[Trixareforkids]

The lines between straight, bi-sexual and homosexual seem to get very blurred when it comes to our sexual desires/fantasies/curiosity. So I thought it was time we took it outside of a particular relationship question and looked at it's own topic.

IMO bi-sexual desires/fantasies/curiosity have only the slightest connection to our relationship desires.
It's the difference between FWB and a committed relationship. A FWB is someone you enjoy sharing some time and a physical relationship with but you would not consider as a long-term partner. A straight identified person only finds the emotional connection needed for a committed relationship with the opposite sex. Since sex is such a big part of relationships however, some people when they find things outside of their relationship identity that titillate or excite them sexually wrongly question their relationship identity. I believe that while there are many bi-sexual people there are very few who are bi-relational.

I think it's the denial of the difference between what we image we could do and what we actually feel compelled to do that causes such anxiety for people.

Just because I can imagine sex with another woman, a group of people or a BDSM scenario and be titillated by it does not mean that I have a desire to act on those imaginings. I can imagine a tryst with the yummy cashier at the grocery store, doesn't mean I plan or even want to actually do it.

Also while there are plenty of healthy open relationships most people like the sense of security that we get from being in a monogamous relationship. Just because we agree to BE monogamous does not mean that we agree to think/feel sexual only towards our partner. I've only known one person who I believed when they said they had no desire for anyone other than their partner and that person had never had any libido to speak of, it was only because of the strong emotional connection to their partner that they had any real sexual desire at all. For the rest of us, all the things you were curious or fantasized about before (and then some you didn't discover until after) still exist in your imagination and do neither of you any harm there.

Sex is about about physical and emotional needs while relationships are about comfort, it's entirely possible to have sex and get short-term emotional needs fulfilled with someone you would not be comfortable having a relationship with. While there are occasions in which a strong emotional attachment will lead to a long-term same-sex relationship in a straight identified person, it's not common and should that relationship end they generally go back to relationships in their comfort zone.

[jen1447]

Good discussion Trix.

IMO bi-sexual desires/fantasies/curiosity have only the slightest connection to our relationship desires.

As a thoroughly bisexual woman, I can tell you that in my experience at least, there's a distinct relationship connection to curiosity, assuming that means a general inclination toward the same sex. I have a great deal of lust for women in general and have lots of sex with woman that satisfies that lust physically, but I've also had fairly longterm relationships with women in the past and been in love with them. So in that sense, it's not limited only to lust. (Which is not to say that the sex I've had in those same-sex relationships wasn't fantastic too.)

I would say that my desire for women in general is really something caveman-like and not really the sort of thing that we all look for in traditional relationships - emotional fulfillment, etc. But that's separate or at least unique in my bisexuality. In other words, I can and do experience both sensations.

Fantasies are another thing entirely and are I suppose more what you're getting at here - entertaining scenarios that aren't exactly real-world or likely. I tend to make them real myself , but your point is taken there - it's hot to imagine ravaging some hot woman you see here or there without having any intention of doing it.

I will say too that there are a lot of 'straight' women out there who have sex with other women, the distinction being that they really have no fundamental desire for women but like having fun within the allowance of social norms, which now normalizes bisexuality in women and so makes it okay to do without fearing any consequences like social stigma. Those aren't real bisexual women imo (tho they can still be a lot of fun).

You definitely know a genuinely gay or bi woman when you're with one. The ones who are playing at it enjoy the physical rush and immense satisfaction that women I think give across the board, but the real ones can get inside your soul.

Sorry if I missed the thrust of your post somehow, I just sorta went off in the direction of your initial points mainly.

[Trixareforkids]

Jen, you were the perfect 1st responder to this thread. You identify as bi, and though your relationships with men and women may be different you are equally comfortable with both. You said "Those aren't real bisexual women imo (tho they can still be a lot of fun)" and that's exactly my point. A drag queen friend of mine has lots of hook-ups with straight men both in and out of drag, more than a few are married men, they're not looking for a relationship just different sex. I think of the women you talked about and the men that hook-up with my friend as hedonists, they're looking for a good time and that good time has nothing to do with their relationship identity. A same-sex couple is a different animal than a same-sex hook-up.

