[bellelavie]

Ok gals (and guys)...I'm sure you've all encountered threads of a similar nature already so I'm sorry in advance for the repetition! There are a few things that are unique to my problem so instead of endlessly Googling "sexually frustrated" another 20x I thought I'd try for a more tailored response. To be honest, I'm a little uncertain about going on a message board for advice because it's not something I'd normally do with a problem of this nature, but I need some outside perspective...I know that this is going to be pretty long so I'm sorry for all the reading haha >.<

As the title says, I'm experiencing some serious sexual frustration with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. The timeline of our relationship is roughly this - we dated for about 6 months (long distance), broke up for almost a year, then started up again for awhile before I moved to a different state to be with him and continue my college education. That was almost 3 years ago. I'm now almost done with school and things are looking good in that area...Have a few promising internships lined up, I operate a small business online, I'm very ambitious, I'm attractive (I like to think), a good listener, considerate girlfriend, yadda yadda yadda. He is affectionate (in ways such as cuddling, kisses here and there, hand holding, hugging), considerate, hard working...Basically, he's a good boyfriend with the exception of some isolated situations where he's been a little selfish or hard for me to understand. He can be a little judgmental/stubborn/proud. He's also pretty lazy when it comes to doing things together...ie going out to events, just hanging out outside of the house, basically anything I suggest, he shoots down because I think he'd rather just sit at home and play video games and tune out the world. He won't go dancing or go out for a drink or something because those kinds of activities to him are "from a different phase in his life" - I guess the casual party/social lifestyle he had just before I moved here? I don't know. He won't even go for a run or a swim, doesn't like to engage in much physical exercise. I like to be active and see/do different things, but he's strangely opposed to it. It's frustrating but as a result I've channeled my energy into being productive and furthering my own personal pursuits and just kind of doing things on my own or with other friends. It's been rewarding but it's incredibly discouraging to come home to him sitting on his butt and zoning out for hours, with the exception of a kiss or sentence of conversation here and there...

Anyway, this continues in the bedroom. About a year and a half ago, in a strange act of coincedence, several mutual friends of ours got pregnant. Whether this was intentional, accidental, whatever - I don't know. He doesn't either. But it happened and apparently it scared the crap out of my boyfriend. We're not ready for children. (side note: we're both 24) We'd like to get married first, and I personally would like to focus on my career after school a bit before I settle down. We had already been using condoms during sex, but suddenly out of the blue, he refused to have any more sex until I got on birth control as well...

Now, before I get the hate comments like "why don't you just get on bc, stop being immature" please try to understand..I'm not crazy about turning myself into a test subject for bc...I was on it briefly before and it messed with my mood a lot. I'm not crazy about trying all kinds of methods for months and months just to find one that doesn't affect me negatively or that I have to take months to get used to. I just don't like the idea of messing with my hormones, possibly my sex drive, weight, mood, etc. I've bought over the counter contraceptive methods to use in tandem with the condoms, but my bf rejected them without even trying them. He seems to not want me to use anything except what would mess with me chemically...So hormonal bc bothers me from a health standpoint, and from a personal one as well, because my boyfriend literally does not want to do anything to make sex pleasureable for me to begin with. This is where the resentment comes in. He's performed oral sex maybe a handful of times in our relationship. I've always been clean, shaved, etc. I'm very conscious and considerate about my hygiene. He says it's gross and won't do it. Fine. I do it for him because - even though it's not my favorite thing in the world - I want him to enjoy himself and I think it brings us closer. He also won't manually try to get me off (with his hands/fingers) because I guess he has some hang up about that. He rejects the ideas of toys, I suppose because they offend him/affect his ability to please me. He has no fantasies, doesn't like roleplaying, doesn't want/care if I dress up. He basically thinks that aiding me in any way to get off is going to create a mental barrier for him during sex and drive a wedge between us. What he doesn't understand is that not doing so has already created a rift.

Believe me, I have tried to talk to him. Patiently..Kindly...I've brought it up several times but his attitude goes from semi-willing to talk to frustrated/insulted/disgusted in a matter of seconds. Or he'll try to create an altogether new problem to shift the blame to me, like it's something I do wrong. "I always start conversations at the wrong time, I get hung up on things he said ages ago that don't matter anymore, I don't say I love you enough, I'm boring in bed anyway." He claims I just "lay there and take it" and that's what causes his desire to go down but he just gets offended if I even suggest anything else. I tried to help him out a little when it came to doing oral on me - gave some direction, tried to be involved to show him what I want. It just offended him. He felt dominated or controlled somehow and stopped doing it. What can I do when anything I try results in him being offended? He's also extremely self conscious about how long he lasts, and I try to kindly explain to him that longer penetration doesn't necessarily do it for me, so I don't want him to feel self conscious about that...There's other ways to please me, etc...Doesn't work. He'll tell me to "go find some other guy then", in an insulting and threatening way...That hurts my feelings because my confidence is already sorta shot, and then he insists that I'd rather do it with another guy..I'm not sure, being the logical person that he is, how he can't see that his unwillingness to listen to my concerns is what kills my enthusiasm/spirit in the first place. It also hurts my confidence and my connection to him.

