[FrustratedHusband]

FH, Do you two do things like play, have romantic moments, and/or tease each other? Like do you chase her around the house, hug each other, kiss, snuggle up and watch movies, joke around?

I ask because you paint a picture of a cold, dry, serious relationship. But I know that the idea put forward in writing can be very different from reality.

I had never really thought about it like that but yeah our relationship is pretty serious. I like to play and mess around a bit. I'll give her a cheeky pinch on the butt or whatever, but she doesn't really ever do the same. We joke sometimes but not all that often.

She likes to snuggle and she loves to be massaged, it's just moving past that and becoming sexual that she really struggles with. I tell her that sex is as important to me as snuggling is to her and I ask her how she would like it if I withheld cuddles. But she doesn't see my side and just makes me out to be the bad guy.

Sex for us is strictly off limits during the week. She worries that she will be too tired for work the next day etc. For me, I don't care about being tired for work. My relationship is more important.

[FrustratedHusband]

It sounds as if she is in the mindset that exciting sex isn't something that "normal" women do.

Yes you hit the nail on the head. She thinks there is something dirty about exciting sex.

Recently I was talking to her about her issues and I told her that our sex life had become boring and mechanical. She agreed, finally told me that she was bored. But when I asked her how I could make it better for her she wouldn't tell me anything. I think this is one of the reason I fantasise about her having sex with another guy, because it would be new and exciting and the hope that she would get into it more.

[Motorguy]

Yes I've asked her a number of times to give counselling another try but she thinks that nothing will change, which it won't with that attitude.

Well many people who have issue like drug addicts or heavy drinkers always said they don't have a problem. They can quit anytime they just don't want to. The only way you going to get your wife into counselling is she wanting to go to make the marriage better or stronger till then you just spinning your wheels in the deep mud.That's the start to recovery is admitting there is a problem and you willing to fixed the problem. Well good luck in your adventure to that one day she see there is a problem.

[effy2014]

FH,

I am struck by how little she appears to want to work on the relationship. It is usually the man who resists therapy and change. She knows that there is an intimacy issue but insists its your problem. She sends you to therapy for masterbating and watching porn but refuses to go to improve the relationship.

You need to take drastic action to get her into couples therapy and then to solve her issues about sex. Otherwise, you are just spinning your wheels.

[Motorguy]

I'm early 30s, she is late 20s. No kids yet. She wants kids but I'm worried that things will go downhill further.

We live in a regional city, so it's not huge. Services are probably a bit limited. I've been struggling to find someone who deals with sexual issues. Money isn't a concern in terms if getting an issue like this sorted. Counselling is much cheaper than the divorce courts if things got that bad.

I really don't understand how things got this bad, it honestly was different when we were dating/engaged. Things just took a massive nose dive after the honeymoon.

Oh no good choice do not bring kids into this marriage, it for sure will be doom then. Fix your issue with wife first and get that all work out before kids come into the picture.

[rcoreyus]

I strongly urge you not to have kids until you are happy with the entire relationship. I think kids will almost always make a bad relationship worse, and things can become awful for everyone involved .

I'm early 30s, she is late 20s. No kids yet. She wants kids but I'm worried that things will go downhill further.

[rcoreyus]

And now you have the "landmine" problem. You can't know what suggestions for things to do in bed she may find offensive. Argh!

You might consider insisting on therapy. Basically she agrees to couples therapy, or you leave..... It is not an unreasonable thing to ask.

Yes you hit the nail on the head. She thinks there is something dirty about exciting sex.

Recently I was talking to her about her issues and I told her that our sex life had become boring and mechanical. She agreed, finally told me that she was bored. But when I asked her how I could make it better for her she wouldn't tell me anything. I think this is one of the reason I fantasise about her having sex with another guy, because it would be new and exciting and the hope that she would get into it more.

[Drifting1]

I was married for 26 years to a cold disinterested woman. When our three boys were mostly raised, I left. I have since remarried and to my former college lover. We have great sex and have it often. It was difficult to transition out of my family, but, I am now happy for the first time in my adult life. Yes sex and intimacy are vital to a healthy love relationship. Without it in my first marriage, I grew angry and resentful.

[FrustratedHusband]

And now you have the "landmine" problem. You can't know what suggestions for things to do in bed she may find offensive. Argh!

You might consider insisting on therapy. Basically she agrees to couples therapy, or you leave..... It is not an unreasonable thing to ask.

This is what is particularly frustrating. I want sex to be great for her, I want it to be exciting but I feel like she has conditioned me to be boring, brought me down to her level and now she complains about it.

[HerHusband]

I was married for 26 years to a cold disinterested woman. When our three boys were mostly raised, I left. I have since remarried and to my former college lover. We have great sex and have it often. It was difficult to transition out of my family, but, I am now happy for the first time in my adult life. Yes sex and intimacy are vital to a healthy love relationship. Without it in my first marriage, I grew angry and resentful.

Winner winner chicken dinner. Im thankfully not there myself but have seen it.

Frustrated needs to have a fix or real progress with this in 6 months or he will be so ****ed off the rest of his life. I hope she can find a answer to the problem and work on it but when one half of a couple refuses to help make the couple a whole it is not going to end up well.