[Avatar Nirvana]

At least that is what my boyfriend says. We agreed I do the tying because I feel if I can't break free during sex, I feel like I'm being raped. Also, I'm much smaller than him (I'm 4'11", he is 6'), so I know I will be helpless. He totally respects that and won't bring it up. The thing is, I always viewed it as torture. How many times have you heard killers tying up their victim and rape/kill them? Maybe I read too much about serial killers. I have a couple of questions that I hope will ease my feelings.

What really is "very light" bondage? Because all I've seen is the stuff that is in 50 Shades of Grey.
Is this normal?
Does it prove that I love him?
I'm a shy person, so how can I be the "dominant" role"?
How do I hide the tethers so our parents won't find out?
I don't have bedposts, so how should I do this?

Thank you all for your help and not judging us for our method of trying this out.

[rcoreyus]

First of all, if you don't want to do this, don'! Neither of you will enjoy yourselves if you don't like what is going on. If you do play this way, you must have a "safe word". That is a word that EITHER person can say to end the game. "Red". works well. During play the "bottom" can be begging and pleading, (all in play), but if they say "red", the game ends instantly. In (rare) cases the "top" may want to say the safeword if they are disturbed by what is going on. Under no conditions whatsoever should a safeword be ignored. The safeword is the difference between play and rape. (if the bottom is gagged, there can be a safe -action that they can do instead, but I don't recommend playing with gags).

DO NOT use bondage as a way to make the bottom do something they are not normally willing to do: Forced oral or forced anal are only acceptable if the bottom enjoys these.

That said, light bondage is something that a fair number of people (including me) enjoy. Some enjoy more extreme play, but that isn't what we are discussing here. Its not clear why people enjoy it, many of those who do can't explain it themselves. Some possible reasons for some people though:

Guilt -free sex. Some people can't get over the idea that sex is bad / naughty and fell guilty afterwards. Being tied up and "forced" (even though they could stop it at any point), alleviates that guilt.

Struggling - some people flail a lot during orgasm and risk hurting themselves or their partners unless they put some concentration into limiting it. Being able to flail with your full force safely allows some people a more complete orgasm.

Fantasy - Sex can get boring without variety. Bondage can be one part of an elaborate (or simple) fantasy that makes things more interesting.

Pain - There is a strange effect that for some people when they are aroused, mild pain translates into pleasure. Thus the popularity of spanking.

OK, some techniques:
First, safety: Never tie anything around the neck. Never try to suspend someone's weight with ropes etc - this is an experts-only sort of game. Always be sure you can release the person quickly: if you are using scarves, have a serrated knife nearby. You can also buy safe bondage gear in stores, but its very expensive. Metal items like handcuffs can be very uncomfortable (in a bad way), cut off circulation etc, - in general use soft ties. Avoid thin ropes that can cut off circulation.

Scarves, clothes-line or soft ropes are best - don't use scarves you aren't willing to cut if you can't untie them quickly. You can run ropes under the bed. Spreadeagled with a rope running from one hand, under the bed to the other, and one running from one ankle to the other under the bed works. Face up or down depending on what you want to reach.

As to what to do - the most important thing is to understand what the tied-up (bottom) person wants. This is a game played mostly for the enjoyment of the bottom, not the top. You have to ask: do they want mild pain like spanking? Do they want to be "forced" - unable to resist having sex? Verbal humiliation ("you useless worm...")? It entirely depends on their interests. That said, some ideas you can discuss:

Forced orgasm play: Pretend you are in some scenario where the bottom has to try not to orgasm. If a male bottom, maybe an evil woman is trying to steal his sperm to frame him. If a female bottom, maybe she is being interrogated by the inquisition and will be declared a witch if she has a visible orgasm. (obviously this game only works if you know how to reliably make your partner orgasm). The effort of trying to resist an orgasm can make it much more intense for some people. Some people can be forced to orgasm over and over again.

Teasing: very very slowly arouse and tease the bottom. Make them beg and plead for release. Again when they do orgasm it will me more intense then usual. Particularly effective on men - tease until he can't stand it any more, then insist that he finish you with his mouth before you will give him release.

Forced sex: Basically a plain rape fantasy - common in a lot of people. Real rape is a terrible crime, but this is a way to safely experience the fantasy of a rape.

Punishment: for people who like a little pain - spanking or belting when they are tied up. Generally as a prelude to them agreeing to be "good" and have sex with you.

Most important - all this is fun. No one is really being forced. Anyone can stop the game any time that they want. The bottom has a responsibility to say something (safeword) if they are not enjoying what is going on. Not stopping after a safe word is terrible. Also not telling the top that you are having a terrible time is very unfair - they will feel terrible if they find out that what they thought you were enjoying you really hated.

boy - guess I went on a bit.....

