[FrustratedHusband]

I've been living in a low sex relationship for some time and I need some help.

We have had a low sex marriage from the outset. When we were dating/engaged it was far more frequent and she would put in more effort. These days it has become almost like a chore for her.

A bit about her - she only had one previous sexual partner and apparently she didn't enjoy sex with him, I think they only did it about a dozen times. She was abused when she was younger by a family friend and I suspect that plays a big part in it.

She doesn't enjoy the act of sex, she says she doesn't feel anything. I've asked and she's told me that she has no sexual fantasies and that she doesn't masturbate. Apparently she masturbated once when she was a teenager and from her description she squirted, got embarrassed and never did it again.

Our sex is very infrequent and routine. It is always missionary position, she never wants to do anything different. She can't climax during sex, but I give her oral sex sometimes and apparently she enjoys it, although she can't always orgasm properly from it. Also afterwards she gets ashamed that I've done it and that she's enjoyed it. Other times she plays with a vibrator as foreplay. Usually she ends up facing away from me, using it on her own and completely covered. Essentially I'm just waiting there for her to finish so we can have sex. I'd like to be involved but she doesn't let me.

I turned to pornography and masturbation to satisfy my own needs. One day I was trying to get her to open up about fantasies and I shared one of mine with her - that I'd like to see her have sex with another guy. She assumed I was gay and accused me of it. Then when I was at work she accessed my computer and found out about the porn. This was so damaging to our relationship. I was branded a deviant by her and I agreed to seek help from a counsellor about my problem, which I did.

I was off the porn for a long time but our sex life didn't improve so I had a couple of relapses. Again, she found out and hit the roof. I promised to get professional help again. This psychologist didn't see an issue with pornography or masturbation as long as it wasn't compulsive behaviour.

Fast forward to just recently and she is accusing me again of pornography and masturbation. This time though I'm innocent. I have the urge to masturbate sometimes of course but I resist it because I know it will probably lead to the end of our relationship. I just don't know what she expects me to do though if she won't give me sex and I can't take care of my own needs.

I really love her and I don't want to lose her but I just don't know what to do. I've suggested marriage counselling but she isn't interested.

[muffin70]

I think as you say her being abused when she was younger will probably have something to do with it and in my opinion she needs to seek counselor so she can deal with that.
I occassionally look up porn and masturbate, but given the opportunity I'd much rather prefer have sex with my wife, but she doesn't 'want' it as much as me.

The best thing to do is talk about things... tell her if she had sex with you more often then you wouldn't have a desire to look up pornography.
Maybe a sex counselor is what you need?

sit down with a nice cup of coffee and have a good talk about things - see if you can get her to 'open up' more (pun intended!) about things

[FrustratedHusband]

Thanks for your input. I would much rather have sex with my wife than masturbate also.

But I've tried talking about the problem so many times now and all it does is make me feel bad because I get labelled a pervert if I ask her to do anything slightly out of the usual. I get labelled a sex maniac if I want it more than every couple of weeks. No matter how I approach it, she's an expert at turning it back on me. She's so good at turning it back that sometimes I've even apologised for wanting more.

I really wish she (and we) would get some kind of sex counselling. She tried to go but had a bad experience and refuses to try again. She just says that this is how she is and that I shouldn't try to change her.

[DreamP346]

I think your wife is the one who really needs counseling. There is nothing perverted about masturbation or watching porn. The therapist already told you that. However your wife has a lot more deep seeded issues that she needs to resolve. I would recommend you go to therapy together to help develop a more healthy relationship, but your wife needs to see the therapist on her own to deal with her other issues.

[FrustratedHusband]

Yes I've asked her a number of times to give counselling another try but she thinks that nothing will change, which it won't with that attitude.

[HerHusband]

OK as a what I would say average man, your not in a good place. The pro's will come along with real help but here are my quick questions and thoughts.

How old are you and she?
How long together/married?
Kids or ?
Live in a area big enough to seek real help or a small town where its tough and or can you afford the treatment she may need?

Im curious how you got to the point of marriage without knowing all this and not wanting to either accept it or have a way to move thru it?

Honestly for me if she will NOT seek help and wants to wrap herself in this misery and expects you too as well for the long term I would give her a choices.

Seek help in a one on one counseling situation and verify she is doing it and see progress, seek help as a couple and see progress, live with it and die young from stress of dealing with this kind of crap or move on. Im sorry but life is short and unless she is willing to try to help herself its up to her to deal with it and you should not have to sacrifice your life.

I had family issues young that seemed to make me reject the just deal with it mindset.

To all the pro's who will give you better advice than me sorry. I cant feel sorry for people who willingly wallow in pain.

[Stillness]

FH, Do you two do things like play, have romantic moments, and/or tease each other? Like do you chase her around the house, hug each other, kiss, snuggle up and watch movies, joke around?

I ask because you paint a picture of a cold, dry, serious relationship. But I know that the idea put forward in writing can be very different from reality.

[effy2014]

Odd that your wife tried to change you through counseling -- she would not accept you the way you were. It seems that you have done all of the work and she refuses to do any work on the issue (intimacy) that means the most to you. She needs to see the inconsistency in her actions and the news to work on her issues.

The question is whether you want to remain in a sexless marriage with a woman who seems not to care about your needs. If not, you need to to take charge and insist that she go with you to counseling. By insist, I mean end of marriage insist. There are lots of therapists and you may have to go through a few to find the best fit. If she will go to marriage counseling, a good therapist should be able to convince her to go to individual counseling .

In my view, she is exceptionally controlling. You can't have a fulfilling sex life with her, you can't masterbate and you can have any other outlet. Her answer to your frustration is live with it. Stand up to her and insist on change.

[rcoreyus]

This has been discussed a lot, its worth checking some of the older threads.

My wife was like this for many (25) years. Finally changed and now we have a very active and happy (for both of us) sex life. I still don't understand what changed. All she will say is that she felt insecure and ugly - which is not all what I would have expected from her behavior. The situation with your wife may of course have a completely different cause.

You should not have to live like this - a bad sex life will make for an unhappy marriage for everyone.

It sounds as if she is in the mindset that exciting sex isn't something that "normal" women do.

[FrustratedHusband]

I'm early 30s, she is late 20s. No kids yet. She wants kids but I'm worried that things will go downhill further.

We live in a regional city, so it's not huge. Services are probably a bit limited. I've been struggling to find someone who deals with sexual issues. Money isn't a concern in terms if getting an issue like this sorted. Counselling is much cheaper than the divorce courts if things got that bad.

I really don't understand how things got this bad, it honestly was different when we were dating/engaged. Things just took a massive nose dive after the honeymoon.