[Justice]

This goes back to a topic in the FWB thread that I still don't buy tho ....if you hurt someone inadvertently, I think you do still have a responsibility to them. To say "oh well, wasn't my intention so you're on your own" is just aiming so low in terms of humanity it's sad. I could see taking that attitude for, let's say, 'hurting' someone by cutting them off in traffic. Not for hurting them unintentionally during the course and as a result of exchanging bodily fluids and being all kinds of intimate and doing what is often considered the ultimate manifestation of a person's love for another, even if it isn't in that particular instance. If you play with fire you might get burned, meaning here that if you willingly enter into a scenario where feelings are fundamentally difficult to control and emotions run high, you take with that risk the associated responsibility.

Agree.
This is why I think you can be more inspirational - especially on this topic.
People who don't give a **** about other people's feelings or wants are users and don't deserve to have people worry about them.

And not so ironically it sounds like you are successful at having a lot of great partnered sex!

Hmm, correlation?



I think people should not want to hurt, use and abuse others because it the wrong thing to do.
I guess that for some people who don't care about others, maybe they need to hear how it is not in their own best interests either.

[Motorguy]

Just to respond to this, the one that I regret the most was the night I was raped by one of my first husbands so-called friends. We had only been separated a short period of time when this scum-bag called and asked to speak about my ex. I actually invited him over for coffee to talk, and got raped in my own home for my trouble.

To this day the regret stems from the fact that I didn't report it but went along with the threats that if I told I'd regret it more and probably lose my children to boot.

I'd like to add here that this is the first time I've ever publically told anyone about this. It's been a long time coming, but there it is and it feels like a weight is lifted for the first time in about 40 years.

Oh my i really feel for you Claret, and so sorry you had to suffer from this hobble act against you. This guy should have his nuts cut off and beaten senseless. But that is a long time to keep something bottle up like this. I am glad you now able to discuss it now and get this weight lifted off your shoulder now. God bless you and stay strong Claret.

[Trixareforkids]

This goes back to a topic in the FWB thread that I still don't buy tho ....if you hurt someone inadvertently, I think you do still have a responsibility to them.

Only if you assume that we mean exactly what YOU say 'oh well,, wasn't my intention so you're on your own'. Relationships, outside of a ONS with a stranger have both a construction and deconstruction phase. They get built by two people and though they CAN be destroyed by just one, more often than not they aren't. For the short-term relationships, as long as intentions are stated, I'm looking for X and the other person agrees that they are also looking for X, either by direct acknowledgement or by tactic acknowledgement (continuing with the relationship) then no I do not feel the one that stated and continued with said intention is responsible to the other person. You may feel badly that things changed or the person was lying to themselves about their ability to handle X, but beyond acknowledging the other persons feeling and expressing your own sorrow for the hurt feelings, no I do not feel there is any responsibility to stay and help the person through their feelings. What would that even be like? And if you are NOT comfortable with this ARE you being helpful or just heaping on more hurt? A & B agreed they were non-exclusive FB, that if something changed or something 'real' came along that it would end with no drama. Now A is ready to end it a couple of months in because B is a lousy lay. B meanwhile has decided A is a great lay and an even better person than they had thought before but
says nothing because why ruin a good thing while you've got it, it'll develop over time. So when A gently tells B that it was great fun but I'm ready to just have some me time and figure out where I'm going now they are unknowingly thrown into B's unspoken and therefore unknown emotional storm. How is sticking around helpful? I see only bad things coming from it. In all of the scenarios where someone's feelings change and they don't tell the other I see nothing good from A staying. Even if the feelings have changed for B and they tell A, beyond A who doesn't share the changed feelings, expressing their sorrow for B, what can be done/fixed/changed by sticking around to deal with the huge elephant in the room. HOW do you deal with it when someone feels more for you than you do for them? HOW do you deal with it when you feel nothing for someone who feels something for you? And why are you obligated for their feelings, yes we all know feelings can change and that people lie to themselves but how does that obligate us to them and in what way does it obligate us to them.


For questing or longer-term relationships it's much more complicated and even more important to know and take ownership of your own want/needs/emotions because you'll have to go over them again and again with your partner. It's also more important to make them known. We begin to THINK we know each other and take certain things for granted the longer we do "know" each other. To think that since we believe we know what the other is thinking or feeling they should ALSO know what we are thinking and feeling, when every relationship ever has proven this to be false. There is no (unless you're a complete cad) quick/clean out in these relationships when the feelings are unequal and I believe that most people not only try to make it as easy as possible for the other person, they sometimes do too much.

[jen1447]

Wow, the As and Bs really have my head spinning Trix.