[DreamP346]

Remember, bondage doesn't necessarily mean dominance. Tying up your partner may have nothing to do with dominating them. Restricting some movements can heighten the feelings in other area. Basically, when the the body cannot move, all the energy is released through the orgsm making it very intense.

The other thing is that the one being tied down can be the dominant one and be giving the direction.

[jen1447]

That was very informative.

Avatar, I'm not really a bondage girl, but if you wanted to try a really 'lite' version of what rcoreyus describes, you could do something as simple as holding your man's arms behind his back (doesn't matter that he could break free, he shouldn't want to), or pushing him around, literally, or even just using the sort of language that you're not normally known for. Dropping an f-bomb or two might give him a thrill if you're normally a good girl.

[kira]

I've done light self bondage when masturbating where I leave whatever just loose enough I can slip one hand out but I can't get my husband to do it yet. He won't even have sex with me if I'm a little drunk or high on new sleeping pills because he feels he's taking advantage of me. Despite me initiating it all and the fact we are married. It's not like we are a one night stand or new couple that could turn in to an accident.

At the last house I had a foam mattress on a wooden platform bed and I just got some small screws, used the electric drill to screw them in, backed them out a little to tie to, and then turned them back in when I was done. That way I didn't have to explain anything to a new partner. Although I had one go snooping and find my rope and stimming stuff. That's why I also rolled my drawer of rope and sex stuff in to an out of the way closet when I had my stepmom and half sister staying over. When we moved the platform didn't survive because it was cheap so our latex and memory foam mattress layers are sitting on the floor. I slid a leftover chunk of shelving wire under the head and foot of the bed which is not really visible but I still pull the foot piece back out and put it in a closet when not using it. I got some odd looks from my husband when he was straightening the bed and found the piece between the bed and the wall but I just told him not to ask. With a regular mattress and box springs you can just throw a rope under it but a foam mattress squishes until the foam rips so that doesn't work. On bondage store sites you can get normal looking, comfortable sheets which allow velcro cuffs to stick to them with a fair amount of force. It takes most people 2 hands to peel them off. They do cost a little though so you should test the idea out first if possible.

[atskitty2]

I'm a little concerned that you're needing to hide the tethers so your parents don't find out. How old are you?
If you're an adult, that shouldn't be an issue.

I'm not comfortable giving these types of advice to a teen, but I can tell you that getting into bondage or anything else you're uncomfy with do not prove you love him, as you asked. Did he tell you something like that?

[JonDoe]

There is no need to use power tools, spools of rope, and chicken wire for light bondage, unless that is your thing.

Amazon sells restraints that are easy to use, won't leave marks on your body or damage your bed, and cost less than $20 US plus shipping (mattress not included).

Others have covered the topic of bondage quit well, but I will add that you won't enjoy it if you are starting from a position of fear. The excitement comes from where you go in your head with the experience and if your partner is able to play his/her part well too. Your first experience may be less than you had hoped for because acting and role play doesn't come natural for everyone, so plan to try it a fews times unless this causes you fear, anxiety, discomfort, pain, etc.

Enjoy and good luck!

[Stillness]

boy - guess I went on a bit.....

You did. But I never understood this until your post. You even got me curious.

My sex life is pretty vanilla. It's really all I need to be happy. But maybe trying something different like this would get my lady going.

[rcoreyus]

Atskitty2 - I don't know how old avatarnirvanna is, but I agree with you that if she is young, this is probably not a good direction to got. Things like bondage are really only good for people who are already comfortable with sexuality.

I'd missed the comment about her parents finding out - though of course some older people live with or are regularly visited by their parents.

One of the problems with internet discussions is that you miss all the subtle clues in a person to person discussion. Its difficult to tell how old the poster is. Whether their reluctance is a bit of nervousness about something they would enjoy, or real fear. Whether they are looking at this as a fun (if intimidating) adventure, or a dreaded task that they feel they must perform.

All I can say is that in general sex should be FUN. That doesn't mean that you need to enjoy absolutely everything you do - there is nothing wrong with a sexual favor / gift for the person you love - assuming that they do the same for you. Even with "gifts", while you may not enjoy the activity physically, the response and enjoyment of your partner can still make it a lot of fun. If sex becomes a chore / duty, then something is wrong

BTW: Back when my wife and I used to do this, one day we forgot and had let some friends into our bedroom (it had an outdoor balcony) - and they saw scarves hanging from the bedposts. They pretended not to notice but one confided in me later that there had been much snickering later. (and a fair bit of jealously )

[atskitty2]

Rcoreyus, I realize it could be a non-teen poster with any number of scenarios how the folks could find the evidence, but I want to know before I post. Just my personal thought to not give detailed sexual advice to a possible child, who's also asking things like, will it prove my love?

Not criticizing those who do, but it just wasn't comfy for me. Little for me to add tho', after reading some if these responses