[Guest]

Moni306, i went back and read through some of your previous posts and saw hat you said your drive has increased, but i'm not really sure that you mentioned if his has changed that much or not. was his always relatively low and maybe just now you are beginning to see the porn issue, or did his level change and then the porn came into the picture?

if you two were sexually compatible before, or at least close to it, then some "thing" might have caused the change, aside from your increased desire. did something else happen in the relationship, or some family issue that may have effected him?

I agree with one of the previous posters about bringing a third person into the bed at the same time not being a good idea. it "might" work in a healthy relationship, but i think it would just cause more problems than it is worth.

if you are really that more "needy", have you discussed having an open relationship where you can go out and do whatever? again I dont think its the best thing necessarily, but needs are needs and at some point you'll just end up resenting each other.

[WildChild]

Jerking off to the sight of fake barbie dolls?

Maybe it's a porn addiction. He's aware that masturbating to porn keeps him from wanting to have sex. So why does he do it? Something is not right..

You know, a lot of men do this. For all the complaining and male bonding on the subject of women who don't want sex, in many cases the men are a significant part of the cause. Men may not realise the ways they make it hard for women to express their feelings and needs. I've dealt with it and talked with quite a few women who have too. We are taught to tip toe around that precious male ego to our own expense - sexually and otherwise. It can leave a women simply flabergasted to have a man shut her out in favor of porn and masterbation and then hear him complaining about "frigid" women. It seems to be an attitude some men have that women should be able to turn it on and off like a machine. Go away and sit quietly on the shelf until I want you. Then she's supposed to be all hot and ready to go like the women in the porn. I don't know where they got this idea or what it takes to resolve it. Some men like OTYA have realized the toll it takes and willingly removed from their lives in return for the improved real thing, but other just don't seem to get it. Or maybe my the time they do the woman is so disenfanchised that she can't trust or believe him anymore.

[Texinator]

I know, you keep telling me, and I keep failing to understand.

Not that I don't understand THAT it happens. It's WHY it happens. Like I said earlier, to me that's like looking at pictures of steak and licking the screen when the real thing is waiting for you in the kitchen. It doesn't make sense to me. None.

Sure, the real thing requires more attention, needs to be 'prepared and warmed up' properly, and can't be just done and over with in a few minutes. But just like eating a real filet mignon is infinitely better than licking the screen, the difference between having sex with an eager woman and masturbating to some fantasy girl is such that any guy should consider it well worth the extra effort.

[WildChild]

You know to me the analogy with food is a good one. I've equated what I call porn sex - the no foreplay, no kissing, just get down to it - compared to making love, as the difference between eating deep fried fast food and sitting down to a lovingly prepared gourmet meal. In many relationships it's more getting to smell the banquet but not getting to eat it. Who would want stale bread crusts when they could have the full feast? But people do. Maybe it's that ugly old puritan ethic popping up? The idea that it's dirty and should stay that way and there is something wrong with it being tender, loving, playful or truly pleasurable on a deeper level?

[Texinator]

I can understand the value of having fast food every once in a while if there isn't time for something better. Obviously, as nice it would be, having a full Thanksgiving dinner every day would be impractical. But I think it keeps everyone happiest and healthiest if people can prepare and share a nice home cooked meal at least once a day.

[Moni306]

Moni306, i went back and read through some of your previous posts and saw hat you said your drive has increased, but i'm not really sure that you mentioned if his has changed that much or not. was his always relatively low and maybe just now you are beginning to see the porn issue, or did his level change and then the porn came into the picture?

We actually had a high sex drive back when we first got together. About three years ago I noticed we were not having sex as much and thought maybe it was a faze but soon found out after months of not allot of sex I had found in the history of his computer he was watching a ton of teen porn and when he was caught our bedroom door was locked with me and our 4 kids on the other side of the door...I didn't realize what was going on till he had gone back to work. I have been trying to cope with this since then but nothing seems to work and don't know what else to do. When we first got together he said he maturbated all the time because his ex never wanted sex...now he has a woman always ready to go and he is masturbating all the time...I just don't get it!!

I will have to figure out what to do to make this work but it is hard, painful and frustrating...and I am soo very sad

[Texinator]

One thing that comes to mind.. I don't know how you bring up the subject with him, but how you present and word things can make a big difference. Always play up the positives. Make him want to make you praise him rather than to make you stop complaining.

You think he doesn't want to have sex enough and that frustrates you. But you probably don't want to communicate it like that. Rather than say 'You don't want to have sex enough and this lack of intimacy frustrates me' go with something like 'You're such a great lover and enjoy having sex with you that I wish we could do it much more often'.

Presenting it to him in a negative manner just makes him more likely to get defensive. On the other hand, telling him that you like having sex with him strokes his ego. He's much more likely to respond to the honey than to the vinegar. Of course it doesn't mean that it's going to magically change everything, but it's a starting point.

[Moni306]

thanks for the advice tex...you are probably right but soo hard to be calm as a woman..ha ha ha I think it is hard for woman who has a high drive to be turned down by a man...especially when they complain that they don't get any. I think after a while a guy takes the women for granted in his life when she is so willing and available...he thinks money takes down a marriage fast but he doesn't look at sex or porn as a possiblility...he has no problem he says and he is in control...I will try the gentle approach but feel he may be in too far!!

[Texinator]

Since you mentioned that you didn't really realize it until he went back to work, I assume that he was unemployed for a while, correct? Some men will feel 'inadequate' when they don't have a job and this and the general stress of unemployment might have made him want to turn away from sex. Maybe he was thinking that if he's not man enough for a job then why would he be man enough to be able to please you. On top of that, looking at porn and masturbating might have become a way for him to pass the time.

Somewhere along the way he must have inadvertently trained himself to shun sex in favor of masturbating to porn. Even if he's gone back to work now and is in a happier state of mind, and sex has a greater appeal for him again, the fact that he still prefers porn to sex and that he has limited sexual energy means that y'all are unfortunately still not back to the way things were.

Yeah, people usually like to make women out to be the ones that are lacking in drive and able to go months and years without sex, but in my relatively short amount of time in this forum I've been amazed by just how many women there are that want sex several times a week or even at least once a day but have boyfriends and husbands that would rather do something else than have sex.

[WildChild]

Yep it's apparently been a well kept secret for generations.