cousins and I all tell each other, "I love you," regularly. I've said this to friends too.

I don't think it's unmanly to express emotions with others. I know different cultures and families may have different ways of doing this, but I don't think it's healthy to deny yourself human connection. We all need love and encouragement.

What I do think is unmanly is not kicking the dogs off of your couch. No one comes between my wife and I. Not family, not friends, not congregation - no one. There's no way I'd let an animal lay in my place beside my woman. I'd throw it off and if it kept happening I'd remove them from my home. I wouldn't ask for permission or give warning, I'd simply do it.

I'm not forcing anyone to love me the way I want to be loved if they don't want it. There's no dishonor in that. It doesn't have anything to do with penis size or attentiveness in the bedroom. But there's no way on God's green earth that I'd watch someone else get my lovin' while I'm standing off to the side.

[Lady Syrinx]

This is the thing I'd like to understand. How do some people with low libidos justify their lack of interest? How does the other partner get to be the one at fault? In my experience, this is worse than the lack of sex because it gives someone who's already been rejected reason to doubt themselves even more.

I think that the moment when my wife and I really started to move forward was when I opened my eyes to the fact that people simply have differences in libido. I decided that I wasn't blaming her, but I wasn't going to be blamed anymore either and I wasn't chasing anymore carrots on a stick. When I told her, it was like I could see the lightbulb go on over her head. She had really fooled herself and me, I think.

She's one of the most honest people I know, but I guess that when she was trying to figure out what was wrong, her mind rested on the answer that it must be me. How does one get to that point?

Stillness.

I think that situations like yours and JohnDoe's are what this thread was supposed to be about. Not mine since my loss of libido could be changed in a relative simple way. it went on far longer than it should've.

I think I may need to clarify a bit, my main justification was " The meds caused this." The resentments creept in over years. I had a decent sex drive prior to the meds. I don't think either of us expected the what the Lexapro did. We knew there would some loss of sex drive/response. It rendered me essentially asexual. I rarely even kissed my husband. I had no sexual attraction for anyone, I couldn't even find actors, etc attractive.

At first he completely accepted the idea that it was the meds. But as time went on, I suppose it simply became less and less believable. He thought I was using it as a cover for not some other reason. Since it was the only reason I ever gave he felt it necessary to come up with his own reasons. And it was probably easy for him to say "There must be a problem with me." So the self doubt/blame began on his part.

[DreamP346]

sp, is it possible that your "must be in control" mindset is throwing your guy for a loop? I don't specifically mean sexually necessarily, just that if he was feeling cowed that might affect his attitude. Pride and all that.

I don't know. He seemed fine with things for the first 3 years of our relationship. He actually always found strong women attractive. He hated women who didn't have an opinion or always waited for the guy to make a move. Also, our relationship is pretty equal. I control the household, he controls the finances.

[jen1447]

I understand. Do you still let him have his little victories on neutral ground, like driving the car and stuff like that?

[Lady Syrinx]

Maybe it's because of some mental block like Lady Syrinx was describing. In his eyes you want too much sex, or your not doing enough X or too much Y. I don't get it either, but if it's there and you can expose it, then maybe you can start to move forward. Or maybe he's just lazy.

I've always thought physical and mental. Physical because the meds eliminated my ability to orgasm as well as most of my ability to feel anything from sex. I've often wondered how much of the loss was real and how much was the "placebo effect." My physical state then created a warped reality in which i thought my husband was oversexed because I thought I was getting by fine with limited to no sex. What I didn't realize was that I wasn't "getting by" I was losing my intimacy with my husband. I neglected to see that how important sexual intimacy is to a marriage.
.

