[Stillness]

He should die.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I've met guys who later in life regret what they did. But, I've also met those that used and don't,, Remember what comes around goes around.. In that thought I hope she has peace....................

[effy2014]

Claret

I applaud your courage to rid yourself of the silence. It's a great step towards healing. If this community can be of help, keep writing.

[Trixareforkids]

I'd like to add here that this is the first time I've ever publically told anyone about this. It's been a long time coming, but there it is and it feels like a weight is lifted for the first time in about 40 years.

I don't like the content of your post, what a horrible thing to have to live with, both the act/aftermath and the regret for not having reported it!

But I have to say that I do like that you finally found a time and place that it felt right to release it. I hope that by releasing it you can also begin to let go of the regret for not reporting it and to come to realize that YOU are in no way responsible for the act itself, not expecting someone you thought you knew to be a potential rapist is in no way on you. I sincerely hope some part of you knows it and that one day you fully embrace it as something that happened (like a natural disaster), that was harrowing but does not reflect on your judgement. You were traumatized in a place and by a person you thought were safe and your view of the world and how it works is understandably changed after that. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to report a rape from a stranger and even more from someone you know because when you know them it's so much muddier and less clear cut in the eyes of a potential judge or jury.

My heart goes out to you for your past pain and again I'm glad you finally found it in yourself to confront it in this new way. I hope it helps you heal.

[Patti-here]

Just to respond to this, the one that I regret the most was the night I was raped by one of my first husbands so-called friends. We had only been separated a short period of time when this scum-bag called and asked to speak about my ex. I actually invited him over for coffee to talk, and got raped in my own home for my trouble.

To this day the regret stems from the fact that I didn't report it but went along with the threats that if I told I'd regret it more and probably lose my children to boot.

I'd like to add here that this is the first time I've ever publically told anyone about this. It's been a long time coming, but there it is and it feels like a weight is lifted for the first time in about 40 years.

Oh you poor baby, I'm so sorry..

Sending hugs !

[Patti-here]

This is how I feel as well, if you add the word "intentionally" before hurt. We can avoid doing things we think or know will hurt someone but we sometimes do things that we didn't think would hurt them. And unless the 1st relationship you ever have is the last one, there's bound to be SOME hurt feelings on someone's part.

Exactly, I've never "intentionally" hurt anyone,,, but I know I've done things that hurt others,, I'm not in a steady relationship,, and guys know that,, so letting them down can and does hurt them..

[Claret]

I don't feel sorry for myself. Yes it was a water-shed moment, but it made me realize what was and what isn't important in my life. At the time all I could do was try to protect my children, who were asleep in their beds, from any knowledge of what was happening. Later on I was trying to protect myself. In so doing, I went back to school part-time and took what is about 1/2 of an MBA. It was enough for me to get into that "corporate ladder" and that is where I've seen major inequities in wages, benefits, job descriptions etc. It was enough for me to look at all potential dates/partners in life with an eye to 1stly - their character, 2ndly their drive and ambitions. Doing this allowed me to eventually meet a wonderful man that is alright with me being myself. It was the marriage to this same wonderful person that had a positive and loving influence on my children. This new life afforded me the opportunity to go back to school and take a 4-year Bsc in Nursing. I'd like to add that after all of that I never worked as a Nurse for anything more than 6 months. I went for the education not the job.

It was what it was, that was then, this is now. My mantra over the years has been and is, "Just for today, and today I choose to have joy in my life".

[Patti-here]

I don't feel sorry for myself. Yes it was a water-shed moment, but it made me realize what was and what isn't important in my life. At the time all I could do was try to protect my children, who were asleep in their beds, from any knowledge of what was happening. Later on I was trying to protect myself. In so doing, I went back to school part-time and took what is about 1/2 of an MBA. It was enough for me to get into that "corporate ladder" and that is where I've seen major inequities in wages, benefits, job descriptions etc. It was enough for me to look at all potential dates/partners in life with an eye to 1stly - their character, 2ndly their drive and ambitions. Doing this allowed me to eventually meet a wonderful man that is alright with me being myself. It was the marriage to this same wonderful person that had a positive and loving influence on my children. This new life afforded me the opportunity to go back to school and take a 4-year Bsc in Nursing. I'd like to add that after all of that I never worked as a Nurse for anything more than 6 months. I went for the education not the job.

It was what it was, that was then, this is now. My mantra over the years has been and is, "Just for today, and today I choose to have joy in my life".

Good for you,,, you've come full circle...

You go girl.

[jen1447]

Send me his info Claret, I'll go give him the 40 years later beating he deserves.

On a lighter note, I'm very happy for you that you've processed it now. You're an inspirational woman.

[jen1447]

This is how I feel as well, if you add the word "intentionally" before hurt. We can avoid doing things we think or know will hurt someone but we sometimes do things that we didn't think would hurt them. And unless the 1st relationship you ever have is the last one, there's bound to be SOME hurt feelings on someone's part.

This goes back to a topic in the FWB thread that I still don't buy tho ....if you hurt someone inadvertently, I think you do still have a responsibility to them. To say "oh well, wasn't my intention so you're on your own" is just aiming so low in terms of humanity it's sad. I could see taking that attitude for, let's say, 'hurting' someone by cutting them off in traffic. Not for hurting them unintentionally during the course and as a result of exchanging bodily fluids and being all kinds of intimate and doing what is often considered the ultimate manifestation of a person's love for another, even if it isn't in that particular instance. If you play with fire you might get burned, meaning here that if you willingly enter into a scenario where feelings are fundamentally difficult to control and emotions run high, you take with that risk the associated responsibility.