I don't see it as being nearly so complicated, it's just basic human decency. I can give you an example (tho this wasn't a one-off) ....the BF I had a couple BFs back was kind of a tortured soul type guy and in his perceived duty to torture himself he decided that he and I weren't compatible, so he dumped me. This was much harder on him than it was on me - he was devastated. So being as I still cared for him and respected him as human being, I basically helped him dump me. I stayed available to him for contact so that he could ease out of it instead of going cold turkey, with boundaries set up (his own, just mainly enforced by me) - no sex, no partner bond intimacy, basically taking on the role of a caring friend. So for example if he was feeling the loss especially keenly at any given time, he was free to call me and I would answer and talk to him and help him thru it. That as opposed to slamming the door and leaving him to figure it out (or go insane or kill himself) on his own. The keys to doing it properly are obviously the availability and compassion, together with the boundaries that reinforce the new reality. I don't really see yet why that wouldn't apply to a FWB or FB or whatever else (acronyms lol) as well. You may know them less well, sure, but that doesn't make them devoid of humanity or undeserving of compassion. And like I said, you dipped into the waters of your own choosing, nobody forced you. Gotta take responsibility for what you do and the effects it may have on others.

There will always be exceptions - a genuinely crazy person who is a threat to you, a stalker type mentality, etc. If they show those traits then you have no choice but to sever the ties and leave them to their own fate, but for the majority of regular people who would more likely go thru this, yes they absolutely deserve to be treated with respect and compassion.

And not so ironically it sounds like you are successful at having a lot of great partnered sex!

Hmm, correlation?

Actually I think that's quite true lol ....I think the common misconception that women like 'bad' guys can be seen thru here too. Women don't like 'bad' guys, they like exciting guys with balls, but they also want to feel safe. That's the ultimate aphrodisiac for a woman imo. The women I get together with get both of those traits from me - I have big balls and I'm exciting but it's also obvious in my manner that I'm compassionate and that they'll be safe with me - I won't hurt them and I won't abandon them, and I'll take care of them. Pretty sure that's why they tend to swoon. I deliver on that too - I've never turned my back on a GF. (Consequently now I have quite a lot of people on my list who I have to look after lol, but I wouldn't have it any other way.)

[Trixareforkids]

Ok, the A & B was NOT hard to follow, but even if it did make your head spin, the questions were pretty direct. All your answers relate to people you care about emotionally, is it just that you cannot fathom a relationship that goes no deeper than mutual lust or occasional loneliness abatement? You can be thankful for what they shared when you both needed/wanted it but have no deeper feelings, and so when you have no deeper feelings what then? Are you saying you think someone should fake concern they do not have? Or that if they don't have that concern to begin with that they should do without that human contact/itch scratching?

[jen1447]

I guess I'm saying they should have the concern. Why wouldn't you, even for a hookup? I see it as basic human decency to care for people, even those we don't know well. I've slept with plenty of people I only lusted for and didn't love, but the fact that I slept with them at all made me care about them.

[Trixareforkids]

Never mind, I wrote a bunch more examples and threw in a few whys and then I realized it doesn't matter. I think this is one of those things like orientation. The super straight woman wonder why any woman would ever want to be with another woman and the bi or homosexual woman wonders why you wouldn't.

[Little]

I've had just as many one night stands as I had long-term sex relationships :x My number isn't all that high considering how late I started having sex and how young I settled down with my husband. I can't say I regret any of the one night stands. Why bother regretting them when they had next to no bearing on my continued life? My ONSs were all fairly "healthy" situations where everybody had the same expectations - let's have some fun and then probably run. It was the long-term relationships that used sex as a weapon (one even escalated to sexual assault.)

I can't pretend I didn't have some mental anguish over the situations surrounding a few one night stands - I've spent my entire sexually active life on this board so if I tried to say that, there'd be textual backup for rebuttal - but fretting over ONSs is mostly a cultural issue of identity, I think.

I've slept with plenty of people I only lusted for and didn't love, but the fact that I slept with them at all made me care about them.

I feel the same way. I can't fathom how people can sleep with somebody they don't esteem at all - on any level. Surely there must be something, even something unconscious, to attract you to them in the first place?

[Trixareforkids]

I just re-read my original post and I guess I didn't make it clear, I don't regret a single bed partner I ever had and I had only one messy ending and that was my 1st when I was 14. I won't go into details, I'll just say poor SOB, although I don't regret it, I still feel a little bad about it. I did a number on his head, unintentionally, and as he got away fast (and then far) I had no chance to try to make him feel better about it. So while I know for SURE that he regretted it, I never did.

[jen1447]

if I tried to say that, there'd be textual backup for rebuttal

lol, this made me giggle.

Little, I admit I'm curious about your number, based on this and some older threads I remember reading.