[kira]

I did FWB for awhile between my first relationship which like most first relationships failed utterly and meeting my husband. I was using okcupid to find people with much frustration. Plenty of fish works for some particularly for casual sex or just friends without sex but all I got was creepy guys. Either way online you can spell out exactly what you want.

For some reason it still didn't work. I wanted someone to hang out with playing games, watching movies, maybe go get food occasionally, and have sex without exclusivity. Most failed to stay in the FWB mentality and none remained friends after it was over. I was having fun and they kept hearing wedding bells. In every case there either wasn't enough attraction for me to want a long term relationship or their plans differed far too much from mine. Like one guy who wanted to live with his mom and take care of her, get married, have kids... To hell with all that. I'm not living with someone's parent, I didn't want to get married (somehow I did when the right person came along), and I certainly don't want kids. He kept asking me to be his gf and that he would be fine with whatever I wanted. I kept telling him I was not his gf and he should find someone he can make all the plans he wants with instead of following someone else' lifestyle. Finally I just ended it which took months of saying no I don't want you to come over.

I did attempt just sex without the friends part but I just didn't feel comfortable with it. It was more like having one night stands which did not really turn me on, I couldn't trust this person I didn't know, and I got bored with it.

[LilahX]

I don't see why being 'boyfriend material' would scare off women looking for a f/buddy. To me, being 'boyfriend material' just means you're a nice guy, a good person with a job and ambition - normal. Guys who aren't ready for r/ships but want more than one night stands aren't any less deserving of meeting nice women. In my book, honesty is the best approach. Be up front about what you're looking for. The women you turn off won't be ones who'd be up for this sort of arrangement anyway. I had a 'playmate' for years and he's had great success finding women for 'fun and friendship' b/c of his upfront, honest approach. I'm in a r/ship now and we're still great friends. Honesty and confidence are very appealling to women.

[Archer]

When would be the best time to bring this up, before or after having sex the first time?

[Motorguy]

When would be the best time to bring this up, before or after having sex the first time?

Before, because who knows maybe she has other idea's where this relationship will be going. You are looking for FWB and she looking at maybe being girl friend and boy friend.
Not a good way to start off anything with this cloud over both your head just be up front you don't want to date but once in a while have sex no strings attached. There's a few ladies that still have sex on the first date thinking this is going to be more then a one night stand. And your mind is completely thinking something completely different get in dump and go not good i must say. We have a word for those type of guys.

[Motorguy]

I did FWB for awhile between my first relationship which like most first relationships failed utterly and meeting my husband. I was using okcupid to find people with much frustration. Plenty of fish works for some particularly for casual sex or just friends without sex but all I got was creepy guys. Either way online you can spell out exactly what you want.

For some reason it still didn't work. I wanted someone to hang out with playing games, watching movies, maybe go get food occasionally, and have sex without exclusivity. Most failed to stay in the FWB mentality and none remained friends after it was over. I was having fun and they kept hearing wedding bells. In every case there either wasn't enough attraction for me to want a long term relationship or their plans differed far too much from mine. Like one guy who wanted to live with his mom and take care of her, get married, have kids... To hell with all that. I'm not living with someone's parent, I didn't want to get married (somehow I did when the right person came along), and I certainly don't want kids. He kept asking me to be his gf and that he would be fine with whatever I wanted. I kept telling him I was not his gf and he should find someone he can make all the plans he wants with instead of following someone else' lifestyle. Finally I just ended it which took months of saying no I don't want you to come over.

I did attempt just sex without the friends part but I just didn't feel comfortable with it. It was more like having one night stands which did not really turn me on, I couldn't trust this person I didn't know, and I got bored with it.

Well you was walking the tight rope on this idea. There is only two basic guys out there the marrying type and the ones into on night stands no strings attached just have sex and run. Very few guys are going to hang around and be like another girl friend to watch movies shopping or going out to eat and maybe we will finish up in bed and you go home till next time that's to me is fantasy land idea.

[Archer]

Before, because who knows maybe she has other idea's where this relationship will be going. You are looking for FWB and she looking at maybe being girl friend and boy friend.
Not a good way to start off anything with this cloud over both your head just be up front you don't want to date but once in a while have sex no strings attached. There's a few ladies that still have sex on the first date thinking this is going to be more then a one night stand. And your mind is completely thinking something completely different get in dump and go not good i must say. We have a word for those type of guys.

I don't really buy into the men = predators and women = victims mentality when it comes to casual interactions. And it seems that this is what your comment is aiming at. What would that word be?

[Justice]

I don't really buy into the men = predators and women = victims mentality when it comes to casual interactions. And it seems that this is what your comment is aiming at. What would that word be?

Some may have implied it. But if you look through the thread(s) you'd see that some of us encouraged HONESTLY. Because there have been several men (not all) that will use the FWB term but really want no strings and FB or ONS.

If you are willing to LIE to a woman and not be honest about what you really want then yes you kind of are "victimizing" and pretty much an ***.

