[DreamP346]

Uh, maybe you really should try women. If men aren't doing the trick, maybe a woman can. You probably need a little excitement. Maybe something "dangerous" or "forbidden." Maybe meeting somebody during a vacation. Maybe a threesome. Those situations are known to heat up the sex drive. Maybe the men you are meeting are just too "normal".

[Something_Awesome]

She said the same thing about women (perhaps in another topic). But I do agree that it may be because she needs to kick start her sex drive.

[effy2014]

Again, I'm troubled with how truly few men really have the ability to turn me on...that I'm really attracted to. So, that is ever-present on my mind. Not sure what to do about THAT!

Ok, I'll ask. What turns you on? You are as analytical as most people, so I am sure that you have thought about it. Is it a particular look/body type? Intellect? That elusive (and in my view absurd) notion of chemistry?

More interesting, is your intellectual attraction and sexual attraction based upon different or contradictory criteria?

[raindancer]

I don't know you well, so, I don't know if I should be posting here. If you only want to read from people who know you, don't read any further.

I think you think too much. I don't know how old you are. I'm 45, almost 46, now. There is the inexorability of time and I always have the impression most people are oblivious to that greatest reality of life till it's too late.

I always ask myself why people complicate things so much. We may think and think, and I'm a thinker myself. But I try to limit my thinking to my free time, not to the time I could be living, loving, having sex, jumping under the trees, swimming with dolphins and whales, bird watching and appreciating the beauty of men...

You say you've never felt like having sex with a man you're not involved with. I'd suggest it could be because you assimilate love to a longterm-ish relationship. But remember, I don't know you. Love is much more than that. If you broaden your horizons when it comes to love and what love is, you'll perhaps learn to "short" love. One example: a man doesn't need to be perfect and tick lots of boxes to be lovable, interesting, sex-worthy. If all I want is sex, I go directly to the point. And he'll tell me who he is in bed. I won't really risk much in the sense of having a poor lover. We'll talk about things we like and would do to each other before we take our clothes off.

When I meet a man just for sex, I'm very direct. I even check his genitals by grabbing it before we go any further, in a sexy way that will get him excited, but I'm checking it really. If I think I won't be satisfied, I stall and tell him in the kindest way the chemistry isn't right and move on. It's simple.

Being safe is the real issue. It's better to have sex with men we know, our friends know. It's kind of safer. For a woman to find a man who wants sex, it's super easy. I go out and fish one. For a man to find a woman just for sex, that's a completely different story. I and my husband, sometimes we go out "fishing" together. I always find. He often doesn't.

The best men for sex are the married ones who don't have sex home and whose wives are OK with them having it with another woman. I meet lots of those on vacation. We chat, the three of us (wife, man and I) and we go for it, if "the chemistry" is right.

Love is free. In principle, I love everybody. I seldom talk to people and don't find them interesting. There is always something nice, in everybody, or almost everybody. If we were trying to tick boxes, we would find the world population boring. Perhaps up till now, you've been looking at men as potential partners for long term relationships. If you start to look at them differently, without testing for a future together, you'll love them easily. "Love" enough for sex, I mean.

Bottom line of what I'm trying to say: thinking is good, but not if it's preventing us from living. Thinking is good, living is better.

You go out there and try things. You may regret. So what? When we'll be 90 and looking back, the thing we'll really regret will be the mistakes we haven't made. In my household, we live life as if it today was our last day... mistakes allowed.

[Something_Awesome]

Well said Rain

[atskitty2]

I won't argue that I think too much. I analyze everything. That analytical component of my personality has just kicked into overdrive over the last couple years. I completely agree it needs to be toned down, and I'm working on that. effy & I have touched on this, maybe in another thread.

Rain, I've learned over the last few weeks, that I am not one to move forward that fast, based on sex & looking for sex. I can move more quickly than I do, but what you're describing is just not for me. I actually have seldom met a man (or woman) I didn't like, some very well. But that does not translate to sexual attraction to me. I generally like people, I enjoy people, so that's not the issue either, if I understand part of your suggestion. I've sat through many dates, just having nice conversations, but knowing there's really nothing romantic happening for me. But, they're nice men and I've learned a thing or two from many of them...

Backing up a few posts, can I clarify that my sex drive is fully activated? It isn't my "drive" per se, but the right circumstances under which to put it in gear & let it go full speed. lol

effy, to attempt to answer your questions: I am attracted to many different types of people. I found myself, just tonight in the grocery store, incredibly drawn to this man who was in sweat pants, bundled up in a hoodie & sort of dirty looking, but just had some sort of confidence about himself, even tho he was such a mess. He was sexy and caught my eye.
Then, of course there's the man in a suit, smart & ambitious & hard-working. My country roots still find a man in a flannel shirt & work boots irresistible at times. For me, there's no "type". I don't know if it's chemistry or what the term for it is, but there's just something about some men, and it doesn't happen all that often.

Yes, I do agree that my "criteria" are sometimes at odds with one another...and this knowledge adds to my confusion...

[JonDoe]

I love you too raindancer!

[effy2014]

While I admire Raindancer's perspective on love and living life, not every woman or man is cut out for that lifestyle. Some, like me, need the context of a relationship to truly enjoy physical intimacy. I also do not believe that being analytical always means overthinking a situation. If we know what makes us happy and the traits that are disasterous in a relationship, we have to evaluate what we can accept and what we can't.

Kitty is on the right path. So much of it is being able to meet the right people at the right time.

[Something_Awesome]

So much of it is being able to meet the right people at the right time.

You mean luck?

[atskitty2]

Luck...no! Not that!