[kdc]

I would be afraid that if you concentrate more on his pleasure that he may not need to see the need to focus on yours. Maybe get him a copy of some helpful books? **She Comes First** comes to mind, although some of the other folks can point you to some others. You definitely need to talk to him and tell him exactly what you need, though--and keep doing so.

[Stillness]

Any other ideas in this area?

I have 3:

1) Don't let him penetrate you until you are aroused. Say, "I'm not ready yet," "Can we do this some more," "Do you think you can get me ready without the lube?" or something like that.
2) Do what you'd like done to you to him.
3) Since he won't listen to you, find an authoritative study or article describing female sexuality (maybe something describing how women require more foreplay than men on average) and send it to him.

[123helpme]

Thanks everyone!

I am going to try out some of these suggestions. I think part of the problem is that I've just given up. I need to get myself motivated again to try and fix this.

I have some related questions for you guys. How long does an average lovemaking session last? How long is foreplay? How long is intercourse? My memory is bad, but in my past life, where I did a lot of fooling around but not intercourse, it seemed to go on forever, like 1-2 hours. And it was awesome. It just seems strange that EVERYTHING now takes 5-15 minutes. Thoughts?

Any book, website, or study suggestions?

[jen1447]

I'm with you on the hours-long stuff hon, but I don't really think there's an average. It all depends on who's doing the fooling around. If you have a couple that is content with a short go-round, then there's no reason for them to think they should go longer. Likewise for marathon couples ....there's no such thing as 'too long' if they're both good with it.

For me personally, the foreplay can actually go on for days depending on the circumstances, because foreplay isn't just making out and playing pattycake. It can be phone conversations, texts, e-mails, naked pictures, flirting in public, etc., etc. All that just drives up the desire and makes the sex that eventually follows explosive. Likewise if you are talking about the hands-on stuff specifically - it can be very brief if you're having a quicky, or very lengthy if you've got a whole day or night (or both lol) on your hands. I think you're probably thinking of a typical no rush scenario though, so in that case for me it would be like you said, maybe a couple hours on average.

That actually brings up a good idea - tell him you want to make out for an hour. Just make out. I love doing that, because the intimacy of kissing is just sooo arousing and sweet. You learn all kinds of things about your partner from lengthy makeout sessions without ever saying a word. I really think I can actually 'know' somebody better by kissing them than by talking to them, in fact. That's a lot of information being passed through some very perceptive sensors (your lips and tongue). So, 90 seconds of making out? Boo, you're not even getting started yet.

Another idea is kissing discussions. Ever tried those? Once in a while I'll make my boyfriend tell me about his day (or hear about mine) while kissing. Mundane details take on a whole new meaning when they're uttered between kisses. ("The bus -kiss- was late -kiss- we got that project -kiss- finished -kiss- I talked -kiss- to a new client -kiss-" Etc. ) You have to enforce the routine rule though just to up the ante. No "I want to squeeze your boobs!" talk allowed at those times. It's really provocative.

Intercourse in all its forms can last a couple hours too generally. If you work in all the other activities like a healthy dose of oral and whatever else you might get up to, a couple hours more. lol, so I guess if you had all those things it could last 6 hours. Yay.

Again though, it varies so much that I don't really think there can be an average.

[Stillness]

"It ain't nothin' but 5 minutes! But the foreplay just make it seem longer. Time it if you ain't got nothin' to do." - Bernie Mac

Sorry. That's what this reminded me of.

With me the situation is a bit reversed. My wife is normally the one rushing from foreplay into sex. Her reasons are very different from your husband's, but I'm often wanting more. A before-work quickie is probably about 5-10 minutes. Other than that it depends.

You shouldn't measure yourself by other people, though. Your sex is for you and your husband to enjoy. If you're not enjoying it because he won't cooperate, then he has to relearn whatever nonsense he picked up from pornography and please you. The movies are not good indicators of reality. Even people who have had sex with real people have to adjust when they get a new partner because every person is different. One person can love something that someone else will hate. It has nothing to do with sexual prowess, knowledge, and no one's ego should be bruised. Good sex is all about taking cues from your mate.

I'd recommend this website. There are tons of posts and fairly solid advice. I've picked up quite a bit that has helped me. Use the search feature.

[DreamP346]

Would your husband be open to exploring new things? If so, you could try tying him up and then put on a masturbation show for him. Touch yourself in all the areas he ignores, take your time and show him how you get aroused when enough attention is given. Maybe once he actually sees you getting turned on when things go slowly and how you can get wet with time (no lube needed) he will change his mind. Maybe even bring some toys into action. Teach by demonstration.

[jen1447]

Aside from being hot , I think sp suggestions hit on the key: change. The one thing that cannot happen is nothing, if that makes any sense.

[123helpme]

You guys are great!

I might try to initiate some kind of game that forces DH to slow down, like the 1 hour make out.

I know I can't compare our sex life to others, I just wanted some reassurance that I'm not crazy for loving the slow build up. I know I can get wet down there! It just takes more than 5 minutes to happen! And I don't always need it to be drawn out; quickies appeal to me when we are in a good place, ya know? We are just so far from that right now!

[Stillness]

I just wanted some reassurance that I'm not crazy for loving the slow build up. I know I can get wet down there! It just takes more than 5 minutes to happen!

You're not crazy. I think that the general consensus is that it takes 30 minutes for women on average. That seems long to me and is definitely long for my wife, but that is what the research says. That means that some women could take longer.

My personal belief is that men's sexual function is complimentary and although we don't take as long to become erect, our pleasure and performance is heightened by prolonged foreplay. There's no question that we're emotionally more fulfilled when our wife is. So basically, your husband is not just denying you your due, but denying himself.

[rcoreyus]

Difficult to say what average is, but we generally spend an hour or two in bed together engaging in some form of intimacy. Actual intercourse may not even happen, or may take varying amounts of time. Sometimes things are more focused on one or the other of us. One of our common "games" is to watch something on TV - making out only during the commercials - then go to bed (or not).

If he has a kinky side, there is another thing you could try: Tie him up, then very slowly spend your time doing things for him and yourself. Many men find an orgasm to be much more intense if it is delayed for a while - might get him to realize that there are advantages go going slow.

Thanks everyone!

I am going to try out some of these suggestions. I think part of the problem is that I've just given up. I need to get myself motivated again to try and fix this.

I have some related questions for you guys. How long does an average lovemaking session last? How long is foreplay? How long is intercourse? My memory is bad, but in my past life, where I did a lot of fooling around but not intercourse, it seemed to go on forever, like 1-2 hours. And it was awesome. It just seems strange that EVERYTHING now takes 5-15 minutes. Thoughts?

Any book, website, or study suggestions?