[Texinator]

But if your drive was good before giving birth, the stress, and so on, shouldn't he be used to it from then? Or is he maybe under some stress now himself?

[Moni306]

WC...I do agree in the beginning people are in lust so don't notice the differences and years later they finally focus in. I have tried talking to him about it but it falls on deaf ears....I don't know if he just doesn't care or what. When my folks came to visit us he did not have the time in the mornings to look at porn and masturbate and we had more sex that week than we had had in a while...that showed me I knew what the problem was and had my proof. I told him and he said he did not notice a difference...uggg! I think porn can help on spicing things up in a relationship but I also believe used too much it can destroy also.

In my first marriage(14yrs) my ex would always look at porn...wouldn't try to hide it at all (my husband now does) but my issue with it was he would look at it for hours and not come to me for anything but he wasn't masturbating either so it was kinda a weird deal. Eventually I was soo fed up with it all that I wasn't even attracted to him any more and he didn't turn me on so when he would come to me I was not into it at all and then I started taking sleeping pills just so I would be asleep before he would come to bed. I was on anti depresents for years and the day I decided on the divorce I stopped cold turkey and haev never had to be on them again! That's when he decided he wanted to put more effort into the relationship but it was already too far gone.

I don't want the relationship to go down...I want it all to work but I'm finding I am now using wine as my "sleeping pill" to avoid feeling rejected and that is not the way I want to be. I want him to stop being selfish and realize that he has a wife that wants to be loved on and have allot of naughty sex...I could be every bit as good as all that porn and better....he can touch me!!

I know it all takes effort but it is soo much fun...it shouldn't be looked at as a job either...which I feel some people also do that. Crazy to have this high sex drive as a woman but I love it and want to have allot of fun with it while I have it :0)

[WildChild]

According to some recent research we may be horny for a long time. It seems seniors, especially since viagra came along, are busier sexually than previously thought. Not something to look foreward to if your partner isn't interested, unless you can develop an interest in women (doesn't work for me - not yet at least- but who know what desperation can do?).

Have you considered whopping him upside the head with a cast iron skillet? Figuratively of course, tempting as it may be to do it for real.
Alcohol and sleeping pills aren't a very positive solution. Maybe you need to sit him down and really spell it out. As in, "if you want to stay married, you will work on this with me". Do you think a real jolt like that would wake him up? Or tell him that you recognize that he is an adult and you can't make him do anything - he makes his choices but so do you and you are very close to making some choices and is he in or out? It would be one thing if for some reason he had lost his sex drive but he has simply redirected it. Could this be a passive aggressive behavior? You lost interest before, so I'll show you kind of thing?

People can be so frustrating and really act against their own best interests for the dumbest reasons.

[PJhavinfunagain]

Tex, My oldest is 8, my drive was lower after having her. It picked up a bit when we were trying to conceive #2. Luckily for DH it took 8 months for us to get pregnant. That was 5 years ago. I was sicker during pregnancy#2. We also had a TON of stress during that time trying to buy a house and get out of the crappy trailer park we were living in. drive went lower since DS came along. Some was my hormones and a major surgery 5 months after giving birth (by c section) to DS. I have also had issues with asthma, allergies and female issues. So overall I have had less drive than DH for 8 years. He got used to almost never getting any and me making excuses. Now the tables are turned.

WC, It is not to those extremes yet, although I like the whomping him with a skillet idea! LOL We are going thru lots of changes right now and our goal is to keep communicating. Overall we are communicating better than we have in a long time. I am happier overall than I have been in a long time. I am enjoying feeling sexy and in the mood. My anger and stress has decreased overall. I know things will even out, I have faith in that. Mostly what I want is once a week for him to be just crazy for me and not be able to wait to get me into bed. Even once a month would be good.

[WildChild]

Check out Mama Gena - you can find her online. I don't agree with her entirely but she is sassy and has some fun ideas! Any chance the two of you could get away for a weekend once in a while?

[PJhavinfunagain]

We will see. DH has worked weekends for 4 years. We also don't have much family arround to help us out. DH is not the type to spend $ on that kind of thing. If anything he wants to drive the kids 3 hours to his moms than just have him and I be at home by ourselves. Oh joy so I still have to look at the dishes and laundry not to mention figure out meals. Wahoo, that sounds fun... um not so much...

[WildChild]

What kind of special time can you create? Your kids are 8 and 5. Do you know anyone you trust to swap child care with? Them take your kids one time, you take theirs another? You could create that special time at home but I'm thinking if you want to keep him off the computer and the porn - elsewhere might be better.

Don't know where you are, this time of year outdoors and camping are iffy at best in my area(I gave up snow camping years ago LOL). But check out local resources. Recreation dot gov slash camp, has cabins as well as camping all over the US. You may be able to find some off season deals for a hotel or motels someplace not too far? Get someone to take the kids and meet him in the garage when he's coming home, have fun in the back seat or on the hood? Just find ways to shake it up and get out of the routine thinking. Slip into the shower with him and start soaping him up?

[PJhavinfunagain]

Thanks for the tips WC. I have suggested some. The camper cabins around here are almost impossible to get into. They book up FAST!!! I have had friends watch the kids a few times but usually for work things. They all have family around so do not ask us to watch their kids much (almost never) even tough I say please let me reciprocate. I feel like I am taking advantage of them so don't ask except in a pinch. DH works 12 hr shifts and has an hr drive. So by the time he gets home he has been gone 14hrs. He gets crabby if we even talk to him too much right away. We did have the kids go to my MIL's for a week this summer. I had business commitments and Dh wanted to get some things done around here. We did get in quite a bit of quality time even though I was working. He did enjoy it. He also likes his adult beverage in the evenings, I really think it is interfering. I know he is trying to relax but it just puts him to sleep. This is a super touchy subject. His favorite comment is "great you want more sex, the booze makes me last longer", I told him point blank I would rather have him sober than all silly and buzzed. Been there done that, didn't even get a flippin T-shirt! LOL... UGh...MEN!!! I try getting in the shower with him sometimes. I just start rubbing on him, I get a few mmmmmm's and a kiss or 2 then he says "OK I'm done... you can have it"

[WildChild]

Tell him, "Thank you, this is what I want" and get busy....

[Moni306]

WC...I have tried hitting him over the head...he still does not listen. The past couple of nights though I have just been jumping on him so in the morning he still looks at the porn but he has not been maturbating as far as I know...so maybe there is a positive to just jumping on it! We have looked around for another woman as he would put it "for me not him" but that really isn't a easy thing to find actually...but he has the fantasy. It does seem though that the person with the lower sex drive does control most of the situations but I plan on taking it back!!

Maybe I can find a viagra and crush it up in his food..ha ha ha Actually got that idea from Dr. Phill guest yesterday...was at the gym and the topic of the show was something like 267 reason women have sex..its a book and the gal just couldn't get her man interested..hhmmmm

I hope things get better for everyone here who has a man with a lower sex drive...it is soo hard to be off like that..especially when your horny all the time and you only have a toy to turn to!