It's MUCH more socially acceptable for female hook-ups than for male hook-ups which I find sad. I know many a girl that would want nothing to do with a guy that they knew had had a same-sex hook-up while at the same time wanting (or having had) a same-sex hook-up themselves. It's a terrible double-standard and why so many guys freak if/when they find another guy attractive or find themselves enjoying a bit of gay porn. There's a lot of inequalities that swing the other way but that doesn't make this one any less harmful.

[jen1447]

Ah okay, I get what you're saying - you're starting from the assumption that the person is straight. And then debating what it is when that straight person ventures into whatever same-sex behavior. I gotcha.

I should probably qualify one point, tho I don't think it will make a lot of difference to your larger point - the straight women who sleep with other women that I referred to might actually be kinda bi .....just my impression, mainly because like I've said elsewhere I think most women really are bi more or less on some level. What they aren't is committed bi or accepted bi or whatever you want to call it. It's just another distinction in the differences between men and women I think - it's natural imo for women to be bi-ish.

On the double standard, I have to admit that I hold it myself. I'll fight for any gay guy's right to be socially accepted and free to be whatever he wants to be, but personally I don't really understand bisexuality in men. I can't really explain it well ....I understand that some men are gay, but unlike with women where bisexuality seems natural, with a guy who is bi my reaction is always to wonder "why would he want to do that?" Again, I don't carry any outward prejudice or judge them, I just don't get it. But I don't have to necessarily get something for it to be legit.

[rcoreyus]

I think the labels are the source of the problem / confusion. People do, want, or fantasize about a whole range of things. Trying to fit that into straight / bi / gay is just too simplistic. I'm a straight man, but I'm not offended by the idea of having sex with a man, I'm just not interested. For a million bucks I'd do it and not fell any worse about myself for having done so. It is also the "maleness" that I find uninteresting, receptive anal sex with a woman wearing a strapon is something I'd be happy to try if my wife were up for it. Similarly while I love getting the (rare) BJs from my wife and would (if not in a committed relationship), enjoy them from other women, I would not enjoy a BJ from a man, even though the physical sensations would be the same. As a fantasy I enjoy some types of BDSM, am repelled by others. Taken all together that makes me..... me. There is no need to apply a word to what I am.


I think people worry WAY too much about this.

[atskitty2]

I am straight, but I have done some light stuff with girls in the past, and wouldn't shy away from it again if I wanted to.
I couldn't see myself ever getting into a long term relationship with a woman. I like a few women, but I love a man

I do see your point rcorey and agree with you a great deal. I think they're often just descriptive terms, not necessarily labels. None of us fit nicely in a boxed definition that way.

[Trixareforkids]

rcoreyus, I agree that people worry way too much about this, that's why I brought it up. Maybe our discussion here can help allay some of those worries. I don't think labels help, but neither do I think they are the source of the problem. Social convention is the source of the problem and that can change. Labels can be helpful for sorting out what we personally don't want. I like ice cream but not frozen yogurt, so if something just said 'frozen dairy treat' it wouldn't appeal to me, too much uncertainty.

I'm in a committed relationship and while we've tried various things there are still lots of things that we haven't discussed or explored (more fun to be had ) I know from our personalities and experience together that we'll never bring another actual person into our relationship, but inserting people into imaginary scenarios still holds appeal. Were something to happen to this relationship I'd not have another committed relationship, I'd cultivate my friendships and explore some of the things from my imagination to see if whether they were as I'd imagined, I'd be a bi-explorer lol,

[jen1447]

"Frozen dairy treat" - you funny Trix.

[Trixareforkids]

I should probably admit that while bi-curious I'd probably make a less than ideal girl FB as I have absolutely no desire to perform oral on a female, I'd be up for just about anything else, but I know no oral is a deal breaker for a lot of women. What's your position on that Jen?

[Archer]

I mentioned a friend I grew up with in another post..he has struggled with his sexuality his whole life, and only recently admitted to me that he is most likely bi. He goes to gay bars, parades, and has slept with I think at least one man. It hurts me more than anything to see how hard he struggles with it though, and how afraid he is of the world knowing about it ("conservative" family, etc.)

I wish he just had the freedom to be whoever he wanted to be, and feel no guilt about it.

That being said, I think the "line" is much more blurred for women's sexuality. Women tend to cross it back and forth throughout their lives. It seems that once guys cross a certain line, it's almost like they were already there, and had been hiding it from society and themselves for a long time.