I was considering FWB with the understanding that essentially he would only be having sex with me (and I guess if he ever convince the "GF" that he claimed was only intimate with a couple times a year at most). We did discuss whether everyone involved was clean and healthy. If you are agreeing to this kind of relationship you should be able to know what to expect. I had no interest in being one of a bunch - you know the saying about when you are sleeping with one person you are sleeping with everyone that your partner(s) is(are) sleeping with.

That to me is more like FB and ONS. IIRC I got the impression that you (the OP) really did not want FWB you wanted a bunch of FBs. If the woman believes that she is getting into a kind of a relationship (based on lies) because really FWB is a type of relationship even if it is not a typical romantic partner relationship, it does make the guy pretty much an *** if he lies to get her to agree.

[Trixareforkids]

I think it just comes down to clearly defined terms. A one-night stand, f-buddy, booty call, friend w/benefit, dating, all of these imply non-exclusivity to me. It's not until you get into 'seeing' someone or formalize into a GF or BF, that it's a committed relationship. I think the obligation for expressing exclusivity falls on the one expecting it because until it's discussed and defined it CANNOT be assumed.

Now, on the other side of that is respect for potential partners and honesty about your intentions (and further being upfront if those intentions change). Rather than a label that may be misinterpreted like FWB, stating your direct intentions for instance:

a) I think your hot and I'd like to sleep with you right now but I'm only interested in a one-time hook-up = One Night Stand
b) I think you'd make a good occasional bed partner when we're both available and willing, no-strings attached = FB/Booty Call
c-1) I like hanging out with you and I'd like to get physical without attachment beyond casual friends = FWB
c-2) I've always found you attractive and I'd be interested in adding a physical side to our friendship if you think it wouldn't otherwise change our relationship = FWB

Dating is just the framework for determining which type of relationship you'd like to have with a person (if any) and does not imply any actual type of a relationship.

Communication is key, NOTHING is implied and any unvoiced expectations are just self-delusion.

[Archer]

I think it just comes down to clearly defined terms. A one-night stand, f-buddy, booty call, friend w/benefit, dating, all of these imply non-exclusivity to me. It's not until you get into 'seeing' someone or formalize into a GF or BF, that it's a committed relationship. I think the obligation for expressing exclusivity falls on the one expecting it because until it's discussed and defined it CANNOT be assumed.

Now, on the other side of that is respect for potential partners and honesty about your intentions (and further being upfront if those intentions change). Rather than a label that may be misinterpreted like FWB, stating your direct intentions for instance:

a) I think your hot and I'd like to sleep with you right now but I'm only interested in a one-time hook-up = One Night Stand
b) I think you'd make a good occasional bed partner when we're both available and willing, no-strings attached = FB/Booty Call
c-1) I like hanging out with you and I'd like to get physical without attachment beyond casual friends = FWB
c-2) I've always found you attractive and I'd be interested in adding a physical side to our friendship if you think it wouldn't otherwise change our relationship = FWB

Dating is just the framework for determining which type of relationship you'd like to have with a person (if any) and does not imply any actual type of a relationship.

Communication is key, NOTHING is implied and any unvoiced expectations are just self-delusion.

Spot. On.

[Archer]

First off, there are a lot of steps that usually take place before sex on a first date:

1) Texting, talking, getting to know each other
2) Meeting up for a drink
3) Flirting, touching, kissing
4) Transitioning back to one person's place
5) Sometimes hanging out for a while (sometimes going straight to it)
6) The act itself

There are so many places that, at any time, this whole sequence can be stopped. No woman should go through all of these steps, one by one, and at each step stop and say "hey, full speed to relationshiptown". If an adult woman, or even a GUY for that matter (yes I've been used too, life goes on), is naive enough to assume anything beyond what has been clearly stated so far in the interaction, then they deserve the rude wake up call they are going to get, so they remember to not put themselves in a position like this in the future. It's called life, and life teaches us lessons. If someone is so enthralled with the idea of someone that they can't control their thought process, that's like saying I'm so horny that I can't control my penis, and should not be held accountable for anything I say/do (which obviously is not true). It takes two RESPONSIBLE people to tango.

What I personally have done in the past is tell a girl "I have no rules. I'm not expecting anything, but I'm ready for everything." Which is 100% true. I don't promise them a relationship, and I don't promise to use them and throw them away. I think that straight up telling a girl "I want us to use each other for sex" is a quick journey of no return to the creeper blacklist pile in 99% of cases. The situation I am in has temporarily changed for now, and I'm not dating women because of it. I would never lead a girl to believe that I will be here for her when I won't. That's why I'm looking more specifically for something like FB or even FWB.

This may be a comment for the "chauvinism" post, but I don't owe anybody ****. I know what I want when I see it, and as long as I'm not straight up lying to someone, I have a right to pursue it.

Justice, I agree, most of you are giving very solid, honest responses. And I appreciate it! I just want to make sure we nip the whole "innocent girls" and "predatory players" thing in the bud.