[sickles91]

For goodness sake, stick to your guns. If you drive him away, you are the better for it. I admit that I am a huge fan of monogamy, but even swingers will say that it has to be a completely willing relationship. Pressuring your spouse to be a swinger is not acceptable.

Your husband is acting like an immature person -- and the fact that he is 20 just confirms it. He has a sick and pregnant wife, who nonetheless is having sex with him one a day, and he whines that he is not satisfied and wants to have sex with other women. But you can watch. When you say that you are uncomfortable, he keeps insisting. His actions show a complete lack of respect for you and the lack of any compassion for your condition or feelings. In additions, he dishonors you even though you are carrying his baby. And you feel that you were meant to be with him?

Frankly, he does not want to swing, he wants a cheating pass. I would be more concerned about what this means for the future. When the going gets tough -- when you have kids, a mortgage, a real job and he has to be a provider, a father and a husband, what will he do? Cut and run? Take as many lovers as possible? I don't think you knew enough about him before marriage and now you see how he reacts to adversity.

We are so in tune on so many other levels, and we have always been open with each other and have talked about things. We have always found a compromise. That's why I thought we were meant to be together. This problem didn't arise really until after we got married. I knew that he had a fantasy about threesome's and what not, but he never pushed for it and he never made it seem to be so important. I'm not sure what changed or if I was blind the whole time. I tend to want to blame myself, and I tell myself that we wouldn't have this problem if I never would have gotten sick. Then I feel guilty about everything. I've told him that it feels like he just wants the okay to sleep with whomever and he tells me that's not the case. I'm not so sure I believe him.

[sickles91]

I was going to stay out of this thread, because I could think of nothing encouraging to say.

I now feel bound to say that I am in complete agreement with effy.

As I see it, you will have to cave in to your husband's desire to swing, and sacrifice your own happiness, or be prepared for him to cheat, regularly. Ordinarily I try not to be too pessimistic. In this case I see no reason for optimism for the long term.

I'm not feeling very optimistic either. It literally breaks my heart to be so in love with a man who can't give me the same love and respect back.

[Ashlee T.]

I'm so sad for you while reading this. As another poster mentioned, swinging can be a fun and exciting thing for SOME couples. But both people have to be on the same page, be confident in their love and devotion to each other, and not be doing it just because one of them wants a strange piece. You're going through a terribly tough time and in my opinion, he's manipulating you at a time when he knows you're weak and vulnerable. It is not fair to marry someone, under the pretenses of a lifelong love and monogamy and then ask them to change the whole foundation and structure of their marriage because you start wanting another piece of tail. Not cool. He doesn't want a "swinging" marriage, he just wants to cheat and not lose his marriage over it. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He's young and my guess is he's experiencing the "omg I'm never going to sleep with another woman" syndrome. What he needs to realize is that though his sex drive is rampant now, in 10 years it's very likely it will be on a decline while yours is going bonkers. What then? Will it be okay for you to sleep with other men?

Not cool. Sorry you're going through this at all but much less during such a trying time for you. He sounds incredibly selfish and manipulative. In the end, you will decide, "Do I want to keep my husband so badly that I'll allow him to sleep with other women, despite my total lack of agreement." or " I deserve SO much better.".

[effy2014]

We are so in tune on so many other levels, and we have always been open with each other and have talked about things. We have always found a compromise. That's why I thought we were meant to be together. This problem didn't arise really until after we got married. I knew that he had a fantasy about threesome's and what not, but he never pushed for it and he never made it seem to be so important. I'm not sure what changed or if I was blind the whole time. I tend to want to blame myself, and I tell myself that we wouldn't have this problem if I never would have gotten sick. Then I feel guilty about everything. I've told him that it feels like he just wants the okay to sleep with whomever and he tells me that's not the case. I'm not so sure I believe him.

It is certainly not your fault. Having dated and married him within the period of a year, you never had the opportunity to experience significant adversity together. Also, both of you are very young and still maturing into adults. Trying to anticipate what the demands of marriage might be is exceedingly difficult. As for getting sick, marriage is for better or worse; he was the one who has been having difficulty adjusting. I am amazed you were able to accommodate his desires to the extent that you have been able.

The measure of him as a man is to be able to control his desires while you recuperate and have the child. He needs to be a husband and father. Having a child will also affect your libido; nothing like a crying child, breastfeeding and cleaning mountains of clothes to get you in the mood for sex. If you can manage a discussion of swinging while having a baby in the house, that would be the time. Until then, he needs to grow up.

[atskitty2]

What have your doctors told you about PT & regaining full mobility after your surgery? Is your husband aware of all this?

I agree with effy above. I think your partner has a lot of growing up to do, and character-building to do.

[sickles91]

What have your doctors told you about PT & regaining full mobility after your surgery? Is your husband aware of all this?

I agree with effy above. I think your partner has a lot of growing up to do, and character-building to do.

I have been in PT 3x a week since last October. After surgery, I will continue PT and I should regain most to all mobility. The only problem is that we will have to wait for the hip replacement before we will know if I need a knee replacement, too. Hopefully I won't, but we just won't know until then. And yes, my husband is aware of all of this.