[Linay]

I have the same issue with my boyfriend I love him to death but one of our biggest issues is sex. I have a very high and healthy sex drive and he does not. It is literally destroying my relationship and self esteem. I literally have to beg and cry to get him to have sex with me, I feel so pathetic and low about it. At this point I am stopping to care about it at all. I have tried everything because I love kinky and do dirty things, he would get into it for a while and has a decent appetite for sex but other times he falls under the period where he does not want any sex. Since I am a very kinky girl I am always up for any sexual adventures with me at any given time. Often I feel it is only one sided that I am the one who gets stranded and it is me who has to wait on his mood. Sometimes it does not even depend on me and he just is not in the mood and cannot get no matter how hard I try. I often left crying extremely dissappointed, frustered with lack of any esteem at all. Once in a while he also cums very early and it makes things worse especially when it took so much to get it aroused. He has always been shy about sex and pretty much very inexperienced almost a virgil status when I met him. I got him to open up a lot about it and made him feel more comfortable with it. He had opportunities with other girls before me but he pretty much passed them all because he was not feeling secure about it. He gotten better with time the lack of experience does not define everything. He is a very sensual lover he likes to touch and foreplay he is more aroused seeing me aroused, but we often hit a snag with the fact that I love to have sex more often than he does. It makes me feel so much better, I feel radiant glowing and just happier after sex. He isn't gay I watched varies movies for my own enjoyment and curiosity and he does not take any appeal in men but a woman with another woman on another hand he does like. I have always wanted experiences with women now a days more often than ever due to always being sexually frustrated and I have begged for a threesome for years now. First of all it took me just one year to get him to agree and feel comfortable with idea. I often contemplate whatever this idea would a good or a bad thing in a long time. I know for sure that I have this experience 100% and that I will regret it forever if I do not. Sex for me is very important but to my partner it is not. He thinks that I am ridiculous to get so upset over sex because he does not understand it, but he is also feels very bad for hurting me. Sometimes he just gives me the same excuse of not being in that period of time to want sex and I am tired of casting my own needs for a man aside. He tells me that I am needy and that I can chill myself and not want it much. I always tell him that at this point I won't care for it at all. I feel that my own needs are left unsatisfied while I am suppose to wait there for him to get in a mood. It can be confusing sometimes he have gone from having sex everyday for months to sometimes not even having sex for a week or so. He starts to complain when I close within myself and keep my distance. He wants me to accept his "no" and be happy about it, obviously it changes my mood intimacy is very important to me and the lack of it makes me distant and cold. I just do not know what to do but I am so very sad frustrated and angry I feel so low because I feel so bad that I am this way. There are many guys who would a girl like me I am open minded to any experiences and I am up for it any time just as long as I love this person with my whole heart maybe this is also my issue but sex with strangers never seemed like my cup of a tea I like being in a committed relationship, sadly even that is going to drain. I feel that I am not appreciated in a sexual way instead I feel that I am just taken for granted because for him I will always be there wanting sex. I am sorry to rank but I need to vent I love my man but this issue always comes up with us and I have no clue what to do or how to handle it anymore.

[JonDoe]

Linay, let me start by saying I genuinely feel your pain. I have wasted the best years of my life hoping my wife will become a less selfish lover, but it hasn't happened yet, and we have been together for more than two decades. If he doesn't love you enough to want to please you a few times a week, then RUN. FAST. And don't look back. However, don't have an unrealistic expectation that he is suddenly going to change and want sex as much as you do.

It is unfortunate, but the lower libido partner controls the frequency of sex and the more conservative partner controls what happens in the bedroom. Most of the time, the lower libido partner is also more conservative. If this is a deal breaker for you, then start planning your next move sooner rather than later, lest you have serious regrets and resentment like me and others in similar long-term relationships. Long-term rejection from the one you truly love is devastating. Don't let anyone try to tell you any different.

Even thought you are not married, I recommend reading a book titled "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. The book covers both sides of the sexless relationship, perhaps your boyfriend may be open to reading it after you. After I read the book and asked my wife to read it, she read a few dozen pages and threw the book away, which says way more about her than the book. I nearly cried when I started reading the book, and I am generally not an emotional person, because it so clearly identified and acknowledged want I was suffering through. I first read the book seven years ago and I'm actually planning to read it again this week.