Of course, early on in our relationship, he was more adventurous. Things were new then and it was almost as if being adventurous (sexually or otherwise) was fine then because I was this new girlfriend and things were exciting to him. I could be daring and it was welcome. Now, because we live together and it's a serious relationship, he's forcing us into this boring, unsatisfying routine...Never wants to go out, never wants to experience anything remotely out of his comfort zone, constantly battles me on things like picking restaurants or even decorating - he always has to feel like his say is more important or he's the one making the final decision so I finally just gave up on decorating the place altogether because he fought me on every little detail. He's almost alright with things settling into this dull stalemate where neither of us is satisfied or happy except for on the surface. To him it's almost part of being together long term, I suppose, and he just tolerates it but I can't be emotionally distant from him and continue to be happy.

Any advice would be helpful...And no, I don't want to have bad sex for the rest of my life. No, I'm not completely opposed to some form of bc (I have looked into my options...). But the issue here is more than just that, it's his unwillingness to hear me out and take my feelings into consideration..So it creates resentment. Why should I get on bc just so we can continue to have sex that is completely unfilling and emotionally disconnected for me but great for him? Meh. I've tried to talk to him but he's unwilling to budge on anything so I guess my question is - what now?

Anyway, that's it I suppose. Sorry for the length. Thank you all in advance for the replies.

[effy2014]

First off bell, welcome to the forum. The more info you give us the better our responses. So, no worries about the length.

There are givers in this world and there are takers. Takers know that they have to give early in relationships then revert back to normal. Not that you can't change a taker into a giver, but understand that the road to not going to be easy. Given what you have written, your boyfriend is a taker. He seems selfish in the bedroom, selfish with the type of birth control you use, selfish with his time and even selfish with decorating the place. Being uncompromising is not a great start to a potential marriage. He is also very controlling -- daring you to leave if you actually want change. He knows you won't and can play that card whenever he chooses.

As for your sanity check, everything that you have asked is not only normal, it should be expected from a fiancé. You have every right to chose the method of birth control, especially given the past side effects. His not wanting (or being eager) to please you sexually -- and specifically being turned off by cunnilingus -- is, to me an offense worth leaving the relationship. Zoning out and playing video games instead of going out with you or being outside is both juvenile and ridiculous.

What to do? There are several steps. Sex, or the lack thereof, usually indicates significant issues in the relationship. It's a symptom, not the disease. If you think that there are underlying issues, communicate with him in a loving and non offensive manner. Explain, as you did here, how the lack of intimacy makes you feel.

My gut tells me that he doesn't compromise because he feels completely in control. That means you have to force compromise if you are going to get it at all. Be direct. Tell him what you can live with and what you can't. Offer a reasonable compromise to the issues which really matter to you. When he says "go find someone else", follow through. Go on a date (even a fake one). Let him know that you are seriously going to break up without change.

You will never be happy in a relationship that is one sided. One in which you do all the compromising and he does all the taking. You have a right to a fulfilling sex life that includes you being fully satisfied. You have a right to expect him to go out with you, exercise and be present in the relationship. Take charge of your happiness.

[effy2014]

Sorry to double post, but there are two recent threads to read. Trb's thread in this Sex forum entitled How can I get my Husband .... (Especially sp's response) and FrustratedHusband's thread "Wife has no Desire (his last post is very promising on his direct action approach).

[jen1447]

I hear you on the BC. I'm a condom girl too, no hormonal crap because like you I don't really want to go topsy turvy for the sake of something a little gadget can do just as well, especially considering all the other stuff that can go on that doesn't directly involve putting a penis in a vagina. I wouldn't compromise on that one hon. Your stance on it isn't unreasonable at all.

Guy sounds like a turd honestly but I'll hold my tongue on that for the time being.

[Patti-here]

You two don’t seem Compatible at all and with with no Compatibility there really isn’t any relationship, and if any guy I was with told me to go find someone else I’d oblige him in a heartbeat, other than that I agree with what effy & Jen said..

[Patti-here]

Pssst lol, on a side note, only jen can call a guy a 'turd' and sound sexy doing it

[jen1447]

It's because I have big balls.

[Patti-here]

It's because I have big balls.

Naw you have a certain 'jena se qua'

[Something_Awesome]

It's because I have big balls.

You should have your BF whack them... you may like it

[Stillness]

no hormonal crap because like you I don't really want to go topsy turvy for the sake of something a little gadget can do just as well...I wouldn't compromise on that one hon. Your stance on it isn't unreasonable at all.

^This. I never cease to be amazed at how many women take chemicals that alter their hormonal makeup. There's no way in the world I'd do it if it was available for men (which I hear it soon might?) and I won't let my wife do it either.