[Motorguy]

Here's my dilemma. My husband wants to bring other women into the bedroom; he wants a threesome or for me to just watch him with another woman. He doesn't want this to be just a one-time thing either. Im just not comfortable with it. Let me give you a little background info...
At this time Im dealing with a lot. Last year I got an infection in my blood from an abscessed tooth. The infection had made a home in my hip, thigh, and knee and had to have multiple surgeries to rid my body of it. Because of the infection, my hip joint is shot and i need a hip replacement. I havent been able to walk on my own since last August. We still have an active sex life though. We have figured out positions that work for us, but I cant be as active in bed as he or I would like to be. We have sex at least once a day, we might skip one here and there, but it still isnt enough for him. Ive tried "spicing things up" but maybe im not doing enough?
Anyway, on top of having a bad hip and having to use a crutch and wheelchair, Im pregnant (Due Dec 26th). I really am dealing with a lot myself, but i still try my best to make him happy any way I can.
So to get to the point, we fight a lot about this "swinging" idea. He wants it so bad and I cant bring myself to be on the same page as him. I want to make him happy and compromise but with whats going on with me, I just cant. The loss of my mobility completely affected my self-esteem and the pregnancy only makes it harder to feel comfortable. I had a hard time opening myself up to him after I got sick. I just dont understand how he could think I would be comfortable with another person added into it. I cant bring myself to just watch him either. He told me the other day that I satisfy him mentally, emotionally, etc but just not physically. So the thought of him being satisfied by another woman really hurts. I try my hardest to make things better in the bedroom. My effort obviously isnt working. So what do i do? Just give in so hes happy and risk my own happiness and state of mind? Or stick to my guns and just continue to push him away?

By all means sickles91 stick to your gun about this. Myself you gone so far about above what you needed to do as a wife. Your husband i agree with most here is completely out of line and a child on top of it all. How could he even bring another women in your bedroom when you not 100% on broad with it all. You really need to have a serous long talk. Tell him no you won't he can not be that much of a idiot to see you don't want this even more in the health condition you dealing with at this moment.I say seek marriage counseling before this go's completely wrong for your marriage. I can tell you a marriage therapist will disagree with having a open marriage at all. Your husband needs to grow up and see he's going to be a father for the first time in 4 months, it's time to act like adult and put his penis back in his pants and act like a man not a child unhappy he's not getting his way geez. My wife would have grab me by the testicle and twisted. Then told me how things was going to work. I would lose them if i even thought of trying to force her into a swing relationship with another women or man.

[LilahX]

I'm in a longtime swinging relationship and it does have to be something you both want to do. Completely. His fantasy is normal, but if it's not entered into willingly by both parties it's a recipe for disaster. Perhaps he'll have enough respect for your feelings to be happy with just fantasising together about it. That can be pretty hot (we do it all the time). While you shouldn't do anything you don't want to, it's also not good to disregard his desires (and it can be dangerous). I hope you both can find a happy (and sexy) compromise!

[Silvervine]

I'm with effy 110% on this one. He isn't after swinging, it is your permission to cheat. And it may be an age thing. To be honest, I was reading through this forum yesterday because I was interested in learning more about swinging. I had learnt that couples who do it are not only on board together but are also entirely committed to one another. They are so so so confident in themselves and are confident about the strength if their relationship. I asked my partner whether swinging is something he would consider if we ever got married (he is 30) and he flat out said no way because he couldn't bare the thought of me with someone else. Then I remembered this post and asked him if he would consider it if I was no longer able to satisfy him. His answer still remained a flat out no because he considered marriage to be a lifelong commitment to one person only. For better or for worse, through sickness and through health. He said that he would rather resort to using his hand than sleep with another woman. I think that the younger men are (not all!) they see sex as a 'need'. Your husband shouldn't be thinking about himself and his sexual 'needs' right now, especially when the love of his life is going through such a difficult time. I would stick to your guns on this one. If he isn't willing to wait it out then he's honestly not worth YOUR time.

LilahX above me has advised you not to ignore his sexual 'desires'. I'm not sure if she read the original post but I completely disagree. Every relationship is different. Some find it sexy to see and/or fantasise about their partners with other people, but others such as yourself would not. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like swinging is a genuine 'desire' of his. He has even stated that it would only be temporary until you're well again. Therefore, he's asking for your permission to cheat. His suggestion of swinging is simply to satisfy his needs, not yours. You have already gone above and beyond to satisfy him to the best of your ability. Honestly, I take my hat off to you. Sex almost every day even though you've lost mobility and are pregnant!? You sound like such a loving, loyal, and committed wife. Any man would be so lucky to have a woman like you as a wife. Him asking you for a bigger slice of cake? I'd tell him hell no!

I feel for you. I really really do. There is no "happy and sexy compromise" when a husband forces his wife to make such a decision. The only compromise that would satisfy him physically and put your mind at ease would be a threesome where another woman was involved. That way you are also involved in the experience and could actively participate. But are you prepared to watch him with another woman? But then you must also ask, if sex almost once a day isn't enough for him, where does one draw the line? How many times is he going to ask you for a threesome/swing? At the end of the day it's your decision and your decision only. But you need to first think about your health and the baby. Best of luck.

[Hell on Wheels]

Take a step back and try to look at your situation from the outside. What would you say to your sister or best girlfriend if she came to you for advice because this was happening to her? Be honest with yourself and you will find your answer. I know what I think, but I don't have to live with the consequences of the advice I would give you. You are in a very tough spot, and I wish